Tag Archives: Hollywood phonies



There’s considerable hubbub right now over what a weird word “hubbub” is. I mean, look at it. Hubbub. Hubbub. Hubbub.

There’s also been some talk about Jimmy Fallon taking over The Tonight Show this week from its previous host, a golem controlled by the sorcerer Jay Leno. Meanwhile, Jimmy Fallon’s old gig will be handled starting next week by Seth, Egyptian god of storms, chaos, and weekend updates. We humans are not the only ones with late night entertainment. The premier late night program produced by and for animals is hosted by this week’s animal: the potoo.


Heeeeeere’s Potoo!

Special powers

As a nocturnal bird, the potoo was a natural fit for host of The Nightly Hour Starring Romeo Johanssen.[1] Its only real struggle early on was to fight off its natural instinct to camouflage itself to the set – especially its own desk.

The potoo’s band leader/sidekick/consummate hypeman the howler monkey is also on hand to laugh at things that exist. It has no sense of humor of its own ever since the accident, but it laughs on cue like nobody’s business. This is crucial to its effectiveness because…


…the potoo’s jokes are terrible. Just terrible. It can make some funny faces, but you eventually get used to all of those if you watch the show much at all.


Seen it.

Which reminds me; its eyes are huge. It’s great for seeing in the dark, but they are huge targets. The potoo took a real beating in its Three Stooges tribute episode. Under doctor’s orders, it had to do the whole next night blindfolded and flew directly into a stand-up bass.

In the late ’80s, the network moved The Nightly Hour Starring Romeo Johanssen back forty minutes to give a fresh young talent the nightjar a spotlight. The potoo entered a deep depression when this happened. Despite the popularity of its host as a performer in other respects, the nightjar’s program, “Jar!”, crashed and burned in the ratings. Soon enough, the potoo was restored to prominence. Some suspected collusion, as ratings in the South American rain forest are just numbers that the howler monkey shouts at the top of its lungs each morning at ten.

Number of legs

Two, plus wings.

What if it fought a bear?

The potoo’s go-to move is to sit still and look like a branch. This has little effect as the bear has no moral nor nutritional qualms about eating a branch.

Is it noble?


Final rating

In the words of the potoo, “Hey, remember Monica Lewinsky?” The howler monkey’s response to this was “Ohhhhh!” This happened in the year 2014 A.D.





[1]The potoo changed its stage name to something more “Hollywood” after it turned out there was already a potoo in the guild.

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Dwarf pipe snake

Dwarf pipe snake

The dwarf pipe snake is easy to understand. All you have to do is picture the Asian pipe snake, but pretend it doesn’t have a chin groove. You’re almost there, but also…

Actually, forget it. Who can think about the dwarf pipe snake at a time like this? We are in the middle of award season, and it is getting heated. I’m talking about the Globes, the Grammys, the Latin Grammys, the Prussian Grammys, the Venusian MegaGrammys, the PGAs, the DGAs, the SAGs, the J*A*Gs, the People’s Choice Awards, all leading up to the Oscars just a mere seven months from now. There’s a lot to analyze, so let’s take a look first at some animals who are top contenders this year.

Top contenders

As always, the blue whale is a heavy[1] favorite in all the music categories. It should win all manner of Grammys and get ever closer to its goal of filling its bathtub entirely with the things. And it has one big bathtub, friend.

Speaking of music, the drake has a strong possibility of winning Best Rap Song for “Started From The Bottom” about finding a choice piece of bread that sank to the lake floor.

male duck

“You’re a good hen and you know it.”

Everyone is looking to the porcupine to win Pointiest Quills, and not just because the voters are all petrified it will kill someone if it loses. That award genuinely seems tailor-made for it, honestly, especially the part where its name has already been etched into it by the sculptor at quill-point.

Achievement in Noses is the proboscis monkey‘s to lose.

And of course, the tree frog is expected to take home Wackest Living Creature for the ninety-sixth year running.

Dark horse picks

If you’re going to win your office awards pool, you can’t just pick the big names everyone expects to win. You need to select some lower profile animals who have a good shot at pulling off the upset.

Animals like the mule. It doesn’t have the pedigree of some other nominees, but don’t underestimate the appeal of youth and a good personal story. It just might surprise people and knock off an obvious favorite like the dark horse.

black horse

It’s hard to beat.

I freely admit this is a long shot, but if Tim Allen does rush in from nowhere to slam K.K. Barrett from the top rope and win Best Production Design, a category in which he is neither nominated nor eligible, I will win $956 million. I couldn’t afford not to place that bet.

Snubs and flubs

The various bodies that hand out awards this time of year aren’t infallible, I’m afraid. After all, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association was made up by a sixth-grader and has only continued to exist out of momentum. That’s just one example. The others have their own problems[2], and so have fallen into some serious flubs, not to mention snubs as well.

Foremost among these is totally ignoring the cat for its supporting performance in Inside Llewyn Davis. You know how people sometimes say New York City is like its own character? Well, the cat is a million times better in Inside Llewyn Davis than New York is in any movie, though maybe not Barkhad Abdi good. But still, it deserved a nomination.

what an odd couple

Shame on you, Oscar.

Consider next the ridiculous nomination of the bat for Achievement in Fruit-Eating Among Mammals. Don’t get me wrong; it’s not that I think the bat isn’t a world-class fruit-eater. I vote to induct it into the Hall of Fame every year I can. My issue is that as you can tell by its wings, the bat is clearly a bird. Duh-doy.

Speaking of categorization controversy, there has been much talk of the California condor being deemed ineligible in the meat-eating categories because, according to the academy, its meals are derivative of another animal’s kill.

What to watch for

Awards season isn’t all just a list of winners and losers nominees. Much of the excitement[citation needed] comes from the ceremonies themselves. Who will wow on the red carpet? Who will beach themselves on the red carpet and nearly asphyxiate to death? Will someone make a hilarious and timely joke about Kanye West upstaging Taylor Swift five years ago?

The chamois is sure to pull some kind of mysterious stunt to promote its next project.

The whole fashion industry is on the edge of their seats to see the swan‘s wardrobe after last year’s “human” dress that got everyone talking (none of it complimentary). But hey, she felt like a princess, albeit a creepy Thomas Harris nightmare princess. It will be a hard act to follow at any rate.

Keep an eye on the presenters this year. If you look closely, you may find that a full 58% of them forget to read the teleprompter out loud and instead just mouth the words along with it. Thanks to tape delay, these presenters can immediately dub themselves before the East Coast feed even notices.

Final rating

The dwarf pipe snake is boring.








[1]Both figuratively and literally.

[2]Word is, J.D. Power killed and ate two Associates this year.

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Walking stick

Walking stick

I’m sick of all the insincerity around me these days. That’s why this week I’m calling out all the Hollywood phonies out there:

In 80% of frames where he’s on camera, Will Smith is completely claymation.

Richard Kind has had extensive, purely cosmetic plastic surgery on his butt.

Medical records prove that Kelly Ripa has been dead for eleven years.

Ghost Rider has never actually ridden on a ghost. It’s mostly just motorcycles for him.

Pastamania founder Hulk Hogan changed his name from Hulk Liebowitz.

Starting in 1996, Madonna was voiced by Steve Whitmire, all the way until 2007 when Billy West took over.

Lana Del Rey is a Skrull.

And perhaps most scandalously, the walking stick is actually an insect with no relation whatsoever to sticks.

walking stick


Special powers

The walking stick does not burn as easily as one might assume. Also, it uses camouflage to hide itself among true sticks, which would greatly offend me if I were a stick. I’m already pretty offended for them.


Its weakness is the crime of cowardice. Also, though it takes a little more elbow grease,* it does eventually burn.

Number of legs


Do I own a Beanie Baby of it?

If it’s disguised in the stick drawer, I might in fact own such a thing and never even realize it.

Capacity for virgin birth

The female walking stick lays hundreds of fertile eggs with zero contact with nor input from the male. Ladies are doing it for themselves! This is the principal miracle the female walking stick can perform, but it may also bless holy water and turn wine into Sunny D Tangy Original.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear would show mercy, as it’s famously against setting fire to things that might be sticks.

Smokey, Seeker of Babes

“What I’m asking is will you be my wingman?”

Is it noble?


Final rating

I do admire the gumption of its limited-miracle-working women. But on the whole it’s a coward and a phony. I’ve been lied to, and I do not appreciate it.





*Flammable, flammable elbow grease.

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