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Leaf-rolling weevil

Leaf-rolling weevil

It has always been its passion, but leaf-rolling just wasn’t paying the bills for the leaf-rolling weevil. In this economy, there simply aren’t that many jobs for leaf-rollers.

leaf-rolling weevil seeks work

“Leaf-rolling? In THIS economy?” HR reps would say to it.

The leaf-rolling weevil tried adapting the principles of leaf-rolling to other seemingly related pursuits in the employ of the musician Snoop Dogg. It was fine for a while, but ultimately the leaf-rolling weevil felt wrong tainting the purity of leaf-rolling. This same concern also caused it to leave its position as origami instructor at the adult learning annex.

At this point, the leaf-rolling weevil went into a career totally separate from its passion: screenwriting. It is currently on staff at CBS’s “Under the Dome,” and continues to practice leaf-rolling as a hobby with the local leaf-rolling club.

Special powers

Obviously, it is the best at leaf-rolling. You might think you know someone better. You would be wrong.

It is far from the best, but it’s pretty decent at writing.

When riding a tiny weevil-sized motorcycle, it can totally pop a wheelie whenever it wants.

Weaknesses

The leaf-rolling weevil is a real blabbermouth when it drinks. I used this to my advantage on a night out with it to get the real scoop on upcoming “Under the Dome” plot points. Now most entertainment journalists[1] are short-sighted and only try to pry details about the next episode or season. All we have to do is wait a week or a few months and we’ll find that stuff out anyway! No, I shot much higher in my interview with the weevil and I got spoilers from Season Four of “Under the Dome.” Now that’s useful information! Now, without further ado, here are a handful of facts about Season 4 of the #1 dome-drama (or “domedy”) on television. SPOILERS AHOY!

  • The townspeople are upset to learn that dogs are free to move back and forth through the dome’s walls. “How did we not notice this before?” moans a flustered Dean Norris.
  • It will be discovered that the dome inside Mike Vogel‘s head was not planted there by the dome: Barbie has been a half-human half-dome hybrid the whole time!
  • The teens take up skateboarding up the walls of the dome, which they call “going full Bart.”
  • Panic sets in on the populace as the local diner runs out of bacon. The role of Panic is played by special guest star Harry Styles of One Direction!
  • Rachelle Lefevre, pregnant in 2016, will be shot hidden from the stomach down by a small dome.
  • A special flashback episode reveals that, ironically, every single character at some point in 2011 scoffed at the mere idea of domes.
  • Struggling to control the police force and volunteer army, sheriff Natalie Martinez clones herself to better cover the workload, only to discover wacky consequences!
  • The townspeople are forced to team up with the dome against a larger, more advanced dome.
  • The radio station starts a prank war with a stuffy public radio branch which begins operating across the street.
  • Can you say musical episode?!
  • The town of Chester’s Mill go on vacation to Disneyland Paris, only to find that the dome has booked the same trip! Special guest John Cleese.
  • Junior strings together a taunting message “UP YOURS, FUZZ” entirely out of the intestines of his victims. The homicide detective declares it “Classic Poe,” before revealing HIMSELF to be a secret member of Junior’s cult and killing a city council member (who is an even more secret member of Junior’s cult), only to be stopped by Barbie (who, in a twist, is revealed to be a sleeper agent of Junior’s cult, not even aware he’s a member).
  • After their thrilling escape, Dean Norris will realize that the entire town of Chester’s Mill has to go back… UNDER THE DOME!

Number of legs

Six.

Giraffe variety

There is a special kind of leaf-rolling weevil which has taken the giraffe as its hero and its moniker. The giraffe weevil emulates both the giraffe’s happy-go-lucky persona and its long delicate neck.

giraffe weevil

Both things come off a little forced.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear could snap its neck, giraffe-like or not.

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

I’ve derived great pleasure from this weevil’s leaf-rolling work, amateur or professional. All these Under the Dome Season 4 spoilers have just gotten me excited for Season 5![2] And I owe it all to the leaf-rolling weevil.

 

8.5/10

 

 

 

[1]Is that what this is?

[2]I hear we meet Barbie’s brother Skipper!

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