Tag Archives: certified rotten

Blister beetle

Blister beetle

Only one animal was used in the creation of the world’s first stink bomb, and it wasn’t the skunk despite what it claims. It was the blister beetle, a.k.a. Spanish fly, a.k.a. Boss.[1]

Special powers

The blister beetle secretes cantharidin, a poison that causes blisters.

Weaknesses

It secretes cantharidin because it has no conscience and doesn’t care who it hurts.

Number of legs

Six.

Nemeses

The blister beetle has no enemies any more than it has friends. We are all just objects to its mind.

sociopath

Sociopath.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear hates blisters. It won’t bother with this beetle.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The blister beetle may feel nothing for or against me, but I consider this sociopath my foe.

 

 

1/10

 

 

 

[1]It is called this by every single customer-facing male employee it meets. Even the judge at the blister beetle’s arraignment called it that.

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Silverfish

Silverfish

This animal, this silverfish, is the worst thing to ever be made of silver. Most of the time something is only made out of silver if it really seems worth making. That calculus never entered into the creation of the silverfish.

Special powers

It’s not all bad, of course. Being made of metal, it is one of the most durable insects around. And it’s good with cross-stitch.

Weaknesses

The silverfish is a commitment-phobe and social coward. Science has studied its methods for avoiding obligations of friendships and ending relationships entirely, and discovered another fifty ways to leave one’s lover, in addition to the first set enumerated by Dr. Paul Simon. Some of these new entries include:

1. Text her, Dexter

2. Start a G-chat, Matt

3. Hit unfollow, Waldo

4. Call a conference, Hortense

5. Make up a story, Corey

6. Pretend you’re sick, Nick

7. Take the fire escape, Snape

8. Resort to defenestration, Nathan

9. Use a decoy, Troy

10. Fake your own death, Beth

11. Tie hundreds of balloons to your pants, Lance

12. Hide in the trash, Ash

13. Become a hobo, Joe

14. Be a huge jerk, Dirk

15. Walk into the sea, Lee

16. Snap into a slim, Jim

17. Fall in a latrine, Gene

18. Say you lost a bet, Rhett

19. Replace yourself with a robot, Scott

20. Walk like you got crab knees, Dabney

21. Ride a T. Rex, Lex

22. Take the form of a bat, Pat

23. Buy a full-page color ad, Brad

24. Tell her in rhyme, Jeff

25. Hold court, Voldemort

26. Go screw, Andrew

27. Jump up your own butt, Helmut

Besides being a bad friend and worse romantic partner, the silverfish is shiftless and physically feeble.

Number of legs

Six.

Favorite video game

E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial.

Online presence

The silverfish accesses the Internet solely through apps. It uploads Vines of its meals as they’re cooking (usually Ramen mid-boil), takes Instagrams of ceiling fans, and tweets vague statements of emotion with excessive ellipses.

silverfish

“So I guess it’s like that today huh…………. I don’t need this anyway………..”

What if it fought a bear?

It would run away, Faye.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Even the worst fish (that deceitful, mate-absorbing ol’ racist the anglerfish[1]) is better than the silverfish.

 

1/10

 
 

[1]Until I come across a worse fish. It’s like Taken said in The Phantom Menace, “There’s always a worse fish.”

 
 

Programming note: This blog will take off one to two weeks, but will return with our big 150th review spectacular. Stay tuned!

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Tapir

Tapir

This message goes out to that son of a tapir, the tapir. You hear me, tapir? Listen up and listen well, ’cause I don’t want any of the subtleties of this message to slip out of that stupid head of yours.

tapir

Shut your ugly mouth when I’m talking, son.

Normally I don’t do this, tapir, but you’ve been begging for it. You’ve been pleading for it with every time you let that ugly punchable mug of yours out of the bag you keep it in. This isn’t a rating, tapir. This is a mercy-kill and I’m your Dr. Kevorkian.

What even are you? No orgy in the history of sex has been as immediately regretted as the unholy alliance of rhino, horse, and zebra that must have led to you crawling out of the ensuing ooze. Your trunk is too short to do anything of real use, but just long enough to make you one ugly sucker. Those short bristly hairs that cover your whole fat body aren’t doing you any favors either, pal. You look like the Elephant Man of elephants cosplaying as a black-and-white cookie.

Let me be clear. This isn’t just about appearances. I’m not shallow like that, tapir. This is about you being a trashy, classless redneck. You go home each night and look with pride on your wardrobe consisting entirely of Big Dawg sweatshirts and Tweety Bird apparel. “Behind Blue Eyes” is your favorite Who song, tapir. At any given moment in time, I got even odds you’re in a Wal-Mart parking lot with an empty case of PBR, paw hovering over the last button to drunk dial a white girl named Darlene.

More than that, tapir, this is about you being a coward. You’re so dumb and scared of getting wet, you try to dodge your chubby butt through the raindrops.

"Not my toesies!"

“Ooh no, is it safe? I better just touch it with my toesies!”

Meanwhile, and paradoxically, you love mud with your miserable life. You’re nasty, ya dirty bird. You disgust me.

What if it fought a bear?

No bear is gonna get its claws on you, tapir. Not before you feel my heel on your throat as I pose for my new profile picture for social media sites. I’m talking about Facebook, Twitter, Google Plus, LinkedIn, Farmers Only. I’m gonna beat you so hard it updates MySpace. This is serious.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Do you see what happens when you go up against the best animal rater in the game? Do you see what you get when you antagonize your superior? No, you don’t. Not yet. But you will. I will find you, tapir. I will go anywhere[1] on this blue marble I need to and I will end you.

 

1/10

 

 

[1]Except North Dakota. It knows why.

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Winter wren

Winter wren

We all know what time it is. This is St. Stephen’s Day, a day dedicated to the absolute eradication of the wren.[1] While traditional practice calls for me to beat and slash with holly branches those servants who have committed the sins of sleeping in or being born female, I would rather just give some thought to just what this wretched wren is, and why we deputize posses of straw elementals to hunt it down and kill it.

wrenboys

The wrenboys ride tonight. And Hell’s coming with them.

The answer, part A, is that the wren is a known traitor. Part B of the answer is that the wrenboys had the winning bid for the contract.

Special powers

The accursed winter wren is a backstabber, not only in that it excels at stabbing backs, but also in that it has an extremely sharp back – perfect for stabbing.

The winter wren, loathsome though it is, has never lost at Jenga.

Weaknesses

It is not any physically weaker than any other bird, but that’s not much of a high bar to clear. All such creatures are made of fragile, fragile bird bones.[2] No, its major failing is a moral one. Lights, please. The winter wren is a despicable traitor. You name it, the wren has betrayed it. And so, we as a society have cast it out and set this day aside every year to reaffirm our commitment to having our vengeance upon it. We even allied with the straw-man hybrids/abominations unto the Lord the wrenboys against it. We will hunt it in the cities. We will hunt it in the fields. We will hunt it ’round the moons of Nibia and ’round the Antares Maelstrom and ’round Perdition’s flame. We will not know rest until we see its head on a pike. From Hell’s heart we stab at thee, wren. WRRRRRREEEEEEENNNNN!

…And that’s what St. Stephen’s Day is all about, Charlie Brown.

Number of legs

Two.

In which Wikipedia leaves implied “Am I right, ladies?”

“The male builds a small number of nests. These are called ‘cock nests’ but are never lined until the female chooses one to use.”

What if it fought a bear?

The winter wren’s compulsive need for treachery will lead it to betray itself into the bear’s hands.[3]

Is it noble?

No.

NO.

Final rating

WRRRRRREEEEEEENNNNN!

 

1/10

 

 

[1]Winter wren, specifically.

[2]Except Hawkman, which is why he’s a superhero.

[3]Paws.

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Anglerfish

Anglerfish

Deep in the deepest, darkest depths of the deep ocean deep, there is many a strange creature. The anglerfish is one of the deepest and strangest and deepest.

AAAAAAAAAHHHHH

Home Alohno

Special powers

According to Wikipedia, “In most species, a wide mouth extends all around the anterior circumference of the head, and both jaws are armed with bands of long pointed teeth, which are inclined inwards, and can be depressed so as to offer no impediment to an object gliding towards the stomach, but prevent its escape from the mouth. The anglerfish is able to distend both its jaw and its stomach (its bones are thin and flexible) to enormous size, allowing it to swallow prey up to twice as large as its entire body.”

All of this is true of both the anglerfish and the Cheshire cat.

Weaknesses

I don’t know if this is a weakness exactly, but uh listen to this. When the anglerfish goes to reproduce, it sets the mood all right, puts on some Barry White, lights a candle (the candle is actually her bioluminescent extended spine), and then the much smaller male attaches itself to the female’s body and she absorbs his entire being. Their systems fuse and his organs and soul all slowly cease to be, until all that’s left is his poor fishy testicles.

All of this is true of both the anglerfish and Kris Jenner.*

Jenner Time

The male is pictured here with just three internal organs still wholly his own.

Number of legs

Nope.

Notable accomplishments

The anglerfish is most famous for its way of catching prey. Specifically, it invented fishing. It had a total monopoly on the fish market, until humans grew tired of relying on the anglerfish for their seafood supply and totes plagiarized it.**

“Ooh, look at me! I’m an angler!” (Source)

Wikipedia’s Talk Page Theater

Wikipedian 1 asks: “Are they dangerous? Can they bite? Those sharp teeth look formidable.”

Wikipedian 2 answers: “anglerfish are cool”

Known aliases

“Common black devil.”

…What the heck, anglerfish? That’s messed up, dogg. That’s messed up.

What if it fought a bear?

She’ll eat your soul and steal your ball strength, bear! Don’t test her!

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Sneaky deceiver tricking and eating innocent fish with unfair tactics. Horrifying monster absorbing its own kind into itself. Super-racist. The anglerfish.

You were wrong, Wikipedian 2. You were so wrong.

 

1/10

 

 

*My resumé’s in the mail, Late Night!

**The copycat who stole fishing from the anglerfish was named Prometheus.

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Moth

Moth

When the butterfly dies and is raised from the dead through Egyptian black magics, it returns to this mortal plane as the moth. It may resemble the butterfly you once knew, but remember – he’s dead now. What you’re seeing is a monster.

Perhaps you doubt this. Perhaps you believe that the moth is in fact a living creature of its own, distinct from the butterfly. I would ask you to try killing a moth yourself. You will find that, when the demonic fire keeping the moth going is snuffed out, its body will be reduced to dust. Yes, dust just like the vampires in seminal genre television series Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Dusting

I REST MY CASE.

There are, believe it or not, a number of ways in which the moth is different from the vampire. While neither beast needs to eat to sustain itself, the moth does not feed on blood.* The vampire burns up in sunlight, whereas the moth only grows weak and nauseous. The vampire can be killed through a wooden stake to the heart or beheading, but the moth is vulnerable to most any traditionally mortal wound. It is, however, immune to all forms of disease.

Special powers

If you have seen the moth in person, there is little doubt that you have seen it careen toward a light source. It may appear to be a suicidal and unrequited love affair between moth and lamp, but the moth’s actions are not illogical. The moth does not die when it touches a hot light because it knows how to travel the subspace pathways that link all incandescent bulbs.** Any moth body that remains in this dimension is a mere husk, which will be easily replaced when the moth reaches its destination – which may be your home!

moth

The moth travels where it pleases.

Also, as mentioned above, the moth can not be felled by disease.

Weaknesses

Again, the moth weakens in sunlight. It is also, honestly, not that great at flying.

Number of legs

Six.

Life cycle notes

A cursed butterfly does not immediately emerge from its grave as a moth. First, it wraps itself in a cocoon made of pure silk. Within this structure of its own (or Ed Hardy’s) design, the corpse transforms into its new unholy form. After six nights, the moth breaks free, leaving behind silk which can be harvested by clothing manufacturers. This is why silk workers are no better than war profiteers.

Horrifying Wikipedia quote

Grease Moth (Aglossa cuprina), known to have fed on the rendered fat of humans[18]

What if it fought a bear?

The moth may be an abomination, but it is not terribly powerful. The bear would destroy it and become a hero.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The moth is a disgusting perversion of a good animal. A twisted funhouse mirror image. It does not have the strength to execute much in the way of evil, but its corrupting influence is enough to condemn it.

 

1/10

 

 

*Well, not usually.

**Thanks, Thomas Edison!

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Tree Frog

Tree frog

What is this? What is this bullcrap?

Tree Frog

WHAT THE —- IS THIS

Are you kidding me, tree frog? Is this all some kind of elaborate joke carried out at my expense by the tree frog? Even that name, tree frog. Just think about that for a second. Does it make any sense? Of course it doesn’t.

A frog belongs in the water and its surrounding land. One of the many places it does not belong is a tree. Not even a gingko tree would I wish this upon. A frog is already getting two different environments. Grabbing a third is just greedy.

Special powers

This jerk is somehow getting away with being a frog and being in trees at the same time.

And it can, like, jump and stuff, I guess.

Weaknesses

Somebody could cut down the trees.

Number of legs

Four.

Places a frog should be before a tree

  • Center of active volcano
  • On a cloud
  • Canadian Parliament
  • English Parliament
  • Baltimore
  • A studio apartment
  • In a tiny top hat with a cane
  • A wall that is bleeding

What if it fought a bear?

The bear would destroy it without remorse. I applaud it for that.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

There is a reason the tree frog is known as “South America’s Affront to God’s Plan.”

 

1/10

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