Tag Archives: a dracula



We have learned in this blog, that if it looks like a dracula, walks like a dracula, and talks like a dracula, it’s probably a dracula.


But not all draculas are so unsubtle. Some hide their vampiric ways in the body of a teddy bear. Well, just one runs that particular scam, really, and its name is the wombat.

What is a wombat?

What is a wombat? An adorable pile of dracula traits.

Special powers

The wombat has a special advantage against potential slayers in that it lacks a neck, leaving little opportunity for beheadings.

Its incisors never stop growing. It is only through the wombat trying to sink its fangs into tough plants, rocks and personal belongings that they are ever worn down.


It is not great at figuring out what things have blood.

Also, wooden stakes, silver, sunlight, garlic, and Little Debbie brand snack cakes.

Number of legs



The wombat is something of a restless spirit. It has lived in Transylvania, Hanselvania, Castlevania, Anselvania Adams, Wrestlevania and Australia. After college, it backpacked around Maryland in a misguided attempt to be different from its peers.

The wombat was not born with this love of travel, though. For five solid months, the wombat remained confined not just to its birthplace, not just to its home, not just to a room or basement, but to its mother’s pouch. Millennials, am I right?

What if it fought a man in brown shorts?

The wombat has a fierce and undying hatred of men in brown shorts, and it will never quit. The wombat is the number one cause of death among UPS drivers.

What if it fought a bear?

What is a bear? A miserable pile of brown shorts.

Is it noble?


Final rating

In general, I am pro-UPS driver, at least as far as not wanting them to die. The wombat is a wonderful combination of danger and cuddliness, but I can not endorse its bigotry and murders. For those, I must dock it half a point.




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Vampire bat

Vampire bat

In this creepiest of months, I have rated animals famously associated with monsters and merely named like them. But now we reach the vampire bat.

I know what you’re thinking. We’ve all heard the rumors, the late night campfire stories. But they’re not true. Let me tell you the truth:

Yep, it’s a dracula.

You’ve heard that it’s not a dracula – that it’s just an animal that happens to drink blood and come out at night and fly through the air and be vulnerable to wooden stakes and never cross running water. But come on, guys. We aren’t talking about a big bag of coincidences. We’re talking about a big bag of being a dracula.

vampire bat being a dracula

A dracula.

Special powers

The vampire bat is incredibly well-equipped to locate its blood-having prey. It can detect infrared radiation in order to sense your body heat. It can hear your heartbeat. It can smell your fear. It can see your secrets. It can taste your shame.

And it is judgy.


Wooden stakes. Silver. Sunlight. Garlic. The New York Times Sunday crossword.

Number of legs

Two, plus wings.


The vampire bat has made many enemies over the centuries, many of which are very famous in their own right. They include California youth Buffy Summers, tax evader Blade, theater-lover Abraham Lincoln, Hillbilly Handfishin’ superfan Alucard, and – since 1897 – Van Halen.

Van Halen '84

They once ran the bat over with the car from “Panama.”

Fierceness factor

Very high.


Haven’t you been paying attention? Your blood! It wants your blood!

vampire hat curses the moon, the sun, the stars

“BLOOOOD,” it screams to the heavens.

What if it fought a bear?

We have to make sure that these two never meet. The broad-shouldered bear is not great at fighting things on its neck. And what if the vampire bat turned it? Is America ready for an immortal, flying bear? Is the world? I don’t think so.

Is it noble?


Final rating

I don’t support draculas. I believe my record shows that. That said, I have to respect how good at being a dracula this one is. But seriously, quit tasting my shame!




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