Tag Archives: Alfred E. Neuman

Great white shark

Great white shark

Many fear it. All respect it. Discovery Channel executives have a religio-sexual obsession with it. It is… the great white shark.


Shh, here he comes!

Special powers

The great white shark can smell blood from incredible distances, allowing it to hone in on easy prey, blood banks, and vampires.* Upon finding its food/demonic victim, the great white exercises tremendous biting power – enough to chew through all kinds of phone books.

Furthermore, the shark is seemingly resistant to cancer. What now, cancer? What now?


The great white shark can take on many watercraft, but not a sufficiently big boat. Even though it can destroy phone books, it can not provide motivational speeches.

Number of legs


Surfacing habits

The great white shark makes a habit of poking its head out of the water. Many assume this is out of curiosity, but it’s actually a matter of the great white being among the friendliest and most diplomatic of all sea creatures.

Really great white shark


The shark and New York

I trust you are familiar with New York, The Big Easy? Most people have heard of it now, thanks to the popularity of MAD MEN, a television drama set there which tells the tale of Alfred E. Neuman (Jon Hamm) founding a hard-hitting news magazine.

Mad Magazine Men

“What – me worry?”

One of New York’s most famous avenues is Broadway, also known as the Great White Way. Perhaps you have wondered where it got that name. Well, let me tell you. Please. Stop fighting and just let me do this.

Ahem. The great white was one of Broadway’s earliest and greatest stars. It was the first marine animal to break into the world of major plays – and the last until Mandy Patinkin came along.** The theatre community was so devastated when the great white retired to return to oceanic predation/vampire-slaying, it nicknamed their most beloved street in the shark’s honor.

What if it fought a bear?

It’d tear the bear apart. The shark hates that guy.

Is it noble?


Final rating

The great white shark is a terrible and amazing beast, one of the top predators on the globe, and an ambassador to land and sky. And if you were lucky enough to see the great white on stage, you know what acting chops it has. Plus, I have to give it to anyone who stands up to cancer, who if you’ll pardon my language is a J-E-R-K.





*The great white is one of the most prolific slayers in the animal kingdom, after the human, the Reaper, and the stake-toothed tiger.

**You can barely even tell he has gills; Patinkin is such a chameleon on stage.

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