Tag Archives: Hollywood insider report

Blue jay

Blue jay

The crow family is not typically known for its good looks or outgoing nature, but today’s featured animal is something of a blue sheep in those regards. It’s the blue jay, and it’s both those things despite its familial ties.

Special powers

The blue jay has the gift of gab. The Kingfisher Illustrated Encyclopedia of Animals uncharitably describes this by saying “The colorful but elusive jay is best known for its harsh, scraping call.”

It also has high-level television decision-making power. Along with its fellow executives, it has approved numerous new series to air in the 2015-16 season, as announced this week at “upfronts.”[1] These include…

Chicago Animal Control: From superstar producer Dick Wolf comes the latest tale of the men and women who keep the Windiest City safe. This team specializes in what can happen when our furry friends… become furry foes. From Wolf Films.

The Unit: Declassified: All your favorite heroes from the original run of The Unit are back in this special eventized limited edition foil-packaged series! Donald Palmsbert! Bill Ryan! Swan McTavish! Cara Burpentallh! Tex Negroni! Fott Scully! When a threat from their past infiltrates the highest levels of the government, only The Unit can be trusted to save the nation. From MiddKid Productions.

Pop Sensation: Contestants try desperately to win big prizes by popping balloons in several fast-paced party games, as hosted by Mr. T. From Millennium Squared Studios.

Thin-Skinned: Dr. Blake Berger (Adrian Pasdar) is one of the most talented dermatologists in the world. Ironically, the one skin the perpetually offended doctor can’t strengthen is his own. From Weebletone Signature.

Great Old One: This time, it’s Cthulhu who will start taking calls when the ancient water god comes up from the deep and helps Detective Joanna Thurston (Amber Stevens West) catch criminals. The mystery thickens when bodies start turning up related to a cult worshiping the Elder Things. From FlanderWest Studios.

Untitled Apparently Kid Project: A Pennsylvania child (Apparently Kid) strikes it rich at a carnival game and uses his newfound millionaire status to fund a documentary crew to follow his daily adventures. Apparently, it’s a wild ride! From Bruntwad Productions.

Oh Henry!: A sitcom about a man who just can’t stop overthinking things, and his friends who are at different points in their lives. Charles Shaughnessy, Larisa Oleynick and ALF star. From Cundleswick Studios.

Weaknesses

The blue jay experiences unironic emotion when hearing that Wiz Khalifa song from Furious 7.

It never uses crosswalks.

It has a neckbeard:

The sideburns are really something too.

The sideburns are really something too.

Number of legs

Two, plus wings.

Do I own a Beanie Baby of it?

Yes.

Unfortunate duties

Due to an ill-advised bet it made many years ago, the blue jay has to go every Friday to Hell to take sticks to the Devil. What does Satan do with sticks anyway?

Nothing good, we can presume.

Nothing good, we can presume.

What if it fought a bear?

It did try to fight a bear. The blue jay was so aggressive, the bear got freaked out and assumed against all evidence that the blue jay must know something about its fighting prowess that the bear didn’t, so it backed down. Score one for the blue jay.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

With the blue jay’s colors, it is probably my all-time number one favorite bird to look at. But those shows don’t look very good.

 

 

9.5/10

 

 

 

[1]This is a time when the networks are very “upfront” with everyone about how much they love Matthew Perry and Kyle Bornheimer.

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Raccoon dog

Raccoon dog

The raccoon dog, a.k.a. the tanuki, used to be bad. It was a malevolent force, a trickster spirit with cruel aims. Since those days, it’s gone straight – or at least somewhat. It’s still an impish prankster, but a lovable, mostly harmless one.

raccoon dog

Aww, you scamp.

Special powers

The raccoon dog has a beautiful, soft coat of fur. In fact, mankind hunts the raccoon dog for its fur, on account of we are nature’s ultimate prick. It is a superb musician; its instrument of choice is its own belly as a drum. As one can guess by this choice, its talents are more in the area of technical skill than satisfying songwriting.

Also, it is a shape-shifter.

Weaknesses

The raccoon dog has an enormous scrotum. Most any person who has a scrotum will tell you it is a very fragile weak spot. The raccoon dog may as well paint a big target on its crotch while it’s at it. It’s like that classic schoolyard song goes: “Tan-tan-tanuki no kintama wa, kaze mo nai no ni, bura bura.”[1]

It gets seasick.

Number of legs

Four.

Drink of choice

Sake.

Celebrity birthdays

The raccoon dog shares a birthday with…

  • Gerard Butler, whose real name is Gerald Butrer.

  • Kim Jong-Un, who has his basketball number shaved into the back of his head every month.

  • Judah Friedlander, who, for the credits in every episode of 30 Rock, performed his famous point live.

bom! bom! bom bom-bom-bom bom! bom!

He nailed it every time.

What if it fought a bear?

The raccoon dog would befriend the bear and get it drunk. We’re looking at arm-in-arm “Piano Man” singing within three hours.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The raccoon dog is friendly, fluffy, and jolly. As long as you train yourself to avoid staring it directly in the scrotum, it’s a good time. At least until you remember you have work in the morning.

 

 

9/10

 

 

 

[1]“Tanuki’s balls, there isn’t any wind but they still go swing, swing, swing.” It’s as true today as it was then.

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Dwarf pipe snake

Dwarf pipe snake

The dwarf pipe snake is easy to understand. All you have to do is picture the Asian pipe snake, but pretend it doesn’t have a chin groove. You’re almost there, but also…

Actually, forget it. Who can think about the dwarf pipe snake at a time like this? We are in the middle of award season, and it is getting heated. I’m talking about the Globes, the Grammys, the Latin Grammys, the Prussian Grammys, the Venusian MegaGrammys, the PGAs, the DGAs, the SAGs, the J*A*Gs, the People’s Choice Awards, all leading up to the Oscars just a mere seven months from now. There’s a lot to analyze, so let’s take a look first at some animals who are top contenders this year.

Top contenders

As always, the blue whale is a heavy[1] favorite in all the music categories. It should win all manner of Grammys and get ever closer to its goal of filling its bathtub entirely with the things. And it has one big bathtub, friend.

Speaking of music, the drake has a strong possibility of winning Best Rap Song for “Started From The Bottom” about finding a choice piece of bread that sank to the lake floor.

male duck

“You’re a good hen and you know it.”

Everyone is looking to the porcupine to win Pointiest Quills, and not just because the voters are all petrified it will kill someone if it loses. That award genuinely seems tailor-made for it, honestly, especially the part where its name has already been etched into it by the sculptor at quill-point.

Achievement in Noses is the proboscis monkey‘s to lose.

And of course, the tree frog is expected to take home Wackest Living Creature for the ninety-sixth year running.

Dark horse picks

If you’re going to win your office awards pool, you can’t just pick the big names everyone expects to win. You need to select some lower profile animals who have a good shot at pulling off the upset.

Animals like the mule. It doesn’t have the pedigree of some other nominees, but don’t underestimate the appeal of youth and a good personal story. It just might surprise people and knock off an obvious favorite like the dark horse.

black horse

It’s hard to beat.

I freely admit this is a long shot, but if Tim Allen does rush in from nowhere to slam K.K. Barrett from the top rope and win Best Production Design, a category in which he is neither nominated nor eligible, I will win $956 million. I couldn’t afford not to place that bet.

Snubs and flubs

The various bodies that hand out awards this time of year aren’t infallible, I’m afraid. After all, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association was made up by a sixth-grader and has only continued to exist out of momentum. That’s just one example. The others have their own problems[2], and so have fallen into some serious flubs, not to mention snubs as well.

Foremost among these is totally ignoring the cat for its supporting performance in Inside Llewyn Davis. You know how people sometimes say New York City is like its own character? Well, the cat is a million times better in Inside Llewyn Davis than New York is in any movie, though maybe not Barkhad Abdi good. But still, it deserved a nomination.

what an odd couple

Shame on you, Oscar.

Consider next the ridiculous nomination of the bat for Achievement in Fruit-Eating Among Mammals. Don’t get me wrong; it’s not that I think the bat isn’t a world-class fruit-eater. I vote to induct it into the Hall of Fame every year I can. My issue is that as you can tell by its wings, the bat is clearly a bird. Duh-doy.

Speaking of categorization controversy, there has been much talk of the California condor being deemed ineligible in the meat-eating categories because, according to the academy, its meals are derivative of another animal’s kill.

What to watch for

Awards season isn’t all just a list of winners and losers nominees. Much of the excitement[citation needed] comes from the ceremonies themselves. Who will wow on the red carpet? Who will beach themselves on the red carpet and nearly asphyxiate to death? Will someone make a hilarious and timely joke about Kanye West upstaging Taylor Swift five years ago?

The chamois is sure to pull some kind of mysterious stunt to promote its next project.

The whole fashion industry is on the edge of their seats to see the swan‘s wardrobe after last year’s “human” dress that got everyone talking (none of it complimentary). But hey, she felt like a princess, albeit a creepy Thomas Harris nightmare princess. It will be a hard act to follow at any rate.

Keep an eye on the presenters this year. If you look closely, you may find that a full 58% of them forget to read the teleprompter out loud and instead just mouth the words along with it. Thanks to tape delay, these presenters can immediately dub themselves before the East Coast feed even notices.

Final rating

The dwarf pipe snake is boring.

 

2/10

 

 

 

 

 

[1]Both figuratively and literally.

[2]Word is, J.D. Power killed and ate two Associates this year.

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Magellanic penguin

Magellanic penguin

The media likes to portray penguins in a very skewed way that perpetuates the classic stereotypes. But there is a much greater diversity among penguins than you’d be led to believe watching the all-Emperor penguin casts of March of the Penguins or F*R*I*E*N*D*S. Take for example the Magellanic penguin.

He's coming right at us

Here comes a special boy.

Unlike your average penguin, the Magellanic penguin likes to burrow into the ground for shelter, making it the moleman of the penguin world. I bet that doesn’t fit in the narrow little box you put all penguins in. Heck, the Magellanic penguin doesn’t even live in Antarctica.[1]

Special powers

The Magellanic penguin can dig burrows. It can swim. It’s great at going down.

Weaknesses

It’s just not very good at going up, given its unbirdlike lack of flight.

Also, it does a lot of unnecessary online shopping it probably shouldn’t.

Number of legs

Two.

Mating behavior

According to Wikipedia, “Magellanic Penguins mate with the same partner year after year. The male reclaims his burrow from the previous year and waits to reconnect with his female partner. The females are able to recognize their mates through their call alone.” Magellanic penguins were the number one market for ringback tones in 2012.[2]

Notable accomplishments

When it’s not hiding out in its burrow, spending time with its soulmate, or catching tasty fish, the Magellanic penguin does some telecommuting work as a script doctor. Hollywood producers once turned to it to punch up the dialogue in scenes involving a prominent Batman villain – Mr. Freeze.

sneaky sneaky sneak

Look at this guy, trying to be taller. Just wear pumps like the rest of us, bub.

Here are some examples of classic lines we all know and love from Batman & Robin that were written by the Magellanic penguin:

  • MR. FREEZE: There’s no business like snow business!
  • MR. FREEZE: Sweet dreams are made of freeze!
  • MR. FREEZE: What killed the dinosaurs? Scientists have several theories.
  • BATGIRL: Those targeting mirrors are frozen; the thawing beam won’t work.
  • MR. FREEZE: I hate the Heat Miser; he is awful. He can not treat the Snow Miser like this. I hate him with my life.
  • BRUCE WAYNE: That’s right, Dick. I want them so much I can taste it.
  • BATMAN: Autobots, roll out!
  • GOSSIP GERTY: Some men aren’t looking for anything logical, like money. They can’t be bought, bullied, reasoned, or argued with. Some men just want to watch the world freeze.
  • MR. FREEZE: Looks like I’ve struck… cold!
  • BATMAN: The difference between you and me is I’m wearin’ hockey skates!
  • MR. FREEZE: Frostbitten, ice shy!

What if it fought a bear?

Quite surprisingly, the Magellanic penguin would win handily. I can’t explain it.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

I like the Magellanic penguin. It defies the usual expectations for penguins, who already defy the usual expectations for birds. Plus, he provided some crucial edits of great scripts (and a couple stinkers, but hey, they can’t all be Batman & Robin).

 

8.5/10

 

 

 

[1]It lives in the Falkland Islands and the southest coasts of South America. It once took a cruise to Trinidad and Tobago. It liked Trinidad but had such a bad time in Tobago it swore off travel forever. It was also upset there were no burrows available to stay in on the cruise ship.

[2]Remember that hot minute in the mid-’00s when rappers got real concerned about ringtones? That seems weird in retrospect. Unrelated to the Magellanic penguin. Probably. You decide.

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Leaf-rolling weevil

Leaf-rolling weevil

It has always been its passion, but leaf-rolling just wasn’t paying the bills for the leaf-rolling weevil. In this economy, there simply aren’t that many jobs for leaf-rollers.

leaf-rolling weevil seeks work

“Leaf-rolling? In THIS economy?” HR reps would say to it.

The leaf-rolling weevil tried adapting the principles of leaf-rolling to other seemingly related pursuits in the employ of the musician Snoop Dogg. It was fine for a while, but ultimately the leaf-rolling weevil felt wrong tainting the purity of leaf-rolling. This same concern also caused it to leave its position as origami instructor at the adult learning annex.

At this point, the leaf-rolling weevil went into a career totally separate from its passion: screenwriting. It is currently on staff at CBS’s “Under the Dome,” and continues to practice leaf-rolling as a hobby with the local leaf-rolling club.

Special powers

Obviously, it is the best at leaf-rolling. You might think you know someone better. You would be wrong.

It is far from the best, but it’s pretty decent at writing.

When riding a tiny weevil-sized motorcycle, it can totally pop a wheelie whenever it wants.

Weaknesses

The leaf-rolling weevil is a real blabbermouth when it drinks. I used this to my advantage on a night out with it to get the real scoop on upcoming “Under the Dome” plot points. Now most entertainment journalists[1] are short-sighted and only try to pry details about the next episode or season. All we have to do is wait a week or a few months and we’ll find that stuff out anyway! No, I shot much higher in my interview with the weevil and I got spoilers from Season Four of “Under the Dome.” Now that’s useful information! Now, without further ado, here are a handful of facts about Season 4 of the #1 dome-drama (or “domedy”) on television. SPOILERS AHOY!

  • The townspeople are upset to learn that dogs are free to move back and forth through the dome’s walls. “How did we not notice this before?” moans a flustered Dean Norris.
  • It will be discovered that the dome inside Mike Vogel‘s head was not planted there by the dome: Barbie has been a half-human half-dome hybrid the whole time!
  • The teens take up skateboarding up the walls of the dome, which they call “going full Bart.”
  • Panic sets in on the populace as the local diner runs out of bacon. The role of Panic is played by special guest star Harry Styles of One Direction!
  • Rachelle Lefevre, pregnant in 2016, will be shot hidden from the stomach down by a small dome.
  • A special flashback episode reveals that, ironically, every single character at some point in 2011 scoffed at the mere idea of domes.
  • Struggling to control the police force and volunteer army, sheriff Natalie Martinez clones herself to better cover the workload, only to discover wacky consequences!
  • The townspeople are forced to team up with the dome against a larger, more advanced dome.
  • The radio station starts a prank war with a stuffy public radio branch which begins operating across the street.
  • Can you say musical episode?!
  • The town of Chester’s Mill go on vacation to Disneyland Paris, only to find that the dome has booked the same trip! Special guest John Cleese.
  • Junior strings together a taunting message “UP YOURS, FUZZ” entirely out of the intestines of his victims. The homicide detective declares it “Classic Poe,” before revealing HIMSELF to be a secret member of Junior’s cult and killing a city council member (who is an even more secret member of Junior’s cult), only to be stopped by Barbie (who, in a twist, is revealed to be a sleeper agent of Junior’s cult, not even aware he’s a member).
  • After their thrilling escape, Dean Norris will realize that the entire town of Chester’s Mill has to go back… UNDER THE DOME!

Number of legs

Six.

Giraffe variety

There is a special kind of leaf-rolling weevil which has taken the giraffe as its hero and its moniker. The giraffe weevil emulates both the giraffe’s happy-go-lucky persona and its long delicate neck.

giraffe weevil

Both things come off a little forced.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear could snap its neck, giraffe-like or not.

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

I’ve derived great pleasure from this weevil’s leaf-rolling work, amateur or professional. All these Under the Dome Season 4 spoilers have just gotten me excited for Season 5![2] And I owe it all to the leaf-rolling weevil.

 

8.5/10

 

 

 

[1]Is that what this is?

[2]I hear we meet Barbie’s brother Skipper!

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Peacock

Peacock

I have a personal history with this week’s animal. It and I lived across the street from one another for most of my childhood. The animal in question is the peacock.

Unfortunately, my first-person insight into the peacock is fairly limited. It wasn’t a terribly forthcoming neighbor in terms of talking about itself. It would gladly talk your ear off about the weekend’s new movies and which exactly had “boffo B.O.” but it offered precious few details of its own life.[1]

Special powers

I have established earlier in this blog that psychic powers are granted those animals with third eyes. Consider then, the dozens of eyes in the peacock’s tail and you will begin to understand just how massively powerful its psionic abilities are.

the peacock has many eyes and they are ever watchful

Already it sees your mind. Aaaaand… yep. You looked too long. It owns your brain now.

In addition to being a world-class telepath, the peacock is a high-ranking film and television executive. This might not seem like much of a special power, but can YOU greenlight a Chris Pine romantic comedy just to win an argument with a coworker?[2]

The peacock’s favorite projects to produce are high concept films. Incidentally, there’s some confusion about what exactly constitutes a “high concept” movie. Allow me to explain. They’re called high concept because they’re the kind of thing a high person would come up with, like “what if a dog played basketball” or “I bet Abe Lincoln would be the best at killing vampires” or “they should totally make a sequel to Donnie Darko.”

Weaknesses

The peacock has a reputation in the entertainment industry for its projects coming in a day late and a dollar over budget. But honestly, one day and one dollar? That’s not that bad. That’s pretty easy to adjust for.

Furthermore, it has committed the sin of pride. It has three separate Instagram accounts and once spent two hours and nineteen minutes in a hall of mirrors.

Number of legs

Two. Also wings.

Peafowl terminology

Technically speaking, only a male is known as a peacock. A female is known as a peahen. A child is known as a peawee. A non-working male who exists only to reproduce is known as a peadrone. An adolescent fighter is known as a peaweight. An elder, washed up fighter is known as a peabull. One of my neighbors was known as Al.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear’s mental defenses are not particularly strong. The peacock could make the bear its puppet.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Its film record is pretty mixed. It’s awfully full of itself. And all that loud meowing seems unnecessarily mean and better left to the mockingbird. On the other hand, it is quite pretty and its psychic powers blow everyone else out of the proverbial water. CORRECTION. IT IS EXTREMELY PRETTY. UNDOUBTEDLY THE PRETTIEST OF ALL THE BIRDS. ITS MOVIES ARE BRILLIANT AND IT IS NOT THE PEACOCK’S FAULT IF AUDIENCES CAN’T APPRECIATE OBLIVION. IT WORKS REALLY HARD, HUMANS.

 

10/10

 

 

 

[1]The other main thing it liked to say was “MEEEE-YOW! MEEEE-YOW!” which I take as a slam on the cat.

[2]Both the peacock and its colleague the lion recorded their own roars for their respective studios. The investors scrapped the peacock’s, however.

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Meerkat

Meerkat Hey meerkat, are you busy or–

oops

Oh no it’s like that shot in The Shining

Oh. Oh I’ll come back later. In the meantime, I’ll go ahead and rate you. Special powers There are many fine tunnel-diggers in the world, but the meerkat is one of the best. Its tunnels are consistently some of the nicest and most extensive in their respective neighborhoods. It has long been believed that the meerkat is a sun angel, an emissary of heaven meant to protect humanity from the moon devil and his werewolf lieutenants. The meerkat has no fat, which makes it almost thin enough for fashion modeling. Weaknesses The meerkat has no fat, yet insists on wearing shorts in the winter out of some weird stubborn pride. The meerkat’s greatest weakness is for reality shows. It actively follows a variety of them, listed here:

  • Flavor of Love
  • Duck Dynasty
  • Amish Yakuza
  • Mennonite Posse
  • Pitbulls & Parolees
  • Real Housewives of Boca Raton
  • Real Tunnelwives of Molemanopolis, the Undercity
  • Pog Kings
  • Belding Management (about Dennis Haskins, Mr. Belding from Saved by the Bell, becoming a landlord)
  • MANsplanations
  • Diner Lovin’
  • The Decisioning (contest judges’ chairs just spin and spin and spin)
  • Epileptic Caterers
  • The Real Teen Wolf
  • Felony Scavenger Hunt Miami
  • Bunk It or Junk It! (in which contestants are forced to either become roommates or watch a prized possession crushed by industrial machinery)
  • Loch Ness Spring Break
  • YOLO Academy
  • Duke of Versailles (David Siegel’s cousin Duke moves in with the family in the largest home in America, and has some crazy ideas on how to run it)
  • Grapes Ahoy (in which a woman tells a friend that their mutual friend is “overreacting” to something)
  • Mtn Dew Presents Constitutional Dewpublic
  • Stars in Danger: The High Dive
  • Val in the Family (Val Kilmer’s ex-wife lives her life)
  • Flip This Playground
  • America’s Next Great “Psych” Fan
  • LA Surgery Challenge: The Hamptons
  • Poor People Are Hilarious
  • Krill of the Hunt (centered on the humpback whale becoming a bounty hunter)
  • Spencer’s Den
  • Extreme Makeover: Chair Edition
  • How Loud Can This Musical Sting Be
  • We Three Ices (starring Ice T, Ice Cube & Vanilla Ice)
  • Salmon Bride
  • Living With Chuck (OJ Simpson’s former cellmate moves to the big city and tries to have it all while balancing his career and personal life)
  • Mr. Met: Making The Cut
  • Cupcake Assassin
  • Dance, Monkey (primates are trained to participate in dance competitions)
  • Celebrity Top Chef All-Stars
  • I Love Celebrity Top Chef All-Stars
  • Date Rape!
  • Ferrets of the Father (a priest trains ferrets to provide emotional support to the obese)
  • My Whipped Cream Masterpiece
  • Situational Awareness (The Situation’s shenanigans distract local business owners while undercover actors burn down their businesses as a prank)
  • Jenner Unleashed (Bruce Jenner reads snarky comments off cue cards about clips of the testimonies of victims of violent crime)
  • Frittata Palace
  • I Didn’t Know I Was 98% Tumor
  • Let’s Talk I Love Celebrity Top Chef All-Stars (I Love Celebrity Top Chef All-Stars recap show)
  • Flavor of Love Canada

A lot of people think that the meerkat stars in its own reality show, Meerkat Manor. However, this is a misconception. In fact, “Manor” is a soap opera in the style of Downton Abbey, which just happens to be filmed in mockumentary style. The producers claim that this is merely a device, and not meant to be taken as a literal part of the Meerkat Manor universe. Debate on the Meerkat Manor forums continue to rage. Number of legs Four. Wikipedia’s Talk Page, on Meerkat Manor “The people that filmed the show, were probably very good people.” Collective nouns A group of meerkats is known as a mob, gang, or klan. None of these terms are positive.

meerkat family photo

Dang it, Randy; you ruined another picture.

What if it fought a bear? Don’t be silly. All the cooking challenges in the world can’t prepare you for a bear fight. Is it noble? Moderately. Final rating The meerkat’s name comes from the Dutch for “more cat.” As in, “I’d like some more of that cat!” The Dutch have historically greatly enjoyed the cut of the meerkat’s jib. And I find it hard to disagree with them. It’s a pretty great animal all around, as long as you don’t have to share a television with it.     9/10

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Tauntaun

Tauntaun

I first learned about the tauntaun in the scienced fictionary film The Empire Is Striking Again! Now, some say a Star Wars movie is not a credible source, but I saw it on IMAX same as Planet Earth, so.

I mean, that's a real dude on top of it.

Probably real, right?

Special powers

The tauntaun keeps very warm. Even on the ice planet of Hoth or – Heaven forbid – North Dakota, the tauntaun can survive.

It does spot-on impressions of the hamburglar and Johnny Carson.

hamburglar

His daring daylight foodstuff heists are made even more bold by his flamboyant costume.

Weaknesses

Firstly, it smells so bad.

Secondly, it smells even worse on the inside.

Number of legs

Two.

Creative ambitions

You may have heard that there’s a new Star Wars movie coming out, The Stars Warring Episode of Seventh, to be helmed by J.J. Walker.

J.J. Walker

“Dy-no-mite!” the director said when hired.

The tauntaun hasn’t gotten much work since its featured appearance in Empire[1], so ever since the announcement, it has been working feverishly to submit its own script treatment with a juicy role for the tauntaun.

Excerpts from the tauntaun’s Star Wars 7 draft

LUKE: (worried) There are disruptors all over our combulatrix. I have a bad Force-feeling about this.

CHEWBACCA: (upset) Graaaaauuuughhh!

TAUNTAUN: That ain’t the half of it, Chewie. You’re all lucky you’ve got the cleverest and best-smelling pilot this side of the Chevros nebula on board.

 

BOBA FETT: Oy, are you mental? You’re tryin’ to clone the emp’ror, innit?

OSAMAX: You think me crazy? Would a crazy man have the Omega Formula?

He holds up something glowing green that the audience can’t quite see, but clearly frightens Fett.

 

ACKBAR: Fire the starboard ion cannons! Set them to Full Gangnam Style!

A record scratch plays, interrupting AC/DC’s Thunderstruck, followed by the familiar strains of rapper PSY…

 

TAUNTAUN: (exhausted) Is that all the Mega-Emperor’s got?

Leia runs to Tauntaun, stepping over the dead bloodtroopers. She looks at Tauntaun with an expression of sexual attraction.

LEIA: Tauntaun, you’re the best of all of us!

 

HAN: But tauntaun! I thought you were dead!

TAUNTAUN: (coolly) Who were you expecting? Wicket?

(At this point the film projector pauses the film for laughter/applause)

Wookieepedia’s Talk Page Says

“Call me sick, but the guts spilling out always made me laugh for some strange reason. I don’t know exactly why…”

What if it fought a bear?

Well, a wampa is kind of like a frosty mega-bear, so I’m gonna say the tauntaun would get eaten.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

I mean, there’s still a chance the tauntaun isn’t real, I guess. That ol’ Georgie Lucas might have made it up in an effort to make me look like a fool. Whatever the case, the tauntaun is pretty nice; it just doesn’t have the chops to make it in Hollywood.

 

7/10

 

 

 

[1]The movie, not the magazine. Its article in the magazine was fine, but nothing special.

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Wolf

Wolf

In the week leading up to the release of Taken 2, I have got to tell you: Taken 2 fever has over”Taken 2″ the Rate Every Animal offices! This is of course the latest in the very confusing Liam Neeson series, a franchise based around a character who in previous installments helped out some Jewish folks, fought Darth Maul, and punched the wolf.

And who can blame him? Well, anyone if they want to. But who can want to? Well, people who would prefer the wolf not to be punched.

Look, what I’m trying to get at here is that a lot of people, given the chance and the arm strength, would gladly punch the wolf.

gray wolf

Just asking for it?

Special powers

The wolf is a powerful predator, near the top of its respective food chain. In order to eat all that stuff below it, it utilizes strong jaws. And of course, it gains strength from the moon.

Don’t be too afraid, though. If the wolf attacks you (a human[1]), it is probably just rabid. Sleep tight!

Weaknesses

Not the most charming of creatures, other animals often want to punch it.

Number of legs

Four.

Number of toes

Ten in the front, eight in the back. There was… an incident.

Social structure

The wolf organizes itself into packs made up of nuclear families. Many argue that this is extremely dangerous to the environment and public health.

Radioactive wolves

Radioactive wolves

There is, however, a secondary alternative structure in which one wolf goes it alone, called the lone wolf method. This is the one employed by Liam Neeson in Taken 2: The Takening.

Is it a wolf?

Airwolf: No.

Wolfsbane: No.

Wolfmother: Yes.

Wolfberry: Yes.

Yelawolf: Yes.

Wolfenstein 3D: No.

Wolfman Jack: Half.

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart: No.

Wolfgang Puck: He is two wolves.

What if it fought a bear?

There would be numerous fighting games, movies, books, etc. dedicated to it.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

A non-stop thrill-ride! Neeson brings a throat-punching intensity to the latest, wolf-free installment in the series. Though this reviewer wonders why his lightsaber has been dropped from continuity.

Aslan and Lucy

“The League of Shadows has been a check against human corruption for thousands of years.”

Overall, though, this is one movie you should let yourself… get Taken 2!

 

4 out of 5 stars

 

 

[1]Probably.

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Skunk

Skunk

Last week my apartment complex received a visit from today’s animal – the skunk. I never saw the skunk myself, but I smelled what it had dealt upon us. The skunk is a spiteful animal who operates its odiferous glands on something of a scorched earth policy. One moment of skunk anger in the past will continue to haunt the present, causing many innocents to suffer.

skunk

“I don’t care who I hurt!”

You may think I have something of a grudge against the skunk. You may think I am reviewing it on the heels of its assault on the air outside my residence out of contempt. I assure you through clenched teeth that it is COMPLETE COINCIDENCE.

Special powers

As mentioned above, the skunk is the irresponsible owner of scent glands which can spray a horrible stench at predators or anyone it dislikes. This is why the skunk is no longer welcome at most reputable restaurants and country clubs.

Weaknesses

Its go-to move and temper means it has burned bridges with numerous establishments. Would you want a guest who tends to fly off the handle and ruin your home for days afterward? NEITHER DID I.

Number of legs

Four.

Drink of choice

It is so bad at shotgunning.

Miller Lite.

Famous skunks (non-sexual offender division)

Below is Wikipedia’s list of skunks in movies & TV series, presented in its entirety:

This has been a direct quote of Wikipedia.

Famous skunks (sexual offender division)

I have little love for the skunk, but even I understand the skunk’s anger at Warner Brothers for its offensive portrayal of their character “Pepe Le Pew”* The propaganda machine behind “Merrie Melodies” cranked out dozens and dozens of short films in a smear campaign intended to paint the skunk as a rapist.

To this day, 75% of attempted pet skunk sales turn out to be stings organized by Chris Hansen.

Chris Hansen

“You say you’re here to buy some skunk? Why don’t you have a seat?”

Aliases

In Mexico, there is a masked vigilante who greatly resembles the skunk and leaves gangsters devastated in huge swaths of stink. He is known as Zorrillo, or “El Punishero.” This may seem noble until you realize that Zorrillo does not care about collateral damage and that every gangster he’s sprayed happened to be one the skunk owed a lot of money. See WikiLeaks for more information.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear could kill the skunk easy, but he’d regret it for a solid week and a half.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

I wouldn’t wish the misleading minstrel show that is Pepe Le Pew on any animal… Okay, some animals, but for all its spite and pettiness and short-sightedness, not the generally harmless skunk. But does a degree of sympathy for its stereotyping make the skunk a good animal? Why don’t we ask the area surrounding my apartment building?

Sniff sniff. What’s that, area? It doesn’t? Then we’re in agreement.

 

2/10

 

 

*A French name meaning “Pepe the church bench.”

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