Dog (part two)
PREVIOUSLY ON RATE EVERY ANIMAL…
The dog doesn’t make a lick of sense… Double Dare hosted by Marc Summers… we have to find Habib Marwan… tossed salad and scrambled eggs… “I’ll break your legs!”… Is it noble?
WE NOW RETURN TO YOUR DOG REVIEW ALREADY IN PROGRESS…
Is it noble?
The dog is one of the most diverse of all animals. There are many, many breeds, and each of them is very distinct. Let me just run down some of the highlights.
Saint Bernard: We begin with the Saint Bernard. This dog specializes in rescuing mountain-climbers in the Alps and being an alcoholic. It’s rarely seen in public without a small flask of brandy around its neck. Notable Saint Bernards include Cujo the criminally insane and Ludwig van Beethoven, the composer.
Whippet: This breed was so loved by Devo co-founder Mark Mothersbaugh that he penned a song about it, titled “Jocko Homo.” It is best known today for its refrain “Are we not men? / No, we are beautiful dogs.”
Poodle: The poodle is banned from China for life.
Labradoodle: The labradoodle is a chimera. It pretends not to breathe fire, but it’s just an act to make humanity less uncomfortable with its existence.
Irish wolfhound: If you see this huge breed in the wild, trace its steps back to the rainbow from which it originated and you will be granted a wish, as long as your wish falls within the category of “potatoes and potato-based products.”
Golden receiver: The breed of Air Bud and all Air Buddies, this dog is gifted with incredible athletic prowess. A loophole in the U.S. constitution allowed it to serve as the 35th vice president from 1949 to 1953. “Air” Force One was named in its honor.
Boxer: It was just a nobody until it took a shot and challenged Apollo Creed.
A true American hero.
Doberman pinscher: This dog was developed by German scientists to be the ultimate “uberhund” or “super-dog,” so that no weaker dogs would dare challenge its iron-pawed rule.
Miniature pinscher: This small dog was developed by little German scientists to be the ultimate little “kleinuberhund” or “wee super-dog,” so that no weaker dogs (tiny category) would dare challenge its itty-bitty iron-pawed rule.
Newfoundland: A country.
Chihuahua: The chihuahua must weigh in at six pounds or less to meet its breed standards. However, it also craves the delicious “Mexican” delights peddled by Taco Bell every Fourthmeal, like clockwork. Like the work of a fat, Dorito-dust-covered clock. This inherent dichotomy leads to widespread bulimia among the chihuahua’s ranks.
Bloodhound: Taking the dog’s special power of keen sense of smell to new heights, the bloodhound can track the vaguest hint of a trail for miles. It also possesses deeper, subtler reserves of hate than any of its canine brothers.
Kromfohrländer: The canine harbinger of Ragnarök, the events which will kill the gods and drown the world in water.
Redbone coonhound: The greatest blues musician of all breeds, Redbone tragically died of a heroin overdose just four years and seventeen albums into its career.
Great Dane: The Great Dane is a massive beast of a dog. It counts among its number Marmaduke, who is literally a beast – of Hell; Astro and Scooby-Doo, the most eloquent of all dogs (not that that’s saying much); and Claire Danes, who – haunted by the ghost of her father the king – murdered Claudius.
Lesser Dane: Like the Great Dane, but less so.
Sucky Dane: A real bummer of a dog. A total schlemiel. Notable Sucky Danes include Marmaserf and Scooby-Poo.
Bull terrier: Though it was originally designed by H. R. Giger not to have any eyes at all, they were added to the bull terrier’s face when initial test screenings yielded questionnaires which frequently used the words “nightmare” and “hellborn.”
Lassie dog: The kind of dog Lassie is.
German Shepherd: The policeman of the dog world, and the police dog of man’s world. The German shepherd takes extremely well to advanced training in order to arrest suspects, search for drugs, defuse bombs, and test for semen at the crime scene. The only catch is that to instruct it, a trainer must learn a perhaps uncomfortable number of phrases from Mein Kampf.
Austrian Stockbroker: Kind of like the German shepherd, but less good with sheep and criminals and better with numbers. Arnold Schwarzenegger has owned three Austrian stockbrokers, each stronger than the last.
Papillon: Steve McQueen’s brain was cloned into a butterfly, and mankind mistook it for a dog.
Bulldog: Completely separate from both the bull terrier, unrelated to the bull, and even distinct from the fidominotaur, the bulldog is just a stocky, wrinkly straight-up canine with a wicked underbite and a wickeder distrust of dental surgery. It snores.
Caucasian shepherd dog: A racist.
Pharaoh hound: The pharaoh hound can be recognized by the tattered ancient bandages trailing from it, its glowing yellow eyes, and the cortege of scarabs attending to it. Petting it is the Number 3 way of getting cursed in the world today.
Dalmatian: Most firefighters won’t admit this if you ask them, but the dalmatian is the only one who knows how to drive the fire engine. Many departments keep an extra one on hand just to ride in the back so people won’t think to look for the one in the driver’s seat. But it’s there.
Weiner dog: The best dog of all, according to God’s message left on the golden plates found by Joseph Smith. Which, I mean, believe what you want, but come on. Better than the corgi?
Look at this mother f***er.
Even with the extended length afforded me by this two-part extravaganza, I still haven’t had space to cover all the many facets of the dog. With this much diversity, there’s something for every one. It is truly a great animal, albeit kind of a clingy one.
Disclaimer: Not an actual saint.
It took the name Alben W. Barkley, but come on. “Barkley”?
Half-bull, half-man, half-dog, all cop.
Data from Nov. 2010- Nov. 2011.