Tag Archives: Ancient Ones



The biggest name in coastal birds is the seagull. Much like the biggest name in hamburgers is McDonald’s. The seagull is the McDonald’s of beach creatures. That’s not a compliment.

Special powers

Flight, of course. Though it’s also true that it is a great runner.

It worships the Ancient Ones, and may be spared or kept alive longer than the rest of us.

om nom nom



However, it is a very sloppy eater. It is such a sloppy eater that it extends all the way through the digestion process, right down to its reckless pooping.[1] Like many birds, it’s an idiot. It is also classless. It showed up to the raven‘s wedding in cargo shorts so it could hold more beers.

Number of legs


Wikipedia’s talk page asks

“Wouldn’t a nice photo of two gulls fighting over the entrails of a herring be a better shot to have uppermost in the giull wikipedia page?”

Other ratings of the seagull

“The herring gull is one of the most successful of birds.” – The Kingfisher Illustrated Encyclopedia of Animals

“An unfortunate misstep that will undoubtedly damage the bird brand.” – Alan Sepinwall

“Promising in concept, flawed in execution. Shipping was fast.” – Amazon user Caitlyn P.

“Terrible. 9.6/10” – IGN

Related sports teams

There are not many teams named for the seagull, but those that are know the pride and fulfillment of achieving victory as a Seagull. Two Australian rugby teams have worn the uniform of the Seagull, but one abandoned it to become the Chargers. You know, like the thing that plugs your phone into the wall. They have brought shame and dishonor upon themselves by choosing this coward’s way out. Once a Seagull, always a Seagull.

Go Sammy Go!

You let down Sammy the Sea Gull of Salisbury University, Gold Coast.

What if it fought a bear?

It would lose.

Is it noble?


Final rating

You know the saying, “You are what you eat.” The seagull eats garbage.



[1]Just like McDonald’s.

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