This week I’d like to bring focus to a truly superlative animal: the giraffe. The giraffe is of course the happiest animal, but did you know it is also the tallest?
“But wait!” you cry. “Does that mean it is better at basketball than the ostrich?”
First off, stop whining. Secondly, don’t be ridiculous. Just because an animal is taller doesn’t mean it’s automatically better at basketball. All you have to do is ask the great Air Bud, who was the second-shortest on his team after Nate Robinson. In fact, the giraffe’s poor coordination and depth perception doomed it to sit the bench all through high school.
“Riding the pine” was not its biggest embarrassment in early years, however. In yet another example of the ancients being dumb as a box of rocks and the box is also made of rocks, humans once believed the giraffe to be a camel wearing a leopard-print turtleneck. The giraffe felt very self-conscious about this for a long time. I mean, imagine someone mistook you for this:
You wouldn’t take it well, I bet.
Obviously, the giraffe has a great height advantage. This aids it in various tasks, both cookie jar-related and otherwise. It has a long, prehensile blue tongue. This aids it in various tasks, both cookie jar-related and otherwise. It has stumpy little horns known as ossicones, which pick up the local FOX affiliate, MTV2, Cooking Channel, the CW, and, on good days if it bends its neck right, Starz Edge.
It should also be noted that the giraffe learns to walk in mere hours. That’s a jillion times quicker than Albert Einstein and Plato combined. So who’s smart now?
An almost preternatural ability to call shotgun. (see Weaknesses)
The giraffe’s incredible height can also be an inconvenience. When the giraffe drops its keys, what follows is a day-long ordeal. Many basements, the subway system, and small cars are all struggles for the giraffe. One silver lining to all this is it has developed an almost preternatural ability to call shotgun.
When the giraffe gathers with its peers, there is a risk of their necks entangling into a knotted mess, creating a many-legged giraffe king.
It isn’t very good at basketball. (see Introduction)
Number of legs
Because of its susceptibility to decapitation, vampire and Highlander giraffes were never able to take hold and died out long ago.
San Diego Zoo, on giraffe sounds
“They just very rarely do so. One sound giraffes make when they’re alarmed is a snort. Threats such as lions nearby may warrant a snort.”
Why so stingy with the snorts? You can’t spare a snort for an old friend?
What if it fought a bear?
The bear rarely carries a sword, so decapitation isn’t as simple an option as one might think. The giraffe exploits its reach advantage and takes the win.
Is it noble?
This easy-going beast is an impressive sight and a good friend to others. It’s the kind of animal that will help you watch The Simpsons reruns until the cable guy comes to your new apartment – even if your apartment is on the second floor. Especially then, honestly.