Tag Archives: cute

Quokka

Quokka

The quokka is the happiest, goest, and luckiest animal this side of the giraffe.

And it's easy to tell. [Pic Mogens Johansen, The West Australian 6/08/13]

And it’s easy to tell.
[Pic Mogens Johansen, The West Australian 6/08/13]

Special powers

The quokka has no fear of humans.

Weaknesses

The quokka has no fear of humans.

quokka3Number of legs

Four.

History

The quokka was one of the first Australian animals that Europeans encountered. They mistook it variously for a cat or a big rat. They had no idea the weirdness they were in for. The quokka is an introductory course compared to the other stuff Australia has to offer.

Do I own a Beanie Baby of it?

I wish.

What if it fought a bear?

It would likely be just as delighted with this development as the last.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

Look at that face.

Who can say “any lower than 6/10” to that face?

Who can say “any lower than 6/10” to that face?

 

8.5/10

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Giant huntsman spider

Giant huntsman spider

The giant huntsman spider is the largest spider in the world by leg-span (although there is another that is larger by mass). Its leg-span is twelve inches, which you may know as “a foot.” Like fellow oversized creatures Marmaduke and Beethoven, the giant huntsman spider is a scamp who’s constantly getting into adorable hijinks that fluster Charles Grodin.

what a darling

Aww, he thinks he’s people!

For example, the giant huntsman spider will come running with all eight legs pounding against the floor to tackle its adoptive family members when they arrive home. It’s just so happy to see them! And the feeling is mutual, though they’d prefer if the giant huntsman spider wouldn’t track in so much mud.

Special powers

The end of the workday isn’t the only time the giant huntsman spider shows its loyalty in a way that’s both endearing and exasperating. Consider also it sitting at the foot of your bed as you sleep, staring with its many eyes – waiting patiently for you to begin the morning. Such a good boy, but let me sleep in, buddy!

Weaknesses

Sometimes the giant huntsman spider’s cute antics can cost those around it, like when it got so excited on Thanksgiving and spilled the turkey on the floor or the time it dumped out Grandma’s urn to make its pentagram on the floor for The Ritual or when it ran between everyone’s legs and caused the constable to lose balance.

silly billy

Oh, giant huntsman spider, when will you learn you’re not a wee spiderling any more?

The giant huntsman spider can get so ornery when it wants treats.

Number of legs

Eight.

Political connections

The giant huntsman spider’s brother once ran for president.

What if it fought a bear?

The giant huntsman spider gave the bear a friendly hug as it’s so well-equipped to do. The next morning, the bear found a black spot on its paw. Three days later, it committed suicide. It’s a tragic story, but at least it got a little comfort from the giant huntsman spider before it went.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

Oh, giant huntsman spider! I can’t stay mad at that face!

goochie goochie goo

Come down from up there, you mischief-maker!

 

9/10

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Red panda

Red panda

What is the red panda? Is it a panda? No. Is it a cat? No. Is it a Communist? No. Well, there was a phase in sophomore year of college, first semester, when it thought it was a Communist, but it turns out the red panda did not really understand what that entails. It is in fact this kind of identity confusion that ends up defining this animal.

Red panda

Is this a raccoon?

We can rule out the red panda being a raccoon because its eyes do not glow like the devil (one of the attributes critical to being a raccoon). We can rule out it being a weasel, because – even for all its pretension – it has good intentions. We can rule out it being a fox, because it does not suffer from any clinical mental illness. We can also rule out it being ugly because it is in serious contention for the Cutest Thing Prize, awarded for achievements in being the cutest thing alive.

Special powers

Cuteness.

And although we primates like to think we have the monopoly on them, the red panda has secret thumbs. They are usually kept hidden, but extend when the red panda needs to operate tools, type missives, or exchange high fives.

Weaknesses

The red panda has a tendency to think it’s the smartest animal in the room and get really into whatever philosophy it read about most recently. If you’ve ever been cornered by the red panda at a party, you’ve had to listen to it explain just why you should vote for a particular semi-obscure candidate – or at some points in the year, why voting is just another system of control for the Bilderberg.

Number of legs

Four, but beware: some of them have secret thumbs! (see Special powers)

Diet

The red panda eats primarily bamboo or bamboo lite, depending on availability and how recent New Year’s was. However, unlike the black-and-white panda, it is willing to expand its palate if offered other foods. It just chooses not to support the food-that-isn’t-bamboo industry with its own money.

Red panda eating

“You vote with your dollar.”

What if it fought a bear?

Look at that little guy. Not even a bear could ever hurt it.

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

The red panda isn’t the best conversationalist one could ask for, but it’s also really quite nice and just so cute. Aren’t you? Yes you are! Yes you are! What’s that, little guy? Oh, uh, no, please, tell me why you’re back on the Ron Paul train again.

 

8/10

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Dik-dik

Dik-dik

In the Venn diagram between the antelope and the rabbit, the creature in the overlap area is the dik-dik. It combines the look of the antelope with the size and adorable hops of the rabbit.

Dik-dik

So cute.

Yes, but how did the dik-dik get so cute? It appears scientifically impossible. In this case, appearances do not deceive, as the dik-dik got so cute not through science, but sorcery. In the year 1892, the dik-dik was just as large as its antelope brothers, until it was stricken by a gypsy curse. The gypsies were actually not even aiming for the dik-dik, who had done nothing wrong, but was caught in the crossfire.

The gypsies’ true target.

Special powers

The dik-dik is notorious for emitting a high-pitched alarm that alerts all around it to the presence of predators. Basically, it is a snitch.

Weaknesses

Inability to keep a secret. Many scientists consider this to be the main reason that the dik-dik is not a very good friend.

Number of legs

Four.

Number of stomachs

Seven.

Do I own a Beanie Baby of it?

Oh man how cute would that be?

What if it fought a bear?

Snitches get stitches.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Other than its snitching tendencies, the dik-dik is just really so nice. While I feel bad that it did not deserve its gypsy curse, the result is absolutely adorable. Then again, snitches get sixes.

 

6/10

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