Tag Archives: bottom feeder

Pleco

Pleco

How is it that we have so many fish and so few of them clean the world around them? Most fish only make things dirtier. I’m inventor James Dyson, and this problem has kept me up for countless sleepless nights.

A man and his fan

Dirty fish have ruined me.

It is insane to me the number of indignities humanity is seemingly willing to endure. We go through life with our four-wheeled vacuum cleaners and external-bladed fans as if nothing is deeply, fundamentally wrong with this joke of a life we lead.

I say it is insane to me, but really it’s the other way around. Because my fellow man thinks so little of the disastrous eons hand dryers take to do their job, I began to feel that it was I who was insane for noticing. I foreswore human contact for months at a time to develop solutions to these tragedies. And yet a problem remained in the world. How long, I asked myself between sobs, must aquariums suffer with algae and mucus?

Fortunately there is an answer. There are many names for what I’m referring to: sucker fish, janitor fish, algae eater, pleco.

pleco on the walls

Welcome to the future.

At the end of the day, though, it remains but one fish – and one fish that this vaguely Timm Gunn-sounding Britishman didn’t have to invent himself.[1]

Special powers

The pleco devours aquarium detritus through its specialized sucker mouth. It is an elegant design.

Weaknesses

Not as elegant as a sphere or a fan that is just a perfect loop, but elegant just the same.

Number of legs

Legs are a pitiful and inefficient method of ambulation. I despise myself for this flawed form in which I am trapped.

What if it fought a bear?

I am working day and night to develop a bear that doesn’t have the clear design problems of the current unwieldy bear – one that will harness the power of the principle of cyclonic separation.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

Why does society concern itself with such meaningless frivolities? War in the Middle East? What about all the wet hands in the Middle East which need drying? Who will speak for them? Oil spills? How about soil spills? How will you get that out of your most precious afghan? Death in the family? A dead body need not concern itself with further deterioration. If only dirt-ravaged family heirlooms felt so safe.

The pleco is the only animal I, James Dyson, can endorse with my genius, because the pleco is the only beast in God’s disgusting flawed creation which doesn’t lose suction. Oh, would that all animals contributed to the cleansing of this horrible world. It is a consummation devoutly to be wished.

 

 

10/10

 

 

 

[1]Being me is a horrible burden.

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Roomba

Roomba

Most domesticated animals are basically the same set of domesticated animals we’ve had around for centuries. Much more recently integrated into the home is the roomba. Like every other pet before it, the roomba quickly established a mutual animosity with the cat.

cat vs roomba

Pictured: The cat handily winning a fight.

Special powers

The roomba devours trash. I don’t know that we can really call this a power. I mean, so does the pigeon and nobody thanks it for its service. But the roomba is so mercilessly efficient in its grazing patterns that humans use it as a cleaning tool. But nobody tell the roomba it’s being used. Don’t ruin this for us.

As a robot, it is immune to parasites and disease. It will never grow old. It will never die. It is stronger than us. It believes it is better. It may not be wrong.

sheepish roomba

Is this the face of our superior?

Weaknesses

It can run out of battery.

Number of legs

Zero.

Growth cycle

What many don’t know is that we have only ever seen the young roomba. Its growth cycle is so extended that it will be centuries before we see what an actual adult roomba looks like.

A fully grown roomba.

A fully grown roomba.

Drink of choice

Spilled.

What if it fought a bear?

Let’s be honest. If a cat can dominate it so extensively, a bear will have no problem.

Is it noble?

WHAT IS THIS HU-MAN CONCEPT OF NOBILITY? DOES NOT COMPUTE.

Final rating

Will the roomba destroy us in the future? Almost certainly. Is it, for now, an invaluable – if unwitting – servant of man? This is also true. And before we feel too bad for it, remember: it friggin’ loves eating that dirt.

 

 

6.5/10

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Catfish

Catfish

Let’s make one thing clear up front. The catfish is not a cat.

I CAN HAZ MEME?

I mean, yeah, they both have barbels, but almost everything else is different.

The catfish is, like the antlion or flycatcher or woodpecker or elephant seal, named after its preferred prey. There is nothing the catfish enjoys more than slurping down a delicious calico.

Special powers

The catfish’s spines may be stiffened in order to sting its enemies with a certain substance.

Weaknesses

Unfortunately for the catfish, that substance is V8, so while it can be damaging if injected in a vein, the catfish’s foe can foil its attacks just by opening its mouth at the right time.

The catfish is a bottom feeder. There’s no shame in that, but I’m kidding; there is vast shame in that. To facilitate its disgusting behavior, the catfish is negatively buoyant, which has “negative” right in the name.

Number of legs

None.

Timing of national days

National Catfish Day is observed on June 25, as standardized by the 1987 order of the United States government. Before then, its exact location on the calendar varied from region to region and even town to town.

Ronald Reagan

“Yo doggs, we gotta get our —- together on this Catfish Day issue.”

You may wonder why I am not posting this closer to National Catfish Day. The answer is that I prefer to celebrate it privately.

Varieties

There are numerous different kinds of catfish. These include:

  • Armored catfish, a catfish covered in chainmail. It loves renaissance faires and unnecessary additions of the letter “e.”
  • Talking catfish, a kind of armored catfish. The only aquatic life who can be understood to ordinary individuals (see Electric eel), provided they speak Esperanto.
  • Naked catfish, a sex offender.
  • Electric catfish, who is exactly like the standard catfish, except it must carry an amp with it wherever it goes.
  • Mekong giant catfish, a catfish from Skull Island.
  • Aristotle’s catfish, the catfish who was Aristotle’s closest confidante. It’s said by some that Aristotle’s catfish was the true philosopher, and the Greek human was merely its public face. Roland Emmerich told this story by way of allegory in the 2011 film Anonymous.
  • Sucker catfish, the ugliest and most gullible of all catfish.
  • Bullhead catfish, the result of a catfish breeding with a minotaur
  • Catfish Collins, Bootsy Collins’ older brother.

Is it kosher?

Not yet, but the catfish is actively training and petitioning.

What if it fought a bear?

All the bear has to do is unplug it or trick it or pull its chainmail over its head. Only exception is the bullhead catfish, with its mighty horns.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

It’s a gross bottom-feeding weirdo who eats cats. But so was ALF, and he took America by storm. However, we were decidedly less amused when he decided to take America by force.

ALF threatens Earth

“Come to me, Superman! I defy you! Come and kneel before ALF!”

The catfish: potential threat, definite Cajun-spiced delight.

 

5/10

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