Tag Archives: gooooooold

Red-handed tamarin

Red-handed tamarin

Because the red-handed tamarin has gold hands, it is also known as the golden-handed tamarin.

You can see why.

You can see why.

Because of its ability to turn everything it touches into gold, it is also known as the Midas tamarin.

Special powers

The red-handed tamarin turns everything it touches into gold. It is the richest, loneliest monkey.

It is an extremely nimble climber, strong jumper and wise counselor.

The locust pictured above got very good advice in the moment before it died a golden death.

The locust pictured above got very good advice in the moment before it died a golden death.

Weaknesses

It turns everything it touches into gold. You can’t eat gold. And neither can the red-handed tamarin. An unpaid intern feeds it smoothies every day to a) keep the red-handed tamarin alive and b) have more experience on her résumé. Some critics say the red-handed tamarin should just eat things with gold silverware[1], but the red-handed tamarin has blocked them all on Twitter.

Number of legs

Four.

Celebrity birthdays

The red-handed tamarin shares a birthday with…

  • Ian Craig Marsh, who convinced his bandmates in The Human League not to name themselves The Definitely Not Sentient Plants Bunch.

  • Emily Cranston, developer of the Rally’s “You Gotta Eat” campaign, which was the second draft of her original slogan pitch “It’s Better Than Starving!”

  • Spuds MacKenzie, the original party animal.

Potent quotables

“Major League is a slam dunk!” – the tamarin’s review of the 1989 film Major League

What if it fought a bear?

One touch and the red-handed tamarin has a new bear statue.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Don’t touch the red-handed tamarin.

 

 

2.5/10

 

 

[1]Goldware.

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Komodo dragon

Komodo dragon

There is an island where lives a fascinating creature with a misleading name: the komodo dragon.

Komodo dragon

Nickname “Dr. Nomodo”

I say misleading because the komodo dragon is not a true dragon. It lacks wings. Its fire-breathing is poor at best. It does, however, love guarding gold.

Special powers

Terrible as it is at it, the komodo dragon does breathe some fire, which is more than most can claim. It is also very very big for a lizard. Its tongue is tremendously talented; it can taste from 800 yards away, detect smells as subtle as 0.01 PU* per million, and play the piano.

Komodo dragon tongue

The komodo’s tongue prefers old standards and showtunes.

The komodo dragon is also an excellent baker.

Weaknesses

The fire-breathing is really bad. Just really shoddy work. Beyond that, the komodo dragon is terrified to leave its island, much as people with agoraphobia are terrified to go to agoras.

Also, an inability to snap.

Number of legs

Four.

Blood style (on a scale of hot to cold)

The komodo dragon is an ectotherm. It requires external heat in order to remain active. From time to time, it can be self-sufficient by warming itself with its own fire breath. While this would be case closed for a true dragon, this strategy is far from reliable for the komodo. So, it supplements that with other sources of heat, such as Snuggies, lamps, laying on the vent, and freshly baked bread (see Special powers).

Horrifying Wikipedia quote

“Copious amounts of red saliva that the Komodo dragons produce help to lubricate the food, but swallowing is still a long process (15–20 minutes to swallow a goat).”

What if it fought a bear?

If the komodo dragon’s gold was in danger of being stolen by the bear (which is plausible considering the bear’s track record as a thief), it would shut that bear down.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

It’s not hard to see why the komodo dragon doesn’t want to leave its island. It’s a cool place, and surprisingly cozy for a volcanic base (dated though the wood-paneled walls may be). Still, it’s a very insular life to live. And this ties in a bit with its gold, too. How about sharing some of that with the world, komodo dragon? You don’t even have an economy!

Still, it’s a challenge to stay mad at someone who can play “Chopsticks” with its tongue.

 

7.5/10

 

 

*Standing for “Pee-you Units”

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