Tag Archives: Billy Joel

Peccary

Peccary

Did you know Josh T. from elementary school isn’t the only one to sometimes go by “skunk pig?” So does the peccary!

sooo good for its skin

Dirt is its favorite.

Unlike Josh T., the peccary works in the music industry. Currently, it is waist-deep in sorting through Billy Joel’s submitted lyrics for a sequel song to We Didn’t Start the Fire, which seem especially tonally inappropriate and possibly present some copyright implications.[1]

Special powers

The peccary’s stomach has three chambers, a mere thirty-three short of ideal.

It’s real good at identifying any monument on sight. Washington? Boom. Identified. Arc de Triomphe? Knew it in a heartbeat. Atomic Bomb Dome? You can’t trick the peccary with that one.

Weaknesses

Unlike the pig, the peccary only has three toes per hind foot.

It has ordered and ate the new hot dog bites pizza from Pizza Hut twice already.

Number of legs

Four.

Potent quotables

“People like to say nothing rhymes with purple but what about nurple?”

 – the peccary

Sample lyrics from We Still Didn’t Start That Fire From Before

James Cameron’s Avatar! Obama’s healthcare law!

Guitar Hero! Pikachu! Hurricane in the bayou!

Teletubbies might be gay! They can get married anyway!

Dubstep! Kangaskhan! FOX airs and cancels The Swan!

Peter Pan Live on NBC! Seriously!

Man’ti Te’o’s girlfriend! One Direction meets their end!

The Blacklist! I Can’t Breathe! Entourage on silver screens!

Edward Snowden! WikiLeaks! Robin Thicke! Eyebrows on fleek!

Ghost Protocol! Magnemite! Meowth! Drone strikes!

Politoed! Benghazi! Ash says goodbye to Butterfree!

Zubat! Zubat! Zubat Zubat Zubat!

What’s its astrological sign?

Tumor.

What if it fought a bear?

It would lose, but it would squirm and squeal in a way that really drags the whole thing out.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The pig got a 9. The skunk got a 2. I give the “skunk pig” a…

 

5/10

 

 

 

[1]It’s a task the blue whale delegated to it.

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Blue whale

Blue whale

Do you hear that sound? That beautiful sound? It’s the beautiful sound of the largest creature in the world, the blue whale. There are few animals who can equal the blue whale’s musical talents.

blue whale

Do NOT follow this animal at karaoke.

Unlike most underwater music, the blue whale’s songs have been appreciated far and wide.[1] It could make its bed out of platinum records. And let me tell you, its bed is huge. And comfortable, because it’s not actually made of platinum records. It keeps those in a trophy case.

Special powers

Its singing ability, obviously. Its ear for production and songwriting (an ear which it keeps inside rather than protruding ridiculously like most mammals).

Weaknesses

Mostly just gluten, according to it anyway.

Number of legs

N/A

Notable accomplishments

The blue whale’s long career has been incredibly varied. Beyond its accomplished solo career, the blue whale has fronted a handful of bands and served as producer for numerous diverse artists. It was a little embarrassed to be in Band Aid, but it was for a good cause and all, so it doesn’t want to look like a jerk.

When they performed their world-changing set at Woodstock, the blue whale filled in for a missing member of Sha Na Na.

The blue whale’s cover of Batdance set the records for most Grammys received and best record ever listened to.

Its long feud with Pitbull was the underlying subtext of Billy Joel’s diss song The Entertainer, which the blue whale produced.[2]

When country guy Scott Allenson could not fulfill his duties on a live episode of The Voice, the blue whale scatted notes for a national audience until Cee-lo could revive his fellow judge. It was the highest rated episode ever.

The blue whale is the only friend the being designated Buckethead has ever known.

Michael Jackson‘s trademark “shee-hee!” laugh is a flair he first heard the blue whale use. He bought the rights to the giggle from it for a secret price rumored to be around $900,000 (adjusted for inflation).

Wikipedia’s Talk Page Says

“Whales eat fruits and veggies. Digging is the ultimate experience.”

Wikipedia’s Talk Page Also Says

“hahaha this whale is huge and ugly and funky doodle digging is the ultimate experience…lol…”

What if it fought a bear?

Two words: Body slam. Game over.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

Well, it is huge and ugly and a total funky doodle. But it’s an immensely talented funky doodle. And any enemy of Pitbull is a friend of this blog.

Pitbull, stop it.

He knows what he did.

 

9.5/10

 

 

 

[1]Of course, some biased sources will tell you that everything’s better where it is wetter, but anyone who’s tried to eat potato chips at the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico will tell you that’s wrong.

 

[2]Notice lyrics such as “So they cut it down to 305,” a clear reference to “Mr. 305” himself. The song also mentions Pitbull’s practice of performing with his hands deep in his trousers and his gimmicky all-palace tour.

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Sparrow

Sparrow

“His eye is on the sparrow,” goes the old hymn. “His” of course refers to God. God is watching you, sparrow.

"I SEE YOU"

A little like this, but good instead of evil.

He’s watching you closely, and so am I. It’s the Holy Father’s place to judge, but it is my place to rate. So let’s get to it.

Special powers

The sparrow is a very standard issue bird. It doesn’t have much going for it specifically, but it does enjoy the privileges that all birds do. These include flight and an immunity to meteors.

“Whaaat!” you may scream indignantly. “Birds are immune to meteors? How do you figure?”

One answer is that I figure with a series of oversized wall-mounted abacuses, which I had installed in my home in order to spite Texas Instruments. We’ve since resolved our differences, but it seems a waste not to use the abacuses now that I have them.

Another answer has to do with the notion that the bird is the descendents of the dinosaur. As we all know, the dinosaur was wiped out by a meteor. Why? The dinosaur had constructed a giant gold ball of twine as a monument to its own greatness (as if naming itself things like “thunder-lizard” wasn’t self-aggrandizing enough). The hubris of the dinosaur was an abomination in God’s sight.*

If we apply the principles of natural selection and logic to this scenario, we can see that the bird must be descended from the survivors of this disaster, and that it must carry the gene for meteor-invulnerability. Q.E.D.

Weaknesses

The sparrow’s bones are completely hollow; there’s not even vanilla cream in there.

Number of legs

Two.

Musical inclination

The sparrow is one of a number of birds known for its appreciation for music, something sadly rare in the animal kingdom. The sparrow’s favorite artists are Dean Martin, doo-wop period Billy Joel, Phil Collins-era Genesis, and DANGERDOOM.

Is it a victim of ethnic cleansing?

Yes. In China’s Great Leap Forward in the late 1950s and early 1960s, the government instituted a campaign suggesting to the populace that, hey, maybe snap a few sparrow necks. The Four Pests Campaign targeted the sparrow, the rat, the fly, and the poodle.**

Four Pests Campaign Poster

At last, the David of human civilization stood up to the bullying Goliath of smallish songbirds.

Propaganda encouraged citizens to murder these four creatures on sight and present the scalps to government representatives in exchange for payment. This system, though abhorrent, did serve as a model for Western recycling practices.

What if it fought a bear?

This thing is immune to meteors. You think a bear is going to give it any trouble?

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

I don’t totally trust birds, and this isn’t a particularly remarkable one.

However, I alluded earlier to the fact that I wish more animals appreciated music, so I have to give the sparrow points for its chirpy little ditties. This is the animal most likely to join me in a performance of The Longest Time, and I think that says something about it.

 

7/10

 

 

*The people of middle America have failed to learn the lessons of prehistory. The Great Plains is preserved only through their inability to build as grandly as the dinosaur.

**The poodle was not particularly pest-like, but Chairman Mao considered it to be inherently against everything he stood for. When the phrase “capitalist dog” is used, the poodle is understood to be the dog. Mao hated the poodle. Oh how he hated the poodle.

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