Tag Archives: available in designer colors

Nudibranch

Nudibranch

The nudibranch is happy you’re here.

“Welcome to my rating.”

“Welcome to my rating.”

Special powers

The nudibranch is very colorful.

nudibranch1

I don’t know if that really counts as a “special power.”

nudibranch3

But I like it.

nudibranch4

Weaknesses

The nudibranch’s simple eyes are useful for little more than distinguishing dark and light.

Furthermore, it lacks the protective shell that often comes standard in animals of this sort. And regardless of how much the nudibranch talks it up, optional satellite radio is not a satisfactory substitute.

Number of legs

None.

Role models

Just one: Turok the Dinosaur Hunter.

Aliases

Nudey, Dude-ibranch, Rude-ibranch, The Turok Liker.

Hobbies

It’s not exactly a hobby, but the nudibranch spends a LOT of time emulating Turok the Dinosaur Hunter in every aspect of its life it knows how.

Favorite video game

Bubble Bobble.

Super Bowl Storylines To Watch

  1. Which teams are playing?

  2. When is the game and how can I watch it? Or is it on the radio?

  3. Who has the “joe-mentum” going into the game?

  4. Which player likes Skittles the most?

  5. Will this be Peyton Manning’s last Coldplay concert?

  6. Can Carolina’s defense contain their excitement when they hear the pre-game music or will it get them too hyped and they’ll have to lay down and calm down?

  7. Where is everybody running so fast?

  8. Why are the bees disappearing?

  9. Who died and made special teams so special?

  10. What are the names of everyone who has ever died?

What if it fought a bear?

The nudibranch’s combat focus is purely dinosaur-based. The bear would confound it.

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

Have fun watching the big game!

 

 

9.5/10

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Chameleon

Chameleon

Have you ever seen the chameleon? How many times? What if I told you the real number was four times that, and you didn’t even know it? That would be crazy. It’s actually only twice what you guessed.

Special powers

Its toes and tail are perfect for clinging to branches. Its eyes swivel independently of one another. It has a long sticky tongue – longer than its body, in fact.

But I’m burying the lead. The chameleon changes color. It does so for camouflage, in reaction to temperature, or as an expression of mood. For example, when the chameleon is angry, it turns black. I’m sorry. It’s not politically correct; it’s just what it does. Blame the chameleon.

In an effort to attract females, the male will take on multi-colored patterns. Mostly plaids and ginghams. The chameleon pictured is on acid.

In an effort to attract females, the male will take on multi-colored patterns. Mostly plaids and ginghams. The chameleon pictured is on acid.

Weaknesses

The chameleon is very slow and deliberate when moving. Do not do a three-legged race with the chameleon. Do not even play a board game with it. It takes a long time to take a Chutes and Ladders turn. Chutes and Ladders! There’s not even decisions to make in that game!

Number of legs

Four.

Do I own a Beanie Baby of it?

Yes.

What if it fought a bear?

It did, and it shot the bear with a gun.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The chameleon is a sneaky trickster. You can try to keep your eye on it, but it moves so slow, it’s hard not to get bored into ignoring it. But you gotta admit, those special powers are really cool. And it’s got a distinctive look for an animal known for going invisible. Trust me; I have the Beanie Baby.

 

 

8.5/10

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Coral snake

Coral snake

As I’m sure you all know, I am on the forefront of hot trends in facial hair. The latest, buzziest style is coral snakes on your doggone face.

This is so in right now.

This is so in right now.

You can personalize your coral snake to express your individuality.

You can personalize your coral snake to express your individuality.

Special powers

Unlike most things fashion has told us to put on our head, the coral snake poses a risk of venomous bite. To know whether you’re in danger, just look at the pattern of the colored stripes on its body and repeat the classic rhyme. “Red touches yellow, you’re a dead fellow. Red touches black, you’re dead, Jack. Red touches blue, you’re dead, too. Red touches brown, you’re dead in the ground. Red touches green, this place is now a crime scene. Red touches gray, HEY! Guess what, you’re dead.”

And fun fact about that venom: the FDA-approved antivenom hasn’t been produced in the U.S. since 2003, because it’s not profitable to make more. Sleep tight!

Weaknesses

The coral snake was signed to Cash Money Records in 2010 and we still ain’t seen that album. What’s up, coral snake? Where’s the album at?

Number of legs

None at all.

Drink of choice

Stout.

Celebrity birthdays

The coral snake shares a birthday with

  • George Washington Carver, inventor of the peanut

  • Kevin Pollack, the famous painter

  • and Zack Morris, master of time itself!

What if it fought a bear?

It would never fight the bear. It looks too good wrapped around its ears and brow.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The coral snake looks great. On the other hand, it might bite you in the face and sink its venom into the snakebite that’s on your face now. Looking good comes at a price.

 

8/10

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Flamingo

Flamingo

The flamingo: It’s not just a lawn ornament any more!

pink plastic flamingo

I mean, it’s still a lawn ornament. But it’s a bird too now.

In both statue and animal form, the flamingo enjoys nothing more than standing on one leg and tucking the other away. Not even Jenga. And it loves Jenga.

Special powers

It’s good at Jenga.

Like the rock pigeon, the flamingo produces crop milk. Flamingo crop milk is even more potent than the pigeon variety. It’s available only in secret backrooms of Tunisian hookah bars, where it is sold to those for whom gambling and opiates have lost their thrill.

Weaknesses

Sometimes it is a lawn ornament.

Number of legs

Two. Wings are also involved.

Diet

The flamingo gains its distinctive pink color from feeding on algae, brine shrimp and a certain flavor of lemonade (blue raspberry). If, for some reason, it changes its diet, the flamingo’s color will change accordingly. Consult this handy chart.

Color                                   Diet

Pink                                      Algae, brine shrimp, blue raspberry lemonade

Yellow                                   Popcorn shrimp, kale, pink lemonade

Silver                                    Spinach, beef, red wine

Navy blue                              Baconator with Arby’s Sauce, sweet potato fries and Baja Blast[1]

Turquoise                              Tangerines

Tangerine                              Olives

Olive                                     Mangos

Black                                    Dark matter

Orange w/ black stripes          N/A. Not a flamingo. May be a tiger.

flamingo

Does it look like this? Or does it look like a big stripey cat?

What if it fought a bear?

The bear is mighty, but might will not give it the ability to kill a lawn ornament. That remains impossible.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The flamingo will never die. Flamingo forever. Forever and ever the flamingo.

 

9/10

 

 

[1]#Supperjumpin

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