Tag Archives: dark matter

Flamingo

Flamingo

The flamingo: It’s not just a lawn ornament any more!

pink plastic flamingo

I mean, it’s still a lawn ornament. But it’s a bird too now.

In both statue and animal form, the flamingo enjoys nothing more than standing on one leg and tucking the other away. Not even Jenga. And it loves Jenga.

Special powers

It’s good at Jenga.

Like the rock pigeon, the flamingo produces crop milk. Flamingo crop milk is even more potent than the pigeon variety. It’s available only in secret backrooms of Tunisian hookah bars, where it is sold to those for whom gambling and opiates have lost their thrill.

Weaknesses

Sometimes it is a lawn ornament.

Number of legs

Two. Wings are also involved.

Diet

The flamingo gains its distinctive pink color from feeding on algae, brine shrimp and a certain flavor of lemonade (blue raspberry). If, for some reason, it changes its diet, the flamingo’s color will change accordingly. Consult this handy chart.

Color                                   Diet

Pink                                      Algae, brine shrimp, blue raspberry lemonade

Yellow                                   Popcorn shrimp, kale, pink lemonade

Silver                                    Spinach, beef, red wine

Navy blue                              Baconator with Arby’s Sauce, sweet potato fries and Baja Blast[1]

Turquoise                              Tangerines

Tangerine                              Olives

Olive                                     Mangos

Black                                    Dark matter

Orange w/ black stripes          N/A. Not a flamingo. May be a tiger.

flamingo

Does it look like this? Or does it look like a big stripey cat?

What if it fought a bear?

The bear is mighty, but might will not give it the ability to kill a lawn ornament. That remains impossible.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The flamingo will never die. Flamingo forever. Forever and ever the flamingo.

 

9/10

 

 

[1]#Supperjumpin

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Honey badger

Honey badger

(This is my first request post. If you have an animal you’d like to see rated, comment the blog or tweet me @nscranor or send me a missive by Pony Express. I’ll try to work it in maybe.)

Look, let’s get one thing straight. The honey badger is hard. I mean this in the sense of “tough,” but I also mean it in that the honey badger is made largely of dark matter. Its surface is cool and frictionless.

As to the former meaning, the honey badger will take on bees, snakes – regardless of size or venom – tortoises, human dictators, hyenas or even the hippo. It’s not that the honey badger has something to prove; it just wants what it wants and will stone cold murder anyone at all that may be an obstacle.

Special powers

The honey badger is a defensive powerhouse. It is super-dense and nearly impervious. It also boasts some pretty decent claws.

Weaknesses

There are only a few accessible joints in the honey badger’s armor-flesh, and only the one at its neck is large enough to be conveniently exploited. If you want to kill the honey badger, you better bring a shotgun and you better be ready to use it at close range.

Omar

“You come at the king, you best not miss.”

Number of legs

Four.

Impact on history

The honey badger assassinated Saddam Hussein in his cell. Rather than admit inability to protect their most valuable prisoner, the interim Iraqi government hanged a convincing life-size doll.

Horrifying Wikipedia quotes

“The honey badger possesses an anal pouch which, unusually among mustelids, is reversible, a trait shared with hyenas. The smell of the pouch is reportedly ‘suffocating’”

“When mating, males emit loud grunting sounds.[4]

Is it noble?

No.

What if it fought a bear?

The honey badger would just lie down, scrunch up its neck, and wait it out. Heck, while the bear attacks it, the honey badger might just straight up take a nap.

Final rating

Look, nothing we can say about the honey badger is going to change anything. The honey badger does what it does and nothing can stop it.

9/10

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