Tag Archives: grifting

Kangaroo

Kangaroo

There is much to unravel with the kangaroo. To get at all the secrets its pouch conceals, we will have to go deep into the subject.

Captain Kangaroo

Captain Kangaroo

Captain Kangaroo

WE HAVE TO GO DEEPER

Captain Kangaroo

I N C A P T A I N

The kangaroo got its start with the kangaroo rat in the mean streets of London. There the two of them ran cons masterminded by the kangaroo rat, with the kangaroo acting largely as muscle. One of their favorites was to enter the kangaroo in boxing matches, only to manipulate the outcome through cheating or taking a fall. Honestly, though, the fact that any Londoner wanted to punch a kangaroo speaks ill of them.

Eventually, Scotland Yard got wise to one of the duo’s more elaborate schemes and arrested them. The plan called for them to ransom Big Ben’s hour hand, so it was probably doomed from the start. The kangaroo rat had started to sample hard drugs at that stage, and its masterminding was beginning to suffer.

And so, the kangaroo was exiled to Australia, where it found itself quite at home among fellow criminals and road warriors. In modern times, it is considered a pest by most, but it’s still on good terms with the road warriors.

Special powers

The kangaroo is an excellent boxer. Its special feet allow it to jump at great speeds and for long distances without tiring. Its pouch hides a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, which would blow your head clean off.

Weaknesses

It is not the sharpest. It went along with all the kangaroo rat’s plans, even the drug-addled, obviously dumb ones. This ties into another weakness it has: the inability to tell right from wrong.

Kangaroo

“Duhhhh, what’s morality?” That’s what you sound like, dummy.

Number of legs

Two, kind of. Kind of four. If three, your kangaroo may be injured.

Libelous statement on Wikipedia’s talk page

“This is an ancient system that can also be seen in reptiles today (evidently the kangaroo was to lazy to evolve out of it). Hitthat (talk) 21:09, 5 March 2010 (UTC)”

Spectral presence

People have been perplexed for years by the appearances of the phantom kangaroo, a marsupial apparition which sometimes bounces through this mortal plane. How can this ghastly thing exist while the kangaroo is alive and well?

The answer is still not completely confirmed, but the phantom kangaroo’s distinctive scar on its left eye seems to indicate that it comes from the future or some kind of parallel universe.

Known aliases

According to Wikipedia, “Kangaroos are often colloquially referred to as roos. Male kangaroos are called bucks, boomers, jacks, or old men; females are does, flyers, or jills, and the young ones are joeys.

In other news, Australians have a lot of time on their hands for talking about kangaroos.

What if it fought a bear?

Assuming there’s no money in losing, the kangaroo would win.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

I am a harsh but fair judge… unlike the kangaroo court, the kangaroo’s failed attempt to fashion a working tribunal to execute the kangaroo’s will under the guise of justice in the lawless Outback.

The kangaroo is very charming. I’d love to give it a higher rating. But it has made too many poor decisions, and understood none of them. Have fun with the drifting biker gangs, kangaroo, but keep your criminal ways out of my society.

 

4/10

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Toad/frog

Toad/Frog

Did you know that scientists do not believe that there is a hard and fast distinction between the toad and the frog? This is playing perfectly into their confidence schemes, which frequently require them to play the same person in multiple locations at the same time. This gambit is known in grifter circles as the Reverse Mrs. Doubtfire. This scam has been notably mastered in numerous variations by the Olsen and Lohan twins.

I Know Who Killed Me

“I Know Who Killed Me” has been called the “Parent Trap” of film.

Special powers

The toad exudes toxins through its many warts, which can cause its enemies to hallucinate (whereupon the toad escapes its disoriented predator), paralysis, or even allergies to wheat.

Nobody believes me, but I swear to you the frog can sing and dance in the grand tradition of American musicals. I’m telling you; he was just doing it before you came in.

Weaknesses

The toad has a crippling weakness to being run over by automobiles, as depicted in the popular arcade game Q*bert.

The frog is hopelessly (and because of a long-running advertising campaign, ironically) addicted to Keystone Ice.

Number of legs

Four.

Where are their vocal sacs?

Neither frog nor toad has external vocal sacs. As a result, both sound like they are mumbling to themselves and do very poorly as stage actors.

toad

Speak up, son.

Explosive properties

The toad is one of the few animals with a built-in self-destruct mechanism. If sufficiently threatened, it will build up gases within itself, then release a hidden flap in a particular wart, the location of which I will not reveal here because of my ongoing blackmail efforts against the toad. At any rate, the addition of oxygen to the mixture triggers a powerful explosion.

The frog must be exploded through traditional means.

Do I own a Beanie Baby of it?

No on both.

What if it fought a bear?

The toad and frog are not big on direct confrontation. They are cowardly, slimy* con men. However, the toad could blow up in the bear’s face in an act of mutually assured destruction.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The frog and toad are scoundrels, and not in the cool way that eleven-fingered thief Danny Ocean is.

Danny Ocean

“Guess how many toes I have! The answer is surprisingly low!”

I must, however, give them due credit for their mastery of Tin Pan Alley standards and inducing others to trip balls, respectively.

 

6.5

 

 

 

*Not intended as a slur against amphibians.

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