Tag Archives: extinct

Plesiosaur

I’d like to apologize for the extended holiday break the blog took. I hope I still remember how to do one of these. If I’m not mistaken, I start out by saying the name of the plesiosaur.

large_nicholson_plesiosaur.jpg

Then there’s probably a picture of it, but God only knows what this thing I write underneath it is for.

Special powers

Wait, hang on. This is too soon for this part. I think I describe it in general terms just a little bit. The plesiosaur is an enormous, extinct marine reptile. Many people incorrectly think it is a dinosaur, but although the plesiosaur passed the qualification exam, it never actually applied for its dinosaur license. It looks a lot like Nessie. Okay, that’s enough, right?

Special powers

The plesiosaur can swim. It can swim beautifully, in perfect sync with classical music.

Weaknesses

The plesiosaur is terrible at Simon. That wouldn’t normally be worth bringing up, but it plays Simon every single day and has never gotten even a little bit better. It’s baffling.

Number of legs

None? I doubt the flippers count.

Prize possession

The plesiosaur treasures the only scarf it could find that would fit its long, long neck: an infinity scarf. …Alright, what’s next?

What if it fought a bear?

Ugh, this again?

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

Do you remember what this bit is based on? Seems awfully arbitrary. It’s a living creature – or was, in this case. It seems crass to reduce it to a number.

 

7.5/10

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Terror bird

Terror bird

It is more properly known as the phorusrhacid, but those who met it[1] knew it by another name: terror bird.

artist's interpretation

Its mom called it Elroy (she always preferred its middle name).

Special powers

The terror bird walked South America millions of years ago on big ol’ talons. It stood two or three meters tall, making it a very big boy. It would grab prey in its huge beak and smash it against the ground until it would stop moving. This technique is practiced today by the roadrunner[2] and Rob Lowe.

This is the terror bird's skull next to some keys. Have fun thinking about how big this thing was!

This is the terror bird’s skull next to some keys. Have fun thinking about how big this thing was!

Oh, and also it instilled terror in its foes with its demonic powers it learned from a correspondence course.

Weaknesses

It couldn’t fly.

It also couldn’t look in a mirror without accidentally terrifying itself, so its wigs were frequently askew.

Number of legs

Two.

Who terrifies the terror bird?

I don’t know, God I guess.

Fierceness factor

100%.

Reason for extinction

Stunted too hard on a crotch rocket.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear has not often known fear, but the terror bird could fix that.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The terror bird lives up to its name just on pure physicality, before you factor in the dark arts. It just had terrible decision-making.

 

8.5/10

 

 

 

[1]And those who don’t have a trophy room dedicated to commemorating their spelling bee triumphs.

[2]“Meep meep” translates roughly to “My thirst for blood shall soon be slaked.”

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Stegosaurus

Stegosaurus

What killed the dinosaurs? Was it a Great Flood? Was it an Armageddon? Was it a Deep Impact? Was it a flap of Jeff Goldblum‘s wings? The answer, believe it or not, is tied to this week’s animal, our hundredth here at Rate Every Animal, the stegosaurus.

stegosaurus

Happy 100, everybody! Well, mostly me. I did it.

The stegosaurus died all those years back with the other dinosaurs, right? Well, yes and no. It did die in the past (hence the bones), but it did not originate there. The stegosaurus is from the future. It has traveled all around the timestream, but it spent a lot of its time in two eras in particular: the late Jurassic and the early 1940s.[1]

While in the ’40s, the stegosaurus befriended some scientists. It offered to assist them in developing something known as the Manhattan Project.[2] They needed a safe place to test their bomb. The stegosaurus died in an attempt to test the atomic bomb in an unpopulated area in the late Cretaceous – specifically Old Pterosaur Johnson‘s house while he was away on vacation. Obviously, the stegosaur had never heard the old time-traveler’s rhyme about transporting nuclear material through time outside of a protective aluminum package. Perhaps if it had a time-traveler role model to look up to, that role model could have taught the stegosaurus stuff like that.

Special powers

The stegosaurus has access to a time machine. It also has giant spiky plates coming out of its back and tail like some kinda Battlebot. The tail spikes are called the thagomizer, because of a cartoon Gary Larson made and it’s crap like this that makes weirdos believe scientists are just making things up as they go along.

The Far Side

“The fate of Thag Simmons notwithstanding, dinosaurs and humans did not exist in the same era,” Wikipedia helpfully adds.

Weaknesses

The stegosaurus might still be alive today/yesterday/tomorrow if not for its lack of a time-traveling mentor.

It also suffers from a famously tiny, tiny, barely-there brain. Less commented upon is its weak lungs, but the stegosaurus can’t go for fifteen minutes of physical activity without coming to a wheezy stop.

Number of legs

Four.

Drink of choice

3-D-printed sriracha-infused vodka Red Bull, or a Moscow Mule, depending on availability.

Notable accomplishments

Beyond helping the Manhattan Project along, the stegosaurus has also used its time-traveling ways to save Crimean War era Europe from the Cybermen, prevent the birth of Adolfina Hitler, win Card Sharks, give Thomas Dam the idea for troll dolls, and eat ferns from over 100 different centuries.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear would get thagomized.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The stegosaurus is a good dinosaur, despite being from the future. I mean, it spent most of its time among the dinosaurs; it acts like a dinosaur; it looks like a dinosaur – and a cool one, at that. I’m calling it a dinosaur.

It would deserve a high rating even if it hadn’t saved history at least twice. But it did, and that more than makes up for the puny brain.

 

9/10

 

 

 

[1]It also liked to occasionally go to the mid-2020s to cut loose with some laser-disco and 3-D-printed sriracha-infused vodka Red Bulls.

[2]Ironically, Manhattan Project scientists preferred Moscow Mules.

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Dodo

Dodo

One of the great mysteries of the animal kingdom is the dodo. It has been extinct for years, but we have learned about it through a number of clues left for future generations by the dodo before its death. Its legacy lives on in the elaborate coded prophecies and treasure locations it hid around the globe.

Dodo

“Hello! My wings are dumb and useless.”

In mid-2010, best-selling author Dan Brown and noted immortal Nicolas Cage teamed up to follow the trail of the dodo and uncover its secrets about 2012, the end-times, the location of the dodo’s gold bullion, the result of Super Bowl XVIII (less useful now that it would have been if Cage had started his search a few decades earlier), and an incredibly detailed description of Jonathan Lipnicki.*

Cage had to abandon the quest to begin principal photography on Season of the Witch. Brown continued to decode, until he finally came to a message that did not seem to lead to another clue. The final message? The number 58008. You’ll find it written all over the padded walls of Brown’s room if you visit him today. Careful, though; Danny bites.

Special powers

It would appear that the dodo had foreknowledge of its own demise, as well as a number of future events.

Weaknesses

Dead.

Number of legs

Two.

Wealth

The dodo came into a vast fortune of gold bullion after betraying its captain and its crew.

How was it remembered?

The dodo’s funeral was by the numbers smaller than Princess Diana’s or John F. Kennedy’s or Michael Jackson’s or the David Hasselhoff roast, but when you adjust for inflation, it becomes the most highly attended of them all.

What if it fought a bear?

It’s already dead, bear. Leave it alone.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The dodo was a devious backstabber, but it was also knowledgeable in many legitimate areas of expertise. Now it’s dead.

Hmm. This worries me. I see a bit of myself in the dodo. And I don’t like it.

If you’ll excuse me, I have some Krugerrands to move around.

 

5.5/10

 

 

*Or “He Who Will Come.” The dodo’s plot synopsis of The Little Vampire is spot-on, but its review is weirdly glowing.

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