Tag Archives: a very One Direction Sweet 16

Elephant

Elephant

You forgot to vote this week. Yeah, that was this week. You missed out on a totally free sticker. The elephant is disappointed in you.

So it says

It’s not mad.

The elephant is highly invested in the political process. Political cartoonists and logo designers have used it as a symbol of the United States Republican Party, but its actual views are much more diverse. It has cycled through a number of third parties in search of one that fully captures its unique opinions. To this end, it has been involved in the Bull Moose Party, the Hen Buffalo Party, the Brunch Party, the Plutocrats, the Aristocats, M.O.P., #TeamBreezy, the Baseball Furies, a group of hobos led by Brother Soupcon, and the Super Sweet Sixteen Party. It is currently registered as an Independent.

Special powers

Every study about the elephant is about its gentle artist’s soul and how emotionally supportive it is. The elephant went to therapy and learned to paint, so now it thinks it knows everything about relationships. Do not ask the elephant for advice. It might be pretty good, but it’s not worth the tone.

The elephant has a trunk capable of taking in and spraying out water. It can also be used to grab things and play pranks on Kate Capshaw or anyone within one standard deviation of Kate Capshaw.

The elephant has tusks, which are oversized incisor teeth, and don’t you feel less comfortable about them now?

It can sleep standing up or lying down, so it’s got options.

it can be hard to get comfortable

Maybe too many options.

Weaknesses

The elephant is susceptible to floppy trunk syndrome, one of the most adorably named forms of paralysis of all time.

Number of legs

Four

Other ratings of the elephant

“The elephant SAYS it’s working for regular pachyderms. But the TRUTH is it’s in the INCREDIBLY LARGE POCKET of BIG PEANUT.” – anti-elephant attack ad, paid for by a series of nested shell corporations

“Loser loser, chicken dinner. The elephant is both ON the hook and ON the chain.” – Guy Fieri

“Is the elephant good? Yes! But is it elite? Without a championship on its resume, I don’t think I can say it is.” – Jay Bilas

“The female has a well-developed clitoris at up to 40 cm (16 in).” – Wikipedia

What’s its astrological sign?

Cappadonna.

Military usage

The elephant was used for wars because it was “nature’s tank, which is a comparison we will understand once the tank is invented.”

What if it fought a bear?

Well, have you ever heard a song called “War Bear?” Would you like to? Here’s my demo tape. But to answer the question at hand, elephant wins.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The elephant may not have found a political identity that fits it yet, but there’s no need to put its stances in a box. What would you even do with the box once you had it? Commit an Operation Dumbo Drop? No one wants that. What we should want is to spend some time in the company of the sweet-natured elephant.

It kind of is in the pocket of Big Peanut though.

 

 

8/10

Thanks for coming

Bye now!

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Chicken

Chicken

Reviewing the chicken feels almost pointless.

chicken

You know this already.

Werner Herzog, the director of such films as Grizzly Man, Rescue Dawn Under[1] and Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, has given the definitive word on chickens.

It’s true. They are incredibly stupid. They are mad easy to hypnotize. They also vastly outnumber humans on Earth, so I should give them their due time. No less and NO MORE.

Special powers

The chicken is renowned for its pecking ability. Flocks will form “pecking orders” by which social status is derived from pecking skill and the annual draft, with occasional trades.

And of course, it is the closest living relative to T. Rex, so it can borrow money from it if need be.

Weaknesses

Its name is synonymous with “coward” due to its extreme cowardice.

The Year of the Rooster was supposed to be 1993, but then its girlfriend broke up with it and it tore its ACL.

Number of legs

Two, plus wings.

Morning routine

The male chicken (rooster to its friends) starts every single day crowing loudly at dawn in order to express its hatred of the arriving sun. It then proceeds to eat breakfast, read its horoscope, and stare longingly at the toothbrush the toothless bird will never be able to use.

rooster

Notice the crest of flesh on its head called a cockscomb.[2]

Eternal questions

The chicken or the egg – which crossed the road first? We may never know.

Oldest age reached

According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the oldest chicken ever lived to 16 years of age, only to die of a heart attack when she saw that her parents had booked One Direction for her Sweet 16 party. But keep in mind that those guys are usually drunk on Irish stout.

What if it fought a bear?

Did you see Grizzly Man?

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Chicken, you are so dumb. I ought to hypnotize you right now, just because you don’t deserve to not be hypnotized.

On the other hand? Delicious.

 

4/10

 

 

 

[1]Starring Steve Zahn as Bernard and Christian Bale as Miss Bianca.

[2]Ask your local Spencer Gifts for more information.

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