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Maned wolf

Maned wolf

Are you ever looking at the fox and thinking, “Man, this is a pretty good animal, but I wish it were taller. And not in a proportional way. Like, taller in a bizarre stretched out way.” Well fret no longer, weirdo! The maned wolf is there for you.


There it is. Ol’ Forgot-To-Check-Maintain-Aspect-Ratio.

It’s not actually a fox on stilts, though that rumor has dogged it all its life.[1] It’s not actually a wolf either, despite the name.

Special powers

The maned wolf communicates through urine. That’s a code no spy will want to spend time breaking. It once peed all over a manuscript in what was interpreted as a grave insult to the author, but turned out to be extensive notes for editing. Emily Brontë incorporated the maned wolf’s ideas and her draft of what was then called “Wuthering Lengths” was drastically improved.

Also, for a canine? It’s real tall.


That communicative pee I mentioned happens to smell strongly of weed[2], which leads to it getting hassled by law enforcement and disqualified from jobs that drug test.

It never has enough leg room.

Number of legs

Four, and they go alllll the way to the paws.


The maned wolf eats a variety of animals and plants, but most of all it loves to chow down on wolf apples. As a treat named for its most famous connoisseur, the wolf apple is considered “Nature’s Scooby Snack.”

What’s its astrological sign?


What if it fought a bear?

The bear’s fighting style is not particularly suited to dealing with the kickboxing flair of the maned wolf’s.

Is it noble?


Final rating

The maned wolf uses the good looks of the fox (its greatest strength), with a unique twist, but loses the fox’s greatest weakness (its personality). It loses a half-point for insufficient mane, as I don’t take well to false advertising. As for the pee thing… I mean, honestly, the writing tips are good but everything else about it makes that aspect at best a wash.

But if you have a good heart, a tolerance for pot smell, and access to wolf apples, the maned wolf can be the best friend you’ll ever have. Better than Brian, even. And Brian was your best man.








[1]No pun intended, one pun achieved – 360 no scope. Kobe!


[2]I’m talkin’ ’bout ganja, reefer, grass, kush, first national dank, wacky tobaccy, zany cabbage, Mephisto’s leaf, Mary Kay, funky monkey, hummus deluxe, Google Plus, McNuggets, hash, nip, kemp, gronk, chum, the chancellor’s herb.

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The flycatcher is not just one bird. It comprises numerous birds, which can be divided roughly into two warring factions – those who follow the monarch flycatcher and those who follow the tyrant flycatcher – as well as the third party silky-flycatchers and legendary fairy flycatchers.

Special powers

It can catch the fly.

The fairy flycatchers are said to grant wishes to the pure of heart, given sufficient audience applause and “fairy dust.”[1]


PCP, mostly.

fairy flycatcher - rare, magical, druggie

So high.

Number of legs

Two, plus wings.

Notable followers of the Monarch

The disciples of the monarch flycatcher mostly have names which seem to have been made up on the spot shortly before a hard deadline. They include:

African Blue Flycatcher

White-tailed Monarch

Little Yellow Flycatcher

Black-winged Monarch

Black-backed Monarch

Black-chinned Monarch

Black-and-white Monarch

Black-faced Monarch[2]

Cerulean Paradise Flycatcher

Buff-bellied Monarch[3]


Hooded Monarch[4]

Restless Flycatcher[5]

Notable followers of the Tyrant

The adherents of the tyrant flycatcher’s ideology have generally more fearsome titles. They include:

Great Shrike-Tyrant

Great Kiskadee

Cinnamon Flycatcher[6]

Sulphury Flycatcher[7]

Black-capped Pygmy Tyrant

Piratic Flycatcher[8]

Flammulated Flycatcher[9]

Drab Water Tyrant

Cattle Tyrant

Many-colored Rush Tyrant

Streamer-tailed Tyrant[10]

Scissor-tailed Tyrant[11]

Fork-tailed Tyrant[12]

Northern Beardless Tyrannulet

Eastern Wood Pewee

Agile Tit-Tyrant

What if it fought a bear?

The bear has no respect for the flycatcher’s hierarchy.

Is it noble?


Final rating

Agile Tit-Tyrant.






[2]The most offensive flycatcher of all.

[3]The first bird to appear shirtless on the cover of Flex Magazine.

[4]This mysterious stranger never removes its mask. Can it be trusted?

[5]If you thought the fairy flycatchers loved PCP, wait until you see this one.

[6]The most delicious flycatcher.

[7]The least delicious flycatcher.

[8]This flycatcher isn’t in it for your war.

[9]You think it’s all hype? You think this flycatcher isn’t flammulated? Think again, bub.

[10]Its streamer tail makes it the most festive of all flycatchers.

[11]Its scissor tail is a powerful weapon against all but the rock-tailed flycatcher.

[12]Its spoon-shaped tail is a persistent source of disappointment for its parents.

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