Tag Archives: an internet

Ladybug

Ladybug

There are more apps than ever before. If you don’t believe me, just check the nearest mobile “smart” telephone. What do you see? You guessed it – apps.

These programs do not appear fully formed out of nothing. Someone has to develop them, and in the case of several apps, that someone is the ladybug.

Pictured here soaring over Silicon Valley

Pictured here soaring over Silicon Valley

The ladybug has been fully or partially responsible for…

  • Qarma

  • fone

  • Blokkr

  • CanItMelt?

  • mega

  • picpop

  • Sleestak

  • AccountClam

  • Grundlr

  • Xzibit

  • MeltIt!

  • KAZOW

  • lyme

  • Vend.Me

  • SandyCab

  • Flurnge

  • Plumly

  • zerocool

  • AcidBurn

  • phazify

  • Sumppd

  • Simulvine

  • shovl

  • ShouldIHaveMeltedIt?

  • Linxxxx

The ladybug is insufferable to talk to.

Special powers

In addition to its programming expertise and start-up experience, the ladybug has nine lives and sensitive whiskers.

Weaknesses

If you touch the ladybug, you will find that it stinks horribly.

Number of legs

Six.

A note on categorization

Entomologists prefer to call the ladybug the ladybird beetle, because it is not a true bug, but it is a true bird and as many as three times a lady.

The Kingfisher Illustrated Encyclopedia of Animals Says

“One larva will eat several hundred aphids during its three week development.”

The ladybug is a mass-murderer.

What does Mark Trail think of it?

He finds it useful. For now.

He finds it useful. For now.

What if it fought a bear?

A bear is not an aphid, so it is fine.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Don’t talk to the ladybug. It thinks it’s going to save the world by charging money for weird things. And it stinks. And it hangs out in your house uninvited in the winter.

 

 

3/10

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Tapir

Tapir

This message goes out to that son of a tapir, the tapir. You hear me, tapir? Listen up and listen well, ’cause I don’t want any of the subtleties of this message to slip out of that stupid head of yours.

tapir

Shut your ugly mouth when I’m talking, son.

Normally I don’t do this, tapir, but you’ve been begging for it. You’ve been pleading for it with every time you let that ugly punchable mug of yours out of the bag you keep it in. This isn’t a rating, tapir. This is a mercy-kill and I’m your Dr. Kevorkian.

What even are you? No orgy in the history of sex has been as immediately regretted as the unholy alliance of rhino, horse, and zebra that must have led to you crawling out of the ensuing ooze. Your trunk is too short to do anything of real use, but just long enough to make you one ugly sucker. Those short bristly hairs that cover your whole fat body aren’t doing you any favors either, pal. You look like the Elephant Man of elephants cosplaying as a black-and-white cookie.

Let me be clear. This isn’t just about appearances. I’m not shallow like that, tapir. This is about you being a trashy, classless redneck. You go home each night and look with pride on your wardrobe consisting entirely of Big Dawg sweatshirts and Tweety Bird apparel. “Behind Blue Eyes” is your favorite Who song, tapir. At any given moment in time, I got even odds you’re in a Wal-Mart parking lot with an empty case of PBR, paw hovering over the last button to drunk dial a white girl named Darlene.

More than that, tapir, this is about you being a coward. You’re so dumb and scared of getting wet, you try to dodge your chubby butt through the raindrops.

"Not my toesies!"

“Ooh no, is it safe? I better just touch it with my toesies!”

Meanwhile, and paradoxically, you love mud with your miserable life. You’re nasty, ya dirty bird. You disgust me.

What if it fought a bear?

No bear is gonna get its claws on you, tapir. Not before you feel my heel on your throat as I pose for my new profile picture for social media sites. I’m talking about Facebook, Twitter, Google Plus, LinkedIn, Farmers Only. I’m gonna beat you so hard it updates MySpace. This is serious.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Do you see what happens when you go up against the best animal rater in the game? Do you see what you get when you antagonize your superior? No, you don’t. Not yet. But you will. I will find you, tapir. I will go anywhere[1] on this blue marble I need to and I will end you.

 

1/10

 

 

[1]Except North Dakota. It knows why.

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Deepwater stingray

Deepwater stingray

There are superfans. There are Supertrains. There are Supertrain superfans. And then there’s the deepwater stingray. It is the biggest Supertrain fan of them all.

stingray

Not that it’s a big pool to draw from.

Despite the burning intensity of the deepwater stingray’s devotion to Supertrain, which is roughly comparable to one thousand suns, it also makes time for other pursuits and obsessions. The deepwater stingray is, to put it lightly, a great big nerd. It buys all the comics with “Justice League” in the title, even if they’re about Vibe.[1] It watches every episode of “Defiance.” It knows intimate details about Shadowrun.

These things make the deepwater stingray happy. What upsets it? Anything in a movie it deems a plot hole. Its definition of plot hole is very broad, as one can see reading its angry online missives. Please find below an excerpt of the deepwater stingray’s objections:

“Nobody went to the bathroom in this movie. You mean to tell me they ALL held it for WEEKS? Then in this scene the main character has totally different clothes? Where’d that come from? Did he have some kind of secret room full of outfits? And another thing: the villain is established as being really smart. But then at the end, the hero is all of a sudden slightly smarter than him! Ummm, plot hole much? You’d think a film of this budget would be a LITTLE more careful!”

Special powers

Like any other stingray, the deepwater stingray has a tail with a barbed sting on the end.

I mean, that’s pretty much the main thing. It’s right there in the name.

Weaknesses

It illegally downloads albums it doesn’t even want, and has at least twice ended up with viruses it really didn’t want as a result. Plus that one time it got an NWA album where all the swears were replaced with Swedish Chef sounds.[2]

Number of legs

No.

Wikipedia Talk Page Theater

Wikipedian 1 asserts: “Stingrays are fascinating creature…”

Wikipedian 2 rebuts: “No they aren’t”

What if it fought a bear?

It would complain that it makes no sense for the bear to be underwater. In this particular case, it would be right.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Nobody loves Supertrain like the deepwater stingray loves Supertrain.

NOBODY.

 

3/10

 

 

 

[1]I’m just trying to start a beef with all the Vibe-heads out there.

[2]Actually, that was pretty borping awesome.

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Douroucouli

Douroucouli

They call it the night monkey.

Its true name is the douroucouli.

It is the only monkey to do its real living at night.

Special powers

Only a few non-human animals are even decent artists, much less good ones. There’s the elephant, for one. For two, there’s the douroucouli. Its drawings are really quite beautiful. Its paintings are impeccable. Its charcoal work, quite honestly, isn’t up to its usual standards, but it’s still better than mine.

douroucouli self-portrait

The douroucouli: a self-portrait.

Weaknesses

The douroucouli can be pretty condescending.

condescending douroucouli

“Oh, I’m sorry, you probably haven’t heard of this. It’s kind of a nocturnal thing.”

This trait was the basis for a failed attempt at a viral meme by user _SupertrainSet_ that would feature the douroucouli’s image accompanied by various obnoxious phrases, such as “Oh, you’ve only seen the pilot? You must be such a huuuuge Supertrain fan,” and “Uh, yeah, I guess you could say Supertrain was a flop…if you hate quality.”[1]

Number of legs

Four.

Drink of choice

Maker’s Mark, which comes with its own wax – saving the douroucouli a costly trip to the wax store!

What if it fought a bear?

Well there’s a good chance the douroucouli isn’t even awake for this fight.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The night monkey is a dope nickname.

 

8.5/10

 

 

[1]To be clear, the douroucouli has never said anything like these quotes.

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California condor

California condor

Huell Howser: Well hello, everybody; I’m Huell Howser!

Huell Howser, California's Gold

“Wwwow!”

HH: I’m here on a… what do you call this?

Nathan Cranor: A blog, Huell.

HH: A blog – now what’s that?

NC: It’s a… It’s an internet.

HH: And you and I are in it.

NC: Sure. Umm, hi, readers. Sorry about this. Huell stumbled in here with a microphone and just started doing his show here.

HH: My sense of direction isn’t at its best, folks. I’ve been very dizzy lately. But what is it you do here on this bloggernet?

NC: Today I rate the California condor.

California Condor

HH: Now that is one wild-looking dog!

NC: It’s not a dog. It’s a kind of vulture, and as such is subject to the rule of the vulture king.

HH: Amaazing! Now that is truly some of California’s Gold.

NC: You’ve got to leave.

HH: Does this dog eat avocados? I once met a dog who loved to eat avocados!

NC: The condor is a scavenger, feeding mostly on carrion, but occasionally will settle for checked luggage as well.[1]

Special powers

HH: Wwow! And if you can see here, this creature, whatever it is, is moving through the air…without moving its feet!

California Condor Flying in Pinnacles National Monument

NC: It’s called flying. Seriously, leave.

HH: You know, from up there, I bet it can see aaaall the way to beautiful San Bernardino, California.

NC: That’s it. Excuse me for a second, everybody.

please stand by

…That’s better. Now, where was I? Ah, yes…

Weaknesses

As covered in my bald eagle review, the California condor is a living piñata ready to burst with candy at the first hint of a bullet. So that’s a big one. It also suffers from the same baldness as that eagle, though it is not so ashamed of it. It should be though. It should be.

Number of legs

Two.

Online presence

The California condor bizarrely thrives on dead and dying social media platforms. It is currently the most active and popular user on Friendster.

Loyalty to the vulture king

High to medium-high.

What if it fought a bear?

Is the bear dead? If so, it might have a fighting chance.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The California condor does what it sets out to do, and does it with integrity. Consider that corpses are notoriously lazy; they’re not going to eat themselves. The California condor fills that role perfectly.

It can be a little “LA” though.

California condor

“Are you guys going to the Grove later? I need to walk off this Pinkberry.”

HH: That is amaazing!

NC: Gah! How many times do I have to shoot you in the head?!

HH: Now you say I have a “head?” Now what’s that?

NC: Hhuuuuuueeeelll!

Studio Audience: Laughter, applause

Executive Producer: Dick Wolf

 

7.5/10

 

 

[1]Ba-dum-tish.

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Cockroach

Cockroach

There are many bugs in this world. Too many, one could say. But none are as paranoid as the cockroach. There has been confusion about this, but the cockroach itself is not particularly resistant to radiation. The expansive, well-stocked bunker it’s building is.

Special powers

The cockroach does not have the antennae of other insects, but it compensates with an incredible mustache.

cockroach

Not pictured: Monocle, twirling.

Weaknesses

Everyone who meets it hates it. As a result, its friend circle is extremely limited.

It loves to frequent Internet comment sections, but is completely reliant on others’ Wi-fi. If you find the cockroach in your own home uninvited, you may need to better protect your network.

Number of legs

Six.

What does it do?

The cockroach spends most of its time working on its doomsday preparations, taking the odd break to go to someone’s apartment or Starbucks or the public library to ask YouTube whatever happened to good music and tell Yahoo! how mad it is that it just read whatever article it just read.

cockroach on keyboard

“Back in the day, Hey Arnold was on TV. In 2012, we are all doomed to post-apocalyptic race wars! Share this post if you love America. Only 1 in 3 people can read this.”

After the sun goes down is when the cockroach really gets active. As night falls, it goes out into the world to feed on the dead flesh of fallen animals and fallen fruits. The cockroach detests light. The exception is the Asian cockroach, which is attracted to it, but only “ironically.”

What if it fought a bear?

The cockroach’s only hope is to escape back to its bear-resistant compound.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Despite the similar name and shared insect nature, the cockroach is certainly no cockchafer. It’s barely even Papa Roach. Yeah, its crazy bunker is actually kind of impressive, but for me to join it there, it would have to be my… LAST RESORT.

Durr durp!

I expected Horatio Caine.

 

1.5/10

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