Tag Archives: draft day

Nyala

Nyala

The NFL draft is this week. It’s a fabulous event, often considered “the Super Bowl of the NFL.” Teams will have a lot of tough decisions to make over the course of the three days of the NFL draft, as recently dramatized in the Kevin Costner film “Three Days To Kill.”

DRAFT DAY

What does all this have to do with the nyala?

Special powers

Well, the nyala is a draft expert.

Unlike most other draft experts, the male nyala has large twisted horns.

It has glands on its feet, leaving its scent where it walks. Most draft experts have these.

Weaknesses

Because of those glands, the nyala is a remarkably easy fugitive to track and a remarkably poor hide-and-seek competitor.

The nyala just generally has entirely too much going on, aesthetically.

This friggin' guy. Source: https://www.flickr.com/photos/arnolouise/3104729822/in/photostream/

This friggin’ guy.
Source

We’ve got spiral horns, big ears, shaggy hair on the neck, belly, and upper back legs but nowhere else, yellow-orange below the knee, white stripes AND facial markings… The nyala is distinctly over-accessorized.

Number of legs

Four.

Sample wisdom of the nyala

Another year, another exciting draft! Get your giant whiteboard, popcorn, and adult diaper ready now, ’cause you won’t want to miss a moment! But for those of you who haven’t followed my previous posts and scent messages, here’s a quick and dirty overview of what to watch for. Our sources indicate that as many as nineteen players could be selected to advance to the pros this year, so there’s a lot to keep track of. Let’s get started.

Top AAA+ Choices Good Job
Jadeveon Clowney (DE, South Carolina): If he’s anything like his future self who came back to the present to warn us of the error of our ways, Clowney will grow into a superb defensive player wholly unaffected by the nanoplague. Good hump moves on the deep web.
Darqueze Dennard (CB, Michigan State): Found extra gears on my cousin’s ATV. Gets in opposing player’s heads on the click-and-drag. Does up-close magic every brunch.
Khalil Mack (OLB, Buffalo): “Return of the Mack” was written about him. An easy merchandising opportunity since he has his own interactive webseries.
Sammy Watkins (WR, Clemson): My man on the inside discovered a tattoo reading REMEMBER SAMMY WATKINS on his body that he has no memory receiving.
Teddy Bridgewater (QB, Louisville): In practice, twirls his mustache and laughs like “Gr-r-ra-ha-ha-ha!”

Dark Horse Picks
Jackson Jeffcoat (DE, Texas): Appeared to sometimes underperform due to the heavy chains he wears around his body, but would instantly improve if persuaded to get rid of them.
Quincy Enunwa (WR, Nebraska): Undersized, but makes up for it in character. Could be for football what Mother Theresa was to racquetball.
Willie Snead (WR, Ball State): Runs routes like Sunday’s a Friday and the post office had a birthday party. Could be picked up for a song in a late round – specifically “Brandy (You’re A Fine Girl)” by Looking Glass.
Aaron Donald (DT, Pittsburgh): A lot of bang for your buck with two first names for the price of one. Rumor is he loves Judy as more than a friend.
Boseko Lokombo (OLB, Oregon): Scouts say he could outrun a husky and outsmart a husky who’s had some college. A real gumbo-chewer on the field.
Ha’Sean “Ha Ha” Clinton-Dix (FS, Alabama): Tall-hipped. A worthy pick for ironic jersey sales alone.

Bust to the Future (in the Future, they will have been busts)
Kerry Wynn (DT, Richmond): Ironically, picking “Wynn” will make you “lyosse.”
C.J. Mosley (ILB, Alabama): My sources tell me Mosley is afraid of the dark, making him a liability getting to the stadium for night games.
Demetri Goodson (CB, Baylor): There are questions about his football knowledge, such as “Has he heard of it?”
Bradley Roby (CB, Ohio State): Could stand to iron out his pedal and jimmy up his grind belts. Refers to the ball as “my friend, the constable” and only drinks iced milk on the sideline.
Blake Bortles (QB, Central Florida): Slam jumpers need work and petunias are left unguarded. Sometimes weak in the phalanges.

What if it fought a bear?

The nyala has reports on all the bear’s weaknesses from the combine.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The nyala’s sports reporting is, frankly, incomprehensible speculation.

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4/10

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