Tag Archives: Hell

Blue jay

Blue jay

The crow family is not typically known for its good looks or outgoing nature, but today’s featured animal is something of a blue sheep in those regards. It’s the blue jay, and it’s both those things despite its familial ties.

Special powers

The blue jay has the gift of gab. The Kingfisher Illustrated Encyclopedia of Animals uncharitably describes this by saying “The colorful but elusive jay is best known for its harsh, scraping call.”

It also has high-level television decision-making power. Along with its fellow executives, it has approved numerous new series to air in the 2015-16 season, as announced this week at “upfronts.”[1] These include…

Chicago Animal Control: From superstar producer Dick Wolf comes the latest tale of the men and women who keep the Windiest City safe. This team specializes in what can happen when our furry friends… become furry foes. From Wolf Films.

The Unit: Declassified: All your favorite heroes from the original run of The Unit are back in this special eventized limited edition foil-packaged series! Donald Palmsbert! Bill Ryan! Swan McTavish! Cara Burpentallh! Tex Negroni! Fott Scully! When a threat from their past infiltrates the highest levels of the government, only The Unit can be trusted to save the nation. From MiddKid Productions.

Pop Sensation: Contestants try desperately to win big prizes by popping balloons in several fast-paced party games, as hosted by Mr. T. From Millennium Squared Studios.

Thin-Skinned: Dr. Blake Berger (Adrian Pasdar) is one of the most talented dermatologists in the world. Ironically, the one skin the perpetually offended doctor can’t strengthen is his own. From Weebletone Signature.

Great Old One: This time, it’s Cthulhu who will start taking calls when the ancient water god comes up from the deep and helps Detective Joanna Thurston (Amber Stevens West) catch criminals. The mystery thickens when bodies start turning up related to a cult worshiping the Elder Things. From FlanderWest Studios.

Untitled Apparently Kid Project: A Pennsylvania child (Apparently Kid) strikes it rich at a carnival game and uses his newfound millionaire status to fund a documentary crew to follow his daily adventures. Apparently, it’s a wild ride! From Bruntwad Productions.

Oh Henry!: A sitcom about a man who just can’t stop overthinking things, and his friends who are at different points in their lives. Charles Shaughnessy, Larisa Oleynick and ALF star. From Cundleswick Studios.

Weaknesses

The blue jay experiences unironic emotion when hearing that Wiz Khalifa song from Furious 7.

It never uses crosswalks.

It has a neckbeard:

The sideburns are really something too.

The sideburns are really something too.

Number of legs

Two, plus wings.

Do I own a Beanie Baby of it?

Yes.

Unfortunate duties

Due to an ill-advised bet it made many years ago, the blue jay has to go every Friday to Hell to take sticks to the Devil. What does Satan do with sticks anyway?

Nothing good, we can presume.

Nothing good, we can presume.

What if it fought a bear?

It did try to fight a bear. The blue jay was so aggressive, the bear got freaked out and assumed against all evidence that the blue jay must know something about its fighting prowess that the bear didn’t, so it backed down. Score one for the blue jay.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

With the blue jay’s colors, it is probably my all-time number one favorite bird to look at. But those shows don’t look very good.

 

 

9.5/10

 

 

 

[1]This is a time when the networks are very “upfront” with everyone about how much they love Matthew Perry and Kyle Bornheimer.

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Goat

Goat

By the Chinese zodiac, 2015 is the Year of the Sheep/Goat/Ram – proof that people dumb enough to believe in astrology don’t understand what different animals are. 2015 is gonna be a big year. I have a number of Bold Predictions for 2015, which I would like to list now:

  • We’ll hit all 12 months again, in – and here’s the spooky part – the exact same order as last year.

  • Sisqo will sing “Toyotathon-th-thon-thon-thon.”

  • The new Helen Thomas (beloved stalwart White House press conference presence) will be a man named BuzzgrindTommy.

  • Pink Floyd will finally get the Doors/Eagles style backlash it has delayed for years through a soon-to-expire contract with Satan.

  • The truth about Area 51 (that it is the Seventh Flag of Six Flags) will be revealed.

  • Justin Timberlake will announce, “I brought sexy back and if you aren’t more responsible with it, I’ll take it away again.”

  • A popular news website will publish an editorial positing that “maybe the Kennedys should have cameled less.”

  • A beloved actor who is now almost 90 years old will die.

  • Jeff Dunham will become a martyr for many free speech advocates when he is hospitalized with stab wounds after his new puppet “Satchmo” comes to life.

  • Arbor Day will be fraught with controversy in light of public sentiment turning against trees. A comparably themed day called Freedom Shrub Day will be celebrated.

  • A brave new serialized drama will explore the murder of one woman, and how it affects a grumpy dude, over the course of a short season.
  • 2015 will be Ryan Lewis’s year to shine.

  • The 2016 U.S. Presidential race will heat up when Joe Biden promises “a stunt-ready dirtbike in every garage,” Jeb Bush takes a meeting with a major campaign supporter who turns out to be a sentient tire fire, Mitt Romney calls a taco “one of those delightful spicened rollers,” and Hillary Clinton takes to wearing a black cloak she claims helps her harness “the Darkforce.”

  • The molemen will not reveal themselves fully to land-dwellers, but they will make their presence felt subtly. Pay close attention to the signs.

  • Seahawks over Packers, by just a little.

  • The Grammys will be cohosted by LL Cool J from NCIS: Los Angeles and Yass Cat from the phone application Vine.

  • North Dakota will be canceled due to lack of interest.

This is what happens when you let the goat have a whole year.

Special powers

Not that I dislike the goat, necessarily. It has many things going for it. It produces milk useful to humans. It’s equipped with horns for defense. It can double jump, allowing it to reach the highest platforms on most stages.

I should also note that the goat is a wuminant – its stomach has 36 chambers.

Weaknesses

It will eat anything, even boots or old tin cans, and it doesn’t even put sriracha or something on there first.

The goat’s eyes are unnatural nightmare portals.

aaahhhh

The goat has on several occasions served as the bridge that allowed real evil into our world. We think it’s unintentional.

get killing

There’s some circumstantial evidence that it’s not.

Number of legs

Four.

Number of men it respects

The goat only respects one man.

Police warned angry goat on roof 'only respects one man'

What if it fought a bear?

Step one of fighting the bear is respecting the bear’s ability. That is a step the goat will fail.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Assuming the goat isn’t actually a willing servant of the demonic, it’s perhaps the most charmingly goofy source of cheese that exists. That’s the kind of comfort we’re going to need to make it through the Year of the Goat. A conditional…

 

 

8.5/10

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Tasmanian devil

Tasmanian devil

When you hear the name of today’s animal, you may think it is just a fictional cartoon invented by the Warner Brothers for profit[1], like Elmer Fudd or Johnny Depp. But no, unlike them, the Tasmanian devil is real.

Satan Is Real

Shenanigans.

And that’s the other misconception right there. The Tasmanian devil is not, strictly speaking, a devil. Does it receive a small commission for souls it has led to a certain circle of the underworld by its temptations? Yes. But it is simply a contractor for the actual demonic administration. The Tasmanian devil’s primary income still comes from its job hosting a travel show.

Special powers

The Tasmanian devil is undiscriminating in its consumption. It eats everything meat or meat-adjacent it can get its jaws around. That includes bones, fur, and any scarves or smart phones the deceased may have had on its person[2], up to forty percent of its own body weight in one sitting – forty-five if it’s Thanksgiving. All this makes the Tasmanian devil an unstoppable force in eating contests.

What fat the Tasmanian devil doesn’t work off just generally going nutso in its day-to-day is stored in its tail, leaving the Tasmanian devil’s torso as camera-ready as ever. It saves a ton on clothes never having to change sizes.

it can't drive

It bought that sweater in the first Bush administration.

Weaknesses

The Tasmanian devil was hunted nearly to extinction by farmers who blamed it for killing livestock. The accusations were false, and the Tasmanian devil dedicated itself to finding the real killer (OJ Simpson). In 1941 the local government made the devil a protected species, but poor wording meant this law protected all devils. And that is why Australia is home to more hellbeasts than any locale on Earth.[3]

It should also be noted that it’s got a chubby tail.

Number of legs

Four.

Professions

As mentioned above, the Tasmanian devil passes its time with contract work for Hell and its travel-themed cable program. In this show, the Tasmanian devil goes around the globe to try various small restaurants and devour anything vaguely food-like put in front of it. It has visited hundreds of eateries over the show’s three seasons of production.[4] Some of the Tasmanian devil’s favorites were:

  • Rosa’s
  • Alice’s Restaurant
  • Marconio’s
  • sqüeeze
  • Big Todd’s Belly Hut
  • Pork Squad
  • Panda Dragon Cuisine
  • A Taste of Ottawa
  • Alice’s Kitchen
  • El Esqueleto
  • The Sloppy Beagle
  • The Spangly Dowager
  • The Dourest Charlatan
  • Sportz ‘n’ Spoonz Bar & Grill
  • Dee Snyder Presents Back Seat
  • Alice’s Diner
  • Seattle Fish Market of P’yongyang
  • Crunch! Artisan Pretzel Donuts
  • Mucho Gusto
  • Cookies Cookies Cookies
  • The Sizzla in Manila
  • GD Ritzy’s
  • Gruntle House
  • Untitled (a hot dog cart in Stockholm)
  • Pizza Dojo
  • KFC Chang’s
  • Alice’s Foodtruck
  • Chilly’s (a Chili’s that lost its license)
  • The People’s Demilitarized Pancake Zone
  • Waffle Trough
  • Donny’s Buckets
  • You Catch ‘Em, We Fry ‘Em
  • Wattay International Airport Shake Shack
  • A Midsummer Night’s Tenderloin
  • Donair Shed
  • Stouffer’s LIVE!
  • State Route 37 (a road where the Tasmanian devil found some roadkill it really enjoyed)

Upsetting Wikipedia quote

“Devils are not monogamous, and their reproductive process is very robust and competitive.”

bow chikka etc

Think about that while you’re in bed tonight.

Favorite video game

Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2.

What if it fought a bear?

As much as the Tasmanian devil would relish the challenge of eating an entire dead bear, it would be quickly ended by a live one.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Just because you’re not a devil doesn’t make working for devils any more admirable – even part-time work. It runs a fun show, though.

 

 

6/10

 

 

 

 

 

[1]And to defeat the Monstars.

[2]Metaphorical person. It’s usually an animal.

[3]The top three is rounded out by that giant sinkhole in Guatemala and Detroit.

[4]Ignoring the unaired pilot where the Tasmanian devil’s role was filled by Craig Kilborn.

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Dragonfly

Dragonfly

I’ve already addressed one non-dragon “dragon.” Today I write about another: the dragonfly.

pink dragonfly

This one DOES have wings, but doesn’t give a friggin’ dang about gold.

The dragonfly isn’t always a beautiful pink beast of the air. It begins life emerging from an egg, which is really biting Lady Gaga’s style, but her team[1] hasn’t been litigious about it. At this point, the dragonfly is just a nymph, a larval stage which floats about and fires its nightmarish hydraulic jaw into unsuspecting victims at range. Eventually, when it has killed the last teen camper in the pond, the nymph leaves the water and allows its dragonfly self to crack out of its shell. At this point, it must inflate its wings at the nearest tire shop. Only then is the dragonfly truly an adult. Only then can it wait seven more years to be able to rent a car.

Special powers

Well, there’s that crazy projectile monster jaw as a nypmh. As an adult, the dragonfly boasts large[2] compound eyes with as many as 30,000 lenses and dozens of in-eye image-altering tools and filters. Its perhaps most impressive accomplishment is the ability to fly any direction, including backwards. It can even just hover in place if it likes. I won’t pretend I’m not jealous.

Another fascinating power the dragonfly has is its resistance to cosmic threats.

dragonfly in rain

The dragonfly enduring a harsh meteor storm.

Weaknesses

The dragonfly’s complicated eyes prevent it from enjoying 3-D movies and video games, but it already bought all the equipment. This is what happens when you get shop online late at night, people.

Number of legs

Six.

Horrifying Wikipedia quote

“They breathe through gills in their rectum, and can rapidly propel themselves by suddenly expelling water through the anus.”

Differences from the damselfly

The dragonfly is different from the damselfly. The damselfly is smaller & holds its wings at rest together alongside body as opposed to the dragonfly, whose idle wing strategy can be better described as “letting it all hang out.”

Unsolved mysteries

The obelisk posture is a handstand the dragonfly does on sunny hot days. Scientists and religious leaders wonder: Is it a martial art? Is it a yoga? Is it true that one day when every dragonfly strikes the pose at once, the sky will crack open and phase two in the grand scheme of the dragonfly will be loosed upon our world?

What if it fought a bear?

The devil uses dragonflies to weigh souls. The bear’s soul is not particularly strong, but the dragonfly is uninterested in doing anything but getting a measurement. We’ll call this one a draw.

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

In the American South, the dragonfly is called the snake doctor. It is rumored to float around, mending the snake’s wounds. This is not a role the dragonfly plays in real life, although it is an essentially accurate description of the two animals’ relationship in their role-playing campaign.

I’m certainly concerned about the young dragonfly’s horrifying and possibly sinister obelisk worship. But I think this anecdote about the dragonfly’s gaming selflessness illustrate that the dragonfly does have other sides to its personality.

The dragonfly: It’s nature’s helicopter.

 

6.5/10

 

 

 

[1]Feinman, Stiles & Monsterbot, Attorneys at Law.

[2]I mean, relatively. It’s still bug-sized, you know?

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Hula painted frog

Hula painted frog

There isn’t always big animal news, but when there is, I’m obligated to weigh in so you know exactly how many burritos I ate while I was chasing the leads to get only the freshest journalistic insight.[1]

Well, this week there’s some real three-burrito level news: The Hula painted frog is back from the dead.

Hula painted frog

I know this is emotional. Please, take this time to collect yourselves.

Until its miraculous resurrection, the Hula painted frog was last seen alive in the 1950s. This amazing creature did what few have done before: it escaped the underworld to return triumphant to the land of the living. It’s like the Lazarus of amphibians, and not just because they’re both from the greater Israel area.

Special powers

Besides being able to break the chains of Hell itself? It hops pretty good.

Weaknesses

It is very shy. It went to exactly one dance in high school, and spent the entire time standing by the punch bowl.

Having been dead for nearly sixty years, the Hula painted frog has missed out on decades of cultural reference points. It thought The Beatles were something it could eat. It hasn’t seen a single Fast & Furious movie. It was recently booked for an appearance on the Tonight Show and expressed excitement at meeting Steve Allen.

jay leno

Ohhh, Hula painted frog. Oh no.

Number of legs

Four.

Celebrity encounters

Because of the unique circumstances of its life/death, the Hula painted frog knows better than most exactly who is suffering eternal punishment. Sure, you could correctly guess that it met Attila the Hun if you want to go obvious. But while most know that Oops! All Berries lead to a dishonorable discharge for Captain Crunch, fewer know that he was also sent to Hades for his hubris.

While there, the Hula painted frog even became part of a weekly card game with Lucky Luciano, the triceratops, a guy who parked his car across four different spots, and Vanna Black, the sinister doppelganger who co-hosts Wheel of Poverty.[2]

What if it fought a bear?

The crucial difference is that the bear is still, ultimately, afraid to die. And that is why it fails.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The Hula painted frog is still catching up on our newfangled “interstate highway system” and “actually choosing to eat pine nuts.” That will come with time. Even now, though, isn’t this an impressive enough comeback?

 

9.5/10

 

 

[1]In this case, three.

[2]I know; I thought that title was a missed opportunity too.

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Devil fish

Devil fish

It would be simply boorish of me not to wish you a happy Halloween! Ghastly even! So, y’know, happy Halloween. Wrapping up a month of extra-ghoulish animal reviews we have this: the devil fish.

The devil fish is not to be confused with the fish devil, owner-operator of Fish Hell, who more closely resembles an old-timey diver who spends most of his free time having sex with a treasure chest.

same love

“Let’s do this.”

Their only similarity is that they both draw power from the prince of darkness. While the fish devil uses its evil authority to torture wicked fish souls, the devil fish’s sinister abilities basically amount to flight.

Special powers

Well, flight of course. And its spiny tail can be used as a weapon.

The devil fish is also a world-class poker player. It plays as its primary occupation, in fact, though its first love will always be auctioning off storage containers.

Weaknesses

The devil fish is highly susceptible to paid programming. Just ask its storage container full of Fushigi balls.

It ranks at just three from the bottom of its fraternity’s all-time Halo leaderboard.

devil fish

It has charged into close combat with a sniper rifle on multiple occasions.

Number of legs

Nope.

Its favorite fraternity brothers

The devil fish would like to thank the following fraternity brothers for their steadfast friendship:

1. Tyler
2. Buzz
3. Timmy D
4. DiNardo
5. D-Rack
6. Tre
7. Jonestown
8. Smitty
9. Johnny Jorts
10. Dumper
11. Fat Jake
12. Bebop
13. Rocksteady
14. Cortes
15. Kane
16. Spud
17. Badger
18. Goosedown
19. Dr. Bongenstein, Ph.D
20. Shark Top
21. Marconi
22. Pete 2
23. Flinch
24. Dragon
25. Nicky Time
26. Bono
27. The Edge
28. 3Pete
29. Jordo
30. Toner
31. Fluoride
32. Jhuven
33. Banksy
34. Partyman
35. Batdance
36. Troy
37. Julio
38. 4Pete
39. Gargoyle
40. Medium Willy
41. Hot Sauce
42. Kuko
43. Earl of Sandwich
44. Duke of Jager
45. Grand Wizard of Boning
46. Zac
47. Rizzo
48. Scooter
49. Beaker
50. Tyler
51. Gonzo
52. Zoooooom
53. T-800
54. Splift
55. Keithmaster
56. Cornsquat
57. Maizebutt
58. Rowlf
59. Spicoli
60. Junior Jr.
61. Zak
62. Quizz
63. Spa Dog
64. Merlin
65. Turk Scrubsier
66. Junkyard Dan
67. No-Shoes
68. Sleeves
69. Luis
70. Lungpunk
71. Tyler
72. His Eminence The Frosty One
73. Quint
74. Griffin
75. Toastman
76. SimCity
77. Weedle
78. K-PAX
79. The Arbiter
80. Jon Gosselin
and
81. Tyler

What if it fought a bear?

If it had its best buds at its side, the bear would be completely overwhelmed.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The devil fish is a real bro, and one with ties to the dark arts at that. It’s obnoxious to talk to, and saying the wrong thing might get your storage container cursed. On the other hand, if you need something slap chopped, it’s more than happy to help.

 

3.5/10

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Fainting goat

Fainting goat

This week’s animal has been made a joke and viral e-mail forward, but the fainting goat is much deeper than that.

Fainting goat

Look beyond the funny stiff legs.

Special powers

The fainting goat, in response to various stimuli, goes completely stiff in all its muscles. This may seem like a weakness. …Okay, it is.

Weaknesses

The fainting goat, in response to various stimuli, goes completely stiff in all its muscles.

Back to special powers

What appears to be pointless temporary paralysis is actually a side effect of something far more amazing: the fainting goat’s voyages to the spirit world.

The fainting goat’s soul travels easily back and forth between the two realms. As I’m sure you’re aware, time stretches in that plane of reality. So while the fainting goat spends mere seconds frozen in our world, it has time to accomplish numerous things in the spirit world. Its favorite activities include acquiring wisdom from the dead, battling demons, and pranking the Ghost Hunters.

Number of legs

Four, often stiff and unmoving.

How cute is it?

So cute.

But what about those eyes?

Oh. Yeah, those are freaky as heck.

Eye of Goat

MONSTER.

What if it fought a bear?

No dice. Bears are just as powerful in the spirit world.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

Laugh at the fainting goat at your own risk. It might be in a position to save you from a Nazgul.

Ringwraiths

Not all nine at once though. That’ll take twelve goats at least.

But for all this serious spiritual business and astral navigation, the fainting goat is not dour. It’s an amiable little guy who never takes time to brood about having hooves in two worlds. And let’s keep it that way; don’t tell it about all those YouTube users laughing at it. It still hasn’t heard and doesn’t know how to use the Internet.

 

8.5/10

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