What killed the dinosaurs? Was it a Great Flood? Was it an Armageddon? Was it a Deep Impact? Was it a flap of Jeff Goldblum‘s wings? The answer, believe it or not, is tied to this week’s animal, our hundredth here at Rate Every Animal, the stegosaurus.
Happy 100, everybody! Well, mostly me. I did it.
The stegosaurus died all those years back with the other dinosaurs, right? Well, yes and no. It did die in the past (hence the bones), but it did not originate there. The stegosaurus is from the future. It has traveled all around the timestream, but it spent a lot of its time in two eras in particular: the late Jurassic and the early 1940s.
While in the ’40s, the stegosaurus befriended some scientists. It offered to assist them in developing something known as the Manhattan Project. They needed a safe place to test their bomb. The stegosaurus died in an attempt to test the atomic bomb in an unpopulated area in the late Cretaceous – specifically Old Pterosaur Johnson‘s house while he was away on vacation. Obviously, the stegosaur had never heard the old time-traveler’s rhyme about transporting nuclear material through time outside of a protective aluminum package. Perhaps if it had a time-traveler role model to look up to, that role model could have taught the stegosaurus stuff like that.
The stegosaurus has access to a time machine. It also has giant spiky plates coming out of its back and tail like some kinda Battlebot. The tail spikes are called the thagomizer, because of a cartoon Gary Larson made and it’s crap like this that makes weirdos believe scientists are just making things up as they go along.
“The fate of Thag Simmons notwithstanding, dinosaurs and humans did not exist in the same era,” Wikipedia helpfully adds.
The stegosaurus might still be alive today/yesterday/tomorrow if not for its lack of a time-traveling mentor.
It also suffers from a famously tiny, tiny, barely-there brain. Less commented upon is its weak lungs, but the stegosaurus can’t go for fifteen minutes of physical activity without coming to a wheezy stop.
Number of legs
Drink of choice
3-D-printed sriracha-infused vodka Red Bull, or a Moscow Mule, depending on availability.
Beyond helping the Manhattan Project along, the stegosaurus has also used its time-traveling ways to save Crimean War era Europe from the Cybermen, prevent the birth of Adolfina Hitler, win Card Sharks, give Thomas Dam the idea for troll dolls, and eat ferns from over 100 different centuries.
What if it fought a bear?
The bear would get thagomized.
Is it noble?
The stegosaurus is a good dinosaur, despite being from the future. I mean, it spent most of its time among the dinosaurs; it acts like a dinosaur; it looks like a dinosaur – and a cool one, at that. I’m calling it a dinosaur.
It would deserve a high rating even if it hadn’t saved history at least twice. But it did, and that more than makes up for the puny brain.
It also liked to occasionally go to the mid-2020s to cut loose with some laser-disco and 3-D-printed sriracha-infused vodka Red Bulls.
Ironically, Manhattan Project scientists preferred Moscow Mules.