Tag Archives: America

American legless lizard

American legless lizard

Guys. Guys, can you all just this once, please please be cool? Puh-leeeeeeease. Just. Be. Cool. Okay?

The American legless lizard doesn’t know it’s a snake.

FOR ONCE.

BE. COOL.

It’s not your place or mine to tell the American legless lizard otherwise. It is our place to be cool.

Special powers

Unlike most snakes, the American legless lizard has eyelids. It likes to point this out as if it’s some kind of crucial difference that makes it not a snake. Just play along, all right?

It can detach its own tail to confound and horrify others.

As an American, it has all the freedoms granted it by the Bill of Rights. It doesn’t have to quarter anybody, and it doesn’t!

Weaknesses

The thing’s got no dang legs.

Number of legs

None.

Celebrity birthdays

The American legless lizard shares a birthday with…

  • Jan Berenstain, children’s author. People remember the author creating the “Berenstein Bears,” but it was actually “Berenstain’s Monsters.”
  • Mia Wasikowska, who died one hundred years ago this very night and hasn’t let it slow her down.

  • Melanie Williams, the secret third Williams sister.

Importance level of its Wikipedia article

Low.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear doesn’t care about detachable tails. It considers most tails detachable.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The American legless lizard needs to stop deluding itself. But I’m overstepping my bounds even by saying that in confidence.[1] I’m sorry. I should just be cool. The American legless lizard usually is. Cool, that is.

7/10

[1]This blog is just between you and me, right?

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Bald eagle

Bald eagle

Say there, boy! What day is today?

I said what’s today, fine fellow?

The Fourth of July, you say! Then I haven’t missed it! The spirits did it all in just one night! They can do whatever they like. Of course they can. Of course they can!

And hello to you, dear blog readers, on this fine Fourth of July! Bless you for reading. Fifty times, bless you! And what could I rate on this glorious day but the bald eagle.

bald eagle

Apologies to my Canadian readers, as Canadian 4th of July is celebrated in May.

Special powers

Perhaps, if you are a particularly international or ignorant reader, you wonder why the bald eagle is so appropriate for this holiday. The answer is that the bald eagle is a national symbol of the United States of America, and as such is imbued by the Constitution with a great many executive powers. It is in the top two most powerful birds in America, along with the secretary bird.

The bald eagle has incredible vision, hence the popular phrase and cinematic Avenger “Eagle Eye.”

Played by Jeremy R.

“Eagle Eye, assemble!” – Eagle Eye’s famous catchphrase

Weaknesses

This eagle is bald. In an effort to hide this fact, it has glued feathers to its head. The bald eagle was so desperate that it didn’t even stop to check if the colors matched. Though to be fair, it doesn’t own a mirror, so it would have had to go all the way to somebody else’s place to be sure.

Number of legs

Two.

Diet

The bald eagle eats all sorts of fish and small mammals and reptiles, and occasionally even smaller birds or popsicles, even if you lick it first. The bald eagle doesn’t care.

Is it a victim of ethnic cleansing?

Not entirely intentionally.

For several decades, humans just murdered the heck out of the bald eagle whenever they got a chance, due to a rumor that one of the corpses would contain front-row Skynyrd tickets. The rumor was false – spread, some say, by the California condor to take some heat off itself for the rumor that it was a living piñata ready to burst with candy at the first hint of a bullet.* Finally, hunting was curbed by the United States Congress enacting the Come On, Guys Act, which stated that come on, guys, there’s no tickets inside the bald eagle; stop shooting it already.

All those eagles did not die entirely in vain, however. Their essences were captured and transformed into the airbrushed denim jackets we so cherish today.

eagle jacket

The eagle’s greatest regret is that it can never know the freedom of movement enjoyed by motorcycle riders.

Wikipedia’s Talk Page Asks

“Please give me a Bald Eagle quote for a school speech. Thank you
David”

– David, presumably

Professions

Beyond its duties within the U.S. government (e.g. presiding over the Senate, deciding ties in boxing matches, doing flyovers of BCS games, filling in should the sitting Miss America be unable to execute the duties of her office, etc.), the bald eagle has done a number of other jobs.

For example, the bald eagle carries the prayers of many Plains Indian tribes. It serves as press secretary for the Kwakwaka’wakw people. It briefly toured with Waka Flocka Flame. It buys particular brands of cigarettes so the other people in the store will want to follow suit.

What if it fought a bear?

We’re presupposing a horribly unpatriotic bear. At any rate, the bald eagle’s got this.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

An intelligent bird! A remarkable bird! It’s a pleasure rating it. It’s twice the size of Tiny Tim!

 

9.5/10

 

 

*That one’s true.

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