Tag Archives: dirty

Earthworm

[Programming note: I should acknowledge that this blog sure doesn’t seem to be weekly any more. You can subscribe to get word when a new animal goes up either through the RSS feed or the email form near the bottom of every page, and of course I’ll always share the links on Twitter and Facebook.]

Earthworm

Maybe this is just homerism, but I truly believe that Earth has the greatest worms in the galaxy. Our flagship worm, of course, is the earthworm.

earthworm

Represent!

Of course even I must admit they and all our other worms could possibly be bested by the sand worms of Arrakis, if they really are as described, but I think all that’s just some of Frank Herbert’s signature hyperbole.

Special powers

There are two categories of time travel: Hot Tub and Not Tub. The earthworm’s falls into the latter, as it uses “wormholes” for interdimensional travel. All the major time periods, like the Jurassic Period, the Gilded Age, the Attitude Era… they’re all at the earthworm’s metaphorical fingertips.

Should it get injured in its adventures through time and space, the earthworm has a tremendous healing factor. It can regenerate from just a li’l nubbin’.[1]

Also, it possesses both male and female sex organs, allowing the earthworm to line up with its partner and perform what’s known as “Sixty-Nine 2, the sequel to the hit.”

Weaknesses

The earthworm has no skeleton anywhere – not on the inside, not on the outside, not even one stored away in a closet for a rainy day.

It also has no eyes. It thinks of this approach to having a body as “no frills” but in my opinion there are some corners you just don’t cut.

Number of legs

None.

Missed opportunities

It’s kind of messed up that the earthworm can visit all of time and space and all it does with this power is dig around in the dirt, but it makes the soil better for plants, so I shouldn’t complain. Thanks, I guess.

What if it fought a bear?

All the earthworm has to do is open a wormhole in the bear’s middle, destroying it both forwards and backwards along its timeline. That’s why you never see the bear fighting the earthworm. I’m sure you’ve wondered.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

Thank you for all you do, earthworm. But do something nice for yourself and get some eyes.

 

 

8.5/10

 

 

[1]Scientific term.

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Pig

Pig

It’s said that the pig is a dirty animal but you may be surprised to learn that in fact it wallows in filth. It’s true; ask any swineherd. It’s a stubby, fat creature that takes in garbage and turns it into pork chops.

A future tenderloin dreams.

Special powers

The pig has a special relationship with the truffle, a fungus that some people actually eat. It can seek out these mushrooms by smell, which makes it perfectly suited to ruin fancy truffle parties.

It is also particularly prone to exhibiting the X-gene (see Notable mutant pigs) and has military applications (see Military usage).

Weaknesses

Its four short legs.

Number of legs

Four.

Military usage

In order to counter the use of war elephants and war truffles, the Roman Empire began drafting and training war pigs. These creatures would run into the enemy ranks to alarm and disrupt the elephants and devour the truffles. It was honestly a real hoot from the pig’s perspective. Ancient history buffs Black Sabbath immortalized the practice in song.

War pigs fell out of vogue when the measures they were meant to counter did. However, centuries later, they became central in a very different conflict. The Pig War was a tense period in 1859 in which the United States and Britain disagreed over the ownership of San Juan Island, which sits between Canada and the state of Washington. Both sides dispatched pig forces to the island, but they mostly just played with each other and rooted around in the mud. To this day, San Juan is inhabited and governed by the pig.

Notable mutant pigs

King Neptune was a pig born with an active X-gene, who regenerated entire body parts when they were removed. In the 1940s, King Neptune* was taken on tour around the state of Illinois and auctioned off piecemeal over and over, growing back between events whatever had been sold, all to raise money for the Navy.

Hogzilla was a feral boar so named because he resembled a bipedal dinosaur, had the power of atomic breath, and hated scale models of Tokyo.

Toby the Sapient Pig was one of the Learned Pigs, a high-functioning porcine with the ability to reason. Toby could solve problems of arithmetic. Toby could tell the hour of the day regardless of the sun’s visibility. Toby could best both poor and average checkers players. Toby could spell nearly any English word, many Latin phrases, and exactly one German one (“Rache”). The claims that Toby could read women’s minds were a bit of charlatanry on the part of his owners.

If he’s psychic, where’s his third eye? Dummies.

Ace, great-grandson of Babe.

Wilbur was a runt who dissociated from reality in the trauma of imminent slaughter, and created a second personality known as “Charlotte.” He was spared, but lived the rest of his life completely mad. Also, he had spinnerets.

This week in Wikipedia quotes in which Rupert Grint is a taste-maker

Miniature pigs, also “called micro or teacup pigs, which are specifically bred to be small (from 29–65 lbs) gained in popularity in late 2009 after several mainstream press articles claimed they were a popular pet to celebrities such as Rupert Grint of Harry Potter fame.[16]

What if it fought a bear?

The pig in question fighting a bear is the process that distinguishes “apple-smoked” bacon.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The pig is a disgusting animal, but we can learn some very valuable lessons from it. Not only that, we can cut some very valuable cutlets out of it. Man am I hungry.

 

9/10

 

 

 

*Not actual royalty.

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