Tag Archives: enigma

Ogopogo

Ogopogo

“Live by the sword, die by the lake in the cabin you loved as a child that is now a great comfort in your old age.”

It’s as true today as it ever was. What the quote fails to mention is the mysterious animal inside the lake. If you plan to die in Kelowna, British Columbia, on the shores of Okanagan Lake, that animal is the ogopogo.

the handsome ogopogo

Lookin’ good, buddy!

The reclusive ogopogo does not often make itself known. For years at a time, all anyone will see from it is a couple logs it floats to the lake surface for funsies and the DVDs it’s returning to Redbox. It’s hard to know much of anything about this shy… sea serpent? Dinosaur? Gyarados?

Special powers

Whatever it is, the ogopogo is pretty great at hiding. And online chess.

Weaknesses

The ogopogo is much like other enigmatic lake creatures, in that it hates having its picture taken. It went to a party with a photobooth once and had a panic attack.

Those Redbox DVDs are late.

Number of legs

None.

Celebrity birthdays

The ogopogo shares a birthday with

  • Randy Haysbert[1]

  • George Railroad Martin, author of the Game of Thrones novelizations

  • The moon

What if it fought a bear?

The ogopogo would never show up to the weigh-in, with all those press photographers.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

It’s not easy to rate the ogopogo, given how little we know about it. We can make guesses about it based on the fact that it’s Canadian, like that it cares too much about hockey and uses colorful bills with loons and Geddy Lee or whoever on them as currency. None of these foibles are sufficient to drag this gentle sea beast down the ratings by much.

 

8/10

 

 

 

[1]For every Dennis, there is an equal and opposing Randy. The Quaids are the coin for which we know both sides, but there is also Randy Hopper, Randy Rodman and Macho Man Dennis Savage, for example.

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Mantis shrimp

Mantis shrimp

Welcome to the second post of Shrimp Week here at Rate Every Animal. Shockingly, today’s subject (the mantis shrimp) is not a shrimp at all. Nor is it even a mantis.

Q: But… But what is it then?

A: Great question.

Q: You’re too kind. I do what I can.

A: I just recognize excellence when I see it. But more to the topic at hand, the mantis shrimp can be best categorized as an alien.

Mantis shrimp

“This planet will suit my purposes.”

We do not know what planet spawned it, nor why the mantis shrimp came to our oceans.

Q: What do we know?

A: Dang it you, get out of here. We know is that it has been here for years; it is a formidable foe; and it has been building.

Special powers

The mantis shrimp is the proud owner of the world’s fastest punch. It can throw its claws at such speeds that its targets literally explode. The only terrestrial beast to achieve this technique is the pistol shrimp, and even it is only a brown belt compared to the mantis shrimp’s complete mastery.*

Weaknesses

It is also the proud owner of the world’s most extensive New Kids on the Block collection. This of course includes their entire discography on all available formats, but it also extends to posters, backpacks, mugs, themed humidors, faux license plates, commemorative pepper sprays and convincing Donnie Wahlberg masks. Oddly, and for its own reasons, the mantis shrimp does not recognize NKOTBSB.

Mantis shrimp as Donnie Wahlberg

The mantis shrimp wearing one of its prize possessions.

Number of legs

STILL UNKNOWN.

Inscrutability

Science has attempted for years to scrute the mantis shrimp’s intentions, but it cannot be scruted. The mantis shrimp’s alien mind is, like its number of legs, ultimately unknowable.

What is it building?

Sweet Christmas I hope it’s not something to destroy us.

What if it fought a bear?

Assuming the bear is not one of the Knight brothers,** the mantis shrimp would punch the bear so hard it blows up.

Is it noble?

It is beyond our small human conceptions of nobility.

Final rating

Please, mantis shrimp. Please have mercy on us.

Heaven help us, if you come at us, we will start offing New Kids on the Block.

 

8/10

 

 

*The mantis shrimp’s belt color is a secret higher level – the name of which only black belts can even know.

**For a list of other famous people who are bears, please see my future bear post.

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