Tag Archives: it got personal

Flea

Flea

Not all blood-sucking parasites who feature in circuses are clowns. Some are the flea.

flea in profile by Robert Hooke

“Am I a clown to you?”

The flea circus is the premier live show for insects, by insects. Cirque du Soleil transitioned to human entertainment when it couldn’t hack it in the flea circus’s shadow. Acts include Teddy the Ant with a Mane, The Amazing Web Line Dancers, Cuonzo the Tattooed Moth[1], Bug Gallagher, The Living Ball, The Stilt Bug, Aldus the Larger-Than-Normal Mite, and The Literally Flying Pelluccis. The goliath beetle got its start in the flea circus lifting extremely heavy things like cup lids and coins.

Special powers

The flea’s incredible feat is leaping high into the air. Well, high in relation to how small it is. It can not jump higher than me, for example, due to my extreme height advantage. What I’m trying to explain is that the time it beat me in basketball was a fluke.

The flea is also a member of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. It loves California and funking out, not necessarily in that order.

Weaknesses

The flea sucks blood from other creatures in order to survive. It is a member of the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

what the peppermen say

Did you know the famous RHCP logo is an anus? Maybe put a sock on THAT next time, fellas.

Number of legs

Six.

Drink of choice

It craves BLOOOOOOD!

What if it fought a bear?

It has been fighting the bear for years, and the bear has not noticed.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The flea is a consummate entertainer and skilled bassist. It is also a profoundly obnoxious parasite and it made my hair itch just researching it. Even that means it has personally offended me more than most animals I review. This has nothing to do with it beating me at basketball that time.

 

3/10

 

 

 

[1]Sorry to blow up your spot, Cuonzo, but you’re obviously just a butterfly.

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Toad/frog

Toad/Frog

Did you know that scientists do not believe that there is a hard and fast distinction between the toad and the frog? This is playing perfectly into their confidence schemes, which frequently require them to play the same person in multiple locations at the same time. This gambit is known in grifter circles as the Reverse Mrs. Doubtfire. This scam has been notably mastered in numerous variations by the Olsen and Lohan twins.

I Know Who Killed Me

“I Know Who Killed Me” has been called the “Parent Trap” of film.

Special powers

The toad exudes toxins through its many warts, which can cause its enemies to hallucinate (whereupon the toad escapes its disoriented predator), paralysis, or even allergies to wheat.

Nobody believes me, but I swear to you the frog can sing and dance in the grand tradition of American musicals. I’m telling you; he was just doing it before you came in.

Weaknesses

The toad has a crippling weakness to being run over by automobiles, as depicted in the popular arcade game Q*bert.

The frog is hopelessly (and because of a long-running advertising campaign, ironically) addicted to Keystone Ice.

Number of legs

Four.

Where are their vocal sacs?

Neither frog nor toad has external vocal sacs. As a result, both sound like they are mumbling to themselves and do very poorly as stage actors.

toad

Speak up, son.

Explosive properties

The toad is one of the few animals with a built-in self-destruct mechanism. If sufficiently threatened, it will build up gases within itself, then release a hidden flap in a particular wart, the location of which I will not reveal here because of my ongoing blackmail efforts against the toad. At any rate, the addition of oxygen to the mixture triggers a powerful explosion.

The frog must be exploded through traditional means.

Do I own a Beanie Baby of it?

No on both.

What if it fought a bear?

The toad and frog are not big on direct confrontation. They are cowardly, slimy* con men. However, the toad could blow up in the bear’s face in an act of mutually assured destruction.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The frog and toad are scoundrels, and not in the cool way that eleven-fingered thief Danny Ocean is.

Danny Ocean

“Guess how many toes I have! The answer is surprisingly low!”

I must, however, give them due credit for their mastery of Tin Pan Alley standards and inducing others to trip balls, respectively.

 

6.5

 

 

 

*Not intended as a slur against amphibians.

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