Tag Archives: bad at crimes

Land snail

Land snail

At first glance (and most subsequent glances), the land snail seems useless.

snail

“Oh thank goodness you’re here!” – a phrase the land snail never hears

Sure, there are some weirdos who believe you can eat it in a context outside starvation or bet loss. To those people I say: would you similarly defend eating a slug? If you wouldn’t eat an animal naked, don’t eat it just because it’s wearing something fancy.

In the 1850s, Jacques Benoit sought to discover a higher purpose for the land snail – namely, using its telepathic love connection to its snailmate[1] to create a telegraph. When the user poked the correct snail on one end, the conversational partner would witness the effect on the corresponding snail on their end, theoretically. This was known as “snail mail.” The failure of Benoit’s invention is easy to explain when one realizes that fourteen of the twenty-four snail couples were divorced within ten years.

Special powers

An instantaneous telepathic link to its one true love. The snail also boasts a tough shell, which it maintains through a calcium-heavy diet and regular applications of wax.

Weaknesses

Due to a slimy residue left by it wherever it goes, the snail is one of the most easily trackable creatures, there in the conversation with those animals which leave riddle-clues and the sloth, which is probably still at the scene of the crime. It has to take in a lot of dairy to keep that shell in tip-top shape.

Number of legs

Not applicable.

What’s in the shell?

Secrets.

What if it fought a bear?

If Anthony Bourdain can vanquish/eat you, you probably don’t have a prayer against the bear.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

Is it a boring snail? Yes. Of course it is. But it also has a powerful psychic sexual bond I can’t help but admire. We should all be so lucky.

I wish I were a snail

Truly an enviable animal.

 

 

8/10

 

 

 

 

[1]A snail soulmate.

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Gorilla

Gorilla

Never in the long and storied history of Rate Every Animal have I reviewed an animal more like you and me than the gorilla.

Sure there have been imitators, but the gorilla is genuinely genetically similar to mankind. They even live in troops led by males with silvery back hair, just like we do!

#relatable

We can all identify with this.

Special powers

The gorilla is the biggest ape in the game. Others try to take the crown, but the gorilla holds it down.

Weaknesses

The gorilla has unique fingerprints, which greatly reduces the gorilla’s capability for consequence-free crime. It’s not helped by a distinctive appearance pretty much any witness-sketch artist team can nail.

Number of legs

Two, but the arms kinda double as legs.

Notable gorillas

There have been a number of notable gorillas throughout history. These include:

  • Koko: This gorilla learned sign language and suddenly she couldn’t keep a dang secret.[1]
  • King Kong: The giant king of all apes, Kong became one of the wonders of the world by defeating the Hanging Gardens of Babylon in a cage match.
  • Donkey Kong: Rightful heir to the gorilla throne, DK has spurned noblesse oblige in favor of his true passion: hurling barrels.
  • Tarzan: Originally thought to be a human raised by apes, “Tarzan” was an elaborate prank played on Edgar Rice Burroughs by a gorilla in a human suit.
  • This baby gorilla: This baby gorilla is the finest thespian working today:

    alas

    “I knew him, Horatio.”

What if it fought a bear?

The gorilla fought Godzilla. The bear’s got nothing on it.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

I’d like to know what’s up with the barrel fascination, but other than that the gorilla is a superb animal. It’s even a wonder of the world. When have you even been in consideration to be a wonder?

That’s what I thought.

 

9.5/10

 

 

 

[1]I trusted you, Koko.

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