Tag Archives: ALF



When a horse refuses to grow up, it becomes a pony. There are many reasons this could happen, including societal pressures, the influence of Peter Pan, or a trainer pressing B during the evolution animation.

Whatever the case, the pony has its own vibe, and is worth discussing on its own merits and failings. For example, the horse has extremely poor instincts when it comes to clothing choices.

a horse in space clothing

“I think I look fine,” it said like an idiot.

By contrast, the pony is a real fashion plate.

Shetland ponies in sweaters

They look good and you know it.

As a special treat for our readers, I now turn it over to the pony for some timely fashion tips:

“Thank you, human Nathan.

Readers, it is almost winter. All fall, the trend has been earth tones and wind tones. The new colors of the season are green and ultraviolet. Be sure to also wear patterns for the winter: polka dots will let heat escape. Trap it in with the interlocking squares of a plaid. That’s not just fashion; that’s science. Trust me. I’m the pony.”

Special powers

Pound for pound, the Shetland pony is stronger than any horse, or as it puts it, “PONY STRONGEST THERE IS! PONY SMASH!”

It no longer ages.


The pony is constantly beset by its rival in the fashion world, the Japanese macaque. Try as the pony might, it cannot escape that monkey.

remember the internet monkey?

It looks good and you know it.

Its eternal youth means it is eternally kind of snotty.

Number of legs


Online presence

The pony has exactly one Yelp review, of a music venue. It reads, in its entirety, “It was just a bunch of human men with instruments, not a train at all. I give this concert zero stars.”

Celebrity birthdays

The pony shares a birthday with…

  • Tom Hanks, who loves to play Tom Hands, a game of his own design

  • ALF, which is not really his name, but an acronym short for Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms

  • Benedict Arnold, a blacksmith who had to explain no, he’s not that one so many, many times.

Shots fired at the Wikipedia page for Shetland pony

“American Shetland Ponies are more refined than the traditional Shetland.”

You know where you are right now, traditional Shetland? You’re on blast, and some American Shetland-loving Wiki user just put you there.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear has no chance against the pony’s strength and low center of gravity.

Is it noble?


Final rating

No matter what year it is, the forever-young pony hasn’t heard of the good music thing you like from several years ago. This, as we all know, is the worst sin anyone can commit. But dang if it doesn’t look good.

pony in human shoes

Accessorize sparingly, but boldly.





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Let’s make one thing clear up front. The catfish is not a cat.


I mean, yeah, they both have barbels, but almost everything else is different.

The catfish is, like the antlion or flycatcher or woodpecker or elephant seal, named after its preferred prey. There is nothing the catfish enjoys more than slurping down a delicious calico.

Special powers

The catfish’s spines may be stiffened in order to sting its enemies with a certain substance.


Unfortunately for the catfish, that substance is V8, so while it can be damaging if injected in a vein, the catfish’s foe can foil its attacks just by opening its mouth at the right time.

The catfish is a bottom feeder. There’s no shame in that, but I’m kidding; there is vast shame in that. To facilitate its disgusting behavior, the catfish is negatively buoyant, which has “negative” right in the name.

Number of legs


Timing of national days

National Catfish Day is observed on June 25, as standardized by the 1987 order of the United States government. Before then, its exact location on the calendar varied from region to region and even town to town.

Ronald Reagan

“Yo doggs, we gotta get our —- together on this Catfish Day issue.”

You may wonder why I am not posting this closer to National Catfish Day. The answer is that I prefer to celebrate it privately.


There are numerous different kinds of catfish. These include:

  • Armored catfish, a catfish covered in chainmail. It loves renaissance faires and unnecessary additions of the letter “e.”
  • Talking catfish, a kind of armored catfish. The only aquatic life who can be understood to ordinary individuals (see Electric eel), provided they speak Esperanto.
  • Naked catfish, a sex offender.
  • Electric catfish, who is exactly like the standard catfish, except it must carry an amp with it wherever it goes.
  • Mekong giant catfish, a catfish from Skull Island.
  • Aristotle’s catfish, the catfish who was Aristotle’s closest confidante. It’s said by some that Aristotle’s catfish was the true philosopher, and the Greek human was merely its public face. Roland Emmerich told this story by way of allegory in the 2011 film Anonymous.
  • Sucker catfish, the ugliest and most gullible of all catfish.
  • Bullhead catfish, the result of a catfish breeding with a minotaur
  • Catfish Collins, Bootsy Collins’ older brother.

Is it kosher?

Not yet, but the catfish is actively training and petitioning.

What if it fought a bear?

All the bear has to do is unplug it or trick it or pull its chainmail over its head. Only exception is the bullhead catfish, with its mighty horns.

Is it noble?


Final rating

It’s a gross bottom-feeding weirdo who eats cats. But so was ALF, and he took America by storm. However, we were decidedly less amused when he decided to take America by force.

ALF threatens Earth

“Come to me, Superman! I defy you! Come and kneel before ALF!”

The catfish: potential threat, definite Cajun-spiced delight.



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