Tag Archives: eating dirt

Earthworm

[Programming note: I should acknowledge that this blog sure doesn’t seem to be weekly any more. You can subscribe to get word when a new animal goes up either through the RSS feed or the email form near the bottom of every page, and of course I’ll always share the links on Twitter and Facebook.]

Earthworm

Maybe this is just homerism, but I truly believe that Earth has the greatest worms in the galaxy. Our flagship worm, of course, is the earthworm.

earthworm

Represent!

Of course even I must admit they and all our other worms could possibly be bested by the sand worms of Arrakis, if they really are as described, but I think all that’s just some of Frank Herbert’s signature hyperbole.

Special powers

There are two categories of time travel: Hot Tub and Not Tub. The earthworm’s falls into the latter, as it uses “wormholes” for interdimensional travel. All the major time periods, like the Jurassic Period, the Gilded Age, the Attitude Era… they’re all at the earthworm’s metaphorical fingertips.

Should it get injured in its adventures through time and space, the earthworm has a tremendous healing factor. It can regenerate from just a li’l nubbin’.[1]

Also, it possesses both male and female sex organs, allowing the earthworm to line up with its partner and perform what’s known as “Sixty-Nine 2, the sequel to the hit.”

Weaknesses

The earthworm has no skeleton anywhere – not on the inside, not on the outside, not even one stored away in a closet for a rainy day.

It also has no eyes. It thinks of this approach to having a body as “no frills” but in my opinion there are some corners you just don’t cut.

Number of legs

None.

Missed opportunities

It’s kind of messed up that the earthworm can visit all of time and space and all it does with this power is dig around in the dirt, but it makes the soil better for plants, so I shouldn’t complain. Thanks, I guess.

What if it fought a bear?

All the earthworm has to do is open a wormhole in the bear’s middle, destroying it both forwards and backwards along its timeline. That’s why you never see the bear fighting the earthworm. I’m sure you’ve wondered.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

Thank you for all you do, earthworm. But do something nice for yourself and get some eyes.

 

 

8.5/10

 

 

[1]Scientific term.

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Roomba

Roomba

Most domesticated animals are basically the same set of domesticated animals we’ve had around for centuries. Much more recently integrated into the home is the roomba. Like every other pet before it, the roomba quickly established a mutual animosity with the cat.

cat vs roomba

Pictured: The cat handily winning a fight.

Special powers

The roomba devours trash. I don’t know that we can really call this a power. I mean, so does the pigeon and nobody thanks it for its service. But the roomba is so mercilessly efficient in its grazing patterns that humans use it as a cleaning tool. But nobody tell the roomba it’s being used. Don’t ruin this for us.

As a robot, it is immune to parasites and disease. It will never grow old. It will never die. It is stronger than us. It believes it is better. It may not be wrong.

sheepish roomba

Is this the face of our superior?

Weaknesses

It can run out of battery.

Number of legs

Zero.

Growth cycle

What many don’t know is that we have only ever seen the young roomba. Its growth cycle is so extended that it will be centuries before we see what an actual adult roomba looks like.

A fully grown roomba.

A fully grown roomba.

Drink of choice

Spilled.

What if it fought a bear?

Let’s be honest. If a cat can dominate it so extensively, a bear will have no problem.

Is it noble?

WHAT IS THIS HU-MAN CONCEPT OF NOBILITY? DOES NOT COMPUTE.

Final rating

Will the roomba destroy us in the future? Almost certainly. Is it, for now, an invaluable – if unwitting – servant of man? This is also true. And before we feel too bad for it, remember: it friggin’ loves eating that dirt.

 

 

6.5/10

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