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American legless lizard

American legless lizard

Guys. Guys, can you all just this once, please please be cool? Puh-leeeeeeease. Just. Be. Cool. Okay?

The American legless lizard doesn’t know it’s a snake.

FOR ONCE.

BE. COOL.

It’s not your place or mine to tell the American legless lizard otherwise. It is our place to be cool.

Special powers

Unlike most snakes, the American legless lizard has eyelids. It likes to point this out as if it’s some kind of crucial difference that makes it not a snake. Just play along, all right?

It can detach its own tail to confound and horrify others.

As an American, it has all the freedoms granted it by the Bill of Rights. It doesn’t have to quarter anybody, and it doesn’t!

Weaknesses

The thing’s got no dang legs.

Number of legs

None.

Celebrity birthdays

The American legless lizard shares a birthday with…

  • Jan Berenstain, children’s author. People remember the author creating the “Berenstein Bears,” but it was actually “Berenstain’s Monsters.”
  • Mia Wasikowska, who died one hundred years ago this very night and hasn’t let it slow her down.

  • Melanie Williams, the secret third Williams sister.

Importance level of its Wikipedia article

Low.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear doesn’t care about detachable tails. It considers most tails detachable.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The American legless lizard needs to stop deluding itself. But I’m overstepping my bounds even by saying that in confidence.[1] I’m sorry. I should just be cool. The American legless lizard usually is. Cool, that is.

7/10

[1]This blog is just between you and me, right?

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