Category Archives: nightmare beasts

Slug

Slug

It’s the sea slug of the land. It’s the naked snail. But what is it on its own terms?

It's slug!

It’s slug!

Well, yes, it’s slug.

Special powers

Anyone who witnesses the slug making love will become unable to eat or sleep for an extended period of time. The physical effects are temporary, but the psychological damage is forever.

Weaknesses

As the slug grows up, it undergoes a rite of passage known as torsion, in which its gut-parts up and move to the other side of its innards, moving its anus to up above its head for no readily apparent reason. I blame the impossible anus-on-head standards in the slug magazines and TV shows.

Also, it gets dangerously dry if it neglects to moisturize or is exposed to its kryptonite, salt.

Number of legs

None.

Drink of choice

The slug specifically loves Coke at McDonald’s, but risks its life to even enter given the mass quantities of salt found there. Also, people aren’t usually happy to see it at any eatery.

What if it fought a bear?

Advantage bear.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The slug’s weakness is embarrassingly common. Any chump within thirty feet of a kitchen can be its Lex Luthor. I’d be tempted to do just that, but I know that killing it won’t erase the memories of its sex tape from my mind. Nothing but my own death will – and that’ll take a lot more salt.

 

 

 

4/10

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Terror bird

Terror bird

It is more properly known as the phorusrhacid, but those who met it[1] knew it by another name: terror bird.

artist's interpretation

Its mom called it Elroy (she always preferred its middle name).

Special powers

The terror bird walked South America millions of years ago on big ol’ talons. It stood two or three meters tall, making it a very big boy. It would grab prey in its huge beak and smash it against the ground until it would stop moving. This technique is practiced today by the roadrunner[2] and Rob Lowe.

This is the terror bird's skull next to some keys. Have fun thinking about how big this thing was!

This is the terror bird’s skull next to some keys. Have fun thinking about how big this thing was!

Oh, and also it instilled terror in its foes with its demonic powers it learned from a correspondence course.

Weaknesses

It couldn’t fly.

It also couldn’t look in a mirror without accidentally terrifying itself, so its wigs were frequently askew.

Number of legs

Two.

Who terrifies the terror bird?

I don’t know, God I guess.

Fierceness factor

100%.

Reason for extinction

Stunted too hard on a crotch rocket.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear has not often known fear, but the terror bird could fix that.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The terror bird lives up to its name just on pure physicality, before you factor in the dark arts. It just had terrible decision-making.

 

8.5/10

 

 

 

[1]And those who don’t have a trophy room dedicated to commemorating their spelling bee triumphs.

[2]“Meep meep” translates roughly to “My thirst for blood shall soon be slaked.”

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Goblin shark

Goblin shark

When a shark and a goblin love each other very much, they contract a mad scientist to create an unholy hybrid known as the goblin shark.

add me to your five! :^{}

This is its MySpace picture.

Special powers

The goblin shark’s mouth is a horrifying nightmare weapon, filled with crazy teeth and able to leap forward and snatch prey.

noooooo

No no no no no no no

It is a real good swimmer.

Weaknesses

The goblin shark is weak against exosuit cargo-loaders. It used to have vulnerabilities to torches and pitchforks, but it has since removed those flaws.

Number of legs

None.

Favorite video game

It has eaten four separate copies of Ecco the Dolphin.

Celebrity birthdays

As the goblin shark was not literally born, the goblin shark does not have a birthday per se. But on the day its body was given animation, these celebrities were born by natural means:

  • Bruce Willis, an American actor who portrayed Unbreakable in the film Unbreakable

  • The Panda’s Accomplice, an athlete in the Chinese Basketball Association

  • Jimmie “The Beast” Foxx, the baseball player who first realized he could double his chances of hitting pitches by using two bats

What if it fought a bear?

The bear eschews most advanced technology, including exosuit cargo-loaders. The goblin shark would defeat it.

Is it noble?

Half.

Final rating

The goblin shark’s goblin half may – may – be balanced by its shark side. But as a creation of mad science, it has no soul. Its MySpace bio makes that much clear.

 

 

2.5/10

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Horseshoe crab

Horseshoe crab

Of all those who purport to have legitimate claims to the crab throne, the horseshoe crab‘s pretending is the most egregious. The horseshoe crab, you see, is no crab at all.

horseshoe crab photoshoot

FRAUD

The horseshoe crab is more closely related to the spider, scorpion and xenomorph than any true crab. Still it persists in making plays to establish itself as the crab king.

Special powers

And it has the weaponry to support its campaign. The horseshoe crab’s whole body is covered in a firm leathery carapace. It can use its tail to flip itself back over when upside-down, giving it an instant advantage in BattleBot matches. The horseshoe crab isn’t technically a robot any more than it is a crab, but it hasn’t let that stop it from entering.

Weaknesses

It failed to avoid the Noid.

Number of legs

Ten.

Is its mouth somewhere weird?

Yes, in the middle of all its creepy legs.

horseshoe crab: the view from below

Sweet dreams!

What if it fought a bear?

The bear is just one beast. The horseshoe crab has an army. Oh, I’m sorry; did I not mention the army earlier? It has one.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The horseshoe crab is not crab. It’s not horseshoe. I doubt it’s of this earthly realm. I am thankful its ambitions are limited to the crab kingdom for now, but the crabs can only squabble over their oceanic throne for so long. Eventually, the horseshoe crab’s attentions could be drawn elsewhere. And when that time comes, not even flipping it over will save us.

_

_

8/10

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Cock-of-the-rock

Cock-of-the-rock

The cock-of-the-rock isn’t a household name, not even in the silliest, most rhyme-loving of houses. You may recognize its face, however, from your nightmares:

Andean cock-of-the-rock

“I’m back…for your soul.”

There are two kinds of cock-of-the-rock: Andean and Guianan. A third species was announced in 1992, but has been delayed over and over ever since. It’s the Chinese Democracy of birds, except that actually came out. It’s the Duke Nukem Forever of birds. Well, that came out too. It’s the Detox of birds. Are we good? Is that comparison good?[1]

Special powers

The cock-of-the-rock is notable for the prominent crest on its head and the fact that its unblinking eye sees every iniquity you thought was secret.

Weaknesses

We’re still waiting for that third species, cock-of-the-rock. At least Dre has released some headphones and taken up supervillainy, you know?

Dr. Dre

Protective equipment is the only thing between him and those blinding beats.

Number of legs

Two.

Do I own a Beanie Baby of it?

Only in my worst nightmares.

Etymology

Cock-of-the-rock is, to put it lightly, a unique name. It raises so many questions, only a few of which can be voiced in polite company. No one is quite sure why the bird is so called, but its favorite band is The Darkness, so one kinda wonders if that’s connected.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear is already prone to madness; the sight of the cock-of-the-rock would send it over the edge.

Is it noble?

No.

God help us, no.

Final rating

The cock-of-the-rock has seen your sins. It has tasted your lies and found them sweet. It’s possible to avoid it, of course. All you have to do is just never sleep again.

Guianan cock-of-the-rock

Never again.

aaaaaaaahhhhh

Not even once.

 

2/10

 

 

 

[1]Yeah, we’re good.

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