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Red panda

Red panda

What is the red panda? Is it a panda? No. Is it a cat? No. Is it a Communist? No. Well, there was a phase in sophomore year of college, first semester, when it thought it was a Communist, but it turns out the red panda did not really understand what that entails. It is in fact this kind of identity confusion that ends up defining this animal.

Red panda

Is this a raccoon?

We can rule out the red panda being a raccoon because its eyes do not glow like the devil (one of the attributes critical to being a raccoon). We can rule out it being a weasel, because – even for all its pretension – it has good intentions. We can rule out it being a fox, because it does not suffer from any clinical mental illness. We can also rule out it being ugly because it is in serious contention for the Cutest Thing Prize, awarded for achievements in being the cutest thing alive.

Special powers


And although we primates like to think we have the monopoly on them, the red panda has secret thumbs. They are usually kept hidden, but extend when the red panda needs to operate tools, type missives, or exchange high fives.


The red panda has a tendency to think it’s the smartest animal in the room and get really into whatever philosophy it read about most recently. If you’ve ever been cornered by the red panda at a party, you’ve had to listen to it explain just why you should vote for a particular semi-obscure candidate – or at some points in the year, why voting is just another system of control for the Bilderberg.

Number of legs

Four, but beware: some of them have secret thumbs! (see Special powers)


The red panda eats primarily bamboo or bamboo lite, depending on availability and how recent New Year’s was. However, unlike the black-and-white panda, it is willing to expand its palate if offered other foods. It just chooses not to support the food-that-isn’t-bamboo industry with its own money.

Red panda eating

“You vote with your dollar.”

What if it fought a bear?

Look at that little guy. Not even a bear could ever hurt it.

Is it noble?


Final rating

The red panda isn’t the best conversationalist one could ask for, but it’s also really quite nice and just so cute. Aren’t you? Yes you are! Yes you are! What’s that, little guy? Oh, uh, no, please, tell me why you’re back on the Ron Paul train again.



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