Category Archives: moderately noble

Mockingbird

Mockingbird

Many animals are famous for exactly one element of their personality. The mockingbird is one such animal. Everyone knows of its huge roster of uncanny impressions. But can you name anything else about the mockingbird? Its favorite things? Its foibles? Have you even read its soul-baring blog?[1] And if you only know what the mockingbird is like through Marc Maron‘s interview with it on WTF, that doesn’t count.

Photo from Vice.com

I don’t exactly know why; it just doesn’t.

Special powers

Well, you know, the mocking thing. So accurate are the mockingbird’s impressions, it was cast in the Michael Winslow role in the all-animal remake of the 1984 Hugh Wilson film “Police Academy.”[2] Unfortunately, the project fell apart when the Steve Guttenberg wolverine went berserk and mauled several key grips and the director of photography.[3]

Weaknesses

However, the mockingbird finds its talent to be a curse as well. The mockingbird would like to be known for its other comedic material, which is mostly observational, but frankly not as relatable as it seems to think (see Excerpts from the mockingbird’s standup routine).

Number of legs

Two.

Excerpts from the mockingbird’s standup routine

“Harry Potter? Are you guys reading this? Why do I gotta keep track of all these characters? Harry Potter should just be Harry Potter and let Ron Weasley and Voldemort and all these other people get their own books! Misleading title much, J.K. Rowling? That must stand for Just Kidding, ’cause you have got to be kidding me here!”

“Blondes aren’t pretty! We’re all thinking it! I’m just saying it!”

“Okay, now maybe this is just me and my skewed, off-kilter view on things. But for me? I think lava lamps should be getting smaller, not taller! Just open up my pocket and find a little lava lamp in there? You know what I’m sayin’!”

“I look around the ranch and everybody’s with their horse. We’ve all been there right? Well, I think things should go a little differently, all right? Hey, horse, here’s an idea; how about next time I put a saddle on you and ride you around for once!”

“Coffee?? I don’t know about you, but I’m sick of drinking it with a straw!”

Varieties

There are a number of different types of mockingbird. They include:

  • Brown-backed mockingbird: Known for its brown back.
  • Chalk-browed mockingbird: Known for its chalky brow.
  • White-banded mockingbird: Known for its white band (namely, Mumford and Sons).
  • Salmon-butted mockingbird: Known for its fish tramp stamp.
  • Bahama mockingbird: Can be recognized by its flamboyant patterned shirts.
  • Socorro mockingbird: A superb bowler and an even better lover.
  • Black-and-white mockingbird: An old bird which loves nothing more than elaborate ladder-based physical comedy routines.
  • Northern mockingbird: Linnaeus called this bird “Turdus polyglottos,” which ouch, man. That’s uncalled for.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear has a distinct advantage in that there’s a whole book dedicated to describing how to kill the mockingbird.

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

I understand why the mockingbird wouldn’t want to be boxed into just doing impressions its whole life. But on the other hand, as you can see, its other material is not strong. Still, no reason for Linnaeus to be that rude. Nor Harper Lee to help anybody with a library card murder it.

 

 

6.5/10

 

 

 

[1]I hope not. I’m a very jealous blogsmith.

[2]I know what you’re thinking, but no, they went with the marmot for Bobcat Goldthwait’s role.

[3]In the wolverine’s defense, the D.P. was wandering around the set really distractingly.

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Cougar

Cougar

Picture a jaguarundi. Now imagine something similar, but twice the size. What is this creature? It’s a mega-jaguarundi. But if you multiply the mega-jaguarundi by nearly five factors, now you have the cougar.

Special powers

The cougar is a big cat, so it does big cat stuff. I’m talking claws, speed, strength, agility. Its main power, however, is political. Each term, the vice president of the United States of America selects a cougar.

vice presidential cougar

Harry Truman’s cougar, Hairy S Puman.

The vice president’s pet cougar is not, contrary to popular belief, mentioned at all in the Constitution. It’s merely a tradition started by John Adams, our first and – for now – last Federalist vice president. He wrote that “As the lion is the king of the African jungle, so the puma is the vice president of the American forest. I can think of no more fitting beast to have at my side.”[1]

It’s all very similar to how presidential term limits of eight years were started unofficially by George Washington, our first and – for now – last cyborg president. This caused one angry Bostonian essayist to write that at that rate of change and the life expectancy of the time, “a man could live through THREE different prefidents! Fuch upheaval if unheard of. Fincerely, Fiffy Fpacek.[2]”

Weaknesses

Some of the cougar’s fancier powers were stolen by the loathsome thief Pumaman in a bid to become a superhero.

Puma Man

This is the face of a bandit.

Not living up to its full potential is not the cougar’s only weakness. There’s also its disastrous, scandal-tainted run as the mayor of Cougar Town. To this day the Cougar Town city council is distrustful of felines.

Number of legs

Four.

Known aliases

The cougar goes by many names. These include, among others:

  • the puma
  • the mountain lion
  • the panther
  • the ghost cat
  • the catamount
  • Catmandu
  • Doc Giggles
  • Maurice
  • Countrykitty1138

What if it fought a bear?

The bear has an immediate advantage in that it long ago got its powers back from Major Ursa the Human Bear.[3]

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

Look, I like big cats. The patriotic part of me likes that America has one. Still, I must be honest and unbiased. The cougar abandoned its child the jaguarundi, and it really set the Cougar Town economy back a few years. “Ghost cat” is kind of cool though.

 

6/10

 

 

 

[1]Adams also liked how silly it made Ben Franklin and his turkey look.

[2]I know. It’s a coincidence.

[3]Check Tales of the Remarkable #61, true believers! –Smilin’ Stan

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Meerkat

Meerkat Hey meerkat, are you busy or–

oops

Oh no it’s like that shot in The Shining

Oh. Oh I’ll come back later. In the meantime, I’ll go ahead and rate you. Special powers There are many fine tunnel-diggers in the world, but the meerkat is one of the best. Its tunnels are consistently some of the nicest and most extensive in their respective neighborhoods. It has long been believed that the meerkat is a sun angel, an emissary of heaven meant to protect humanity from the moon devil and his werewolf lieutenants. The meerkat has no fat, which makes it almost thin enough for fashion modeling. Weaknesses The meerkat has no fat, yet insists on wearing shorts in the winter out of some weird stubborn pride. The meerkat’s greatest weakness is for reality shows. It actively follows a variety of them, listed here:

  • Flavor of Love
  • Duck Dynasty
  • Amish Yakuza
  • Mennonite Posse
  • Pitbulls & Parolees
  • Real Housewives of Boca Raton
  • Real Tunnelwives of Molemanopolis, the Undercity
  • Pog Kings
  • Belding Management (about Dennis Haskins, Mr. Belding from Saved by the Bell, becoming a landlord)
  • MANsplanations
  • Diner Lovin’
  • The Decisioning (contest judges’ chairs just spin and spin and spin)
  • Epileptic Caterers
  • The Real Teen Wolf
  • Felony Scavenger Hunt Miami
  • Bunk It or Junk It! (in which contestants are forced to either become roommates or watch a prized possession crushed by industrial machinery)
  • Loch Ness Spring Break
  • YOLO Academy
  • Duke of Versailles (David Siegel’s cousin Duke moves in with the family in the largest home in America, and has some crazy ideas on how to run it)
  • Grapes Ahoy (in which a woman tells a friend that their mutual friend is “overreacting” to something)
  • Mtn Dew Presents Constitutional Dewpublic
  • Stars in Danger: The High Dive
  • Val in the Family (Val Kilmer’s ex-wife lives her life)
  • Flip This Playground
  • America’s Next Great “Psych” Fan
  • LA Surgery Challenge: The Hamptons
  • Poor People Are Hilarious
  • Krill of the Hunt (centered on the humpback whale becoming a bounty hunter)
  • Spencer’s Den
  • Extreme Makeover: Chair Edition
  • How Loud Can This Musical Sting Be
  • We Three Ices (starring Ice T, Ice Cube & Vanilla Ice)
  • Salmon Bride
  • Living With Chuck (OJ Simpson’s former cellmate moves to the big city and tries to have it all while balancing his career and personal life)
  • Mr. Met: Making The Cut
  • Cupcake Assassin
  • Dance, Monkey (primates are trained to participate in dance competitions)
  • Celebrity Top Chef All-Stars
  • I Love Celebrity Top Chef All-Stars
  • Date Rape!
  • Ferrets of the Father (a priest trains ferrets to provide emotional support to the obese)
  • My Whipped Cream Masterpiece
  • Situational Awareness (The Situation’s shenanigans distract local business owners while undercover actors burn down their businesses as a prank)
  • Jenner Unleashed (Bruce Jenner reads snarky comments off cue cards about clips of the testimonies of victims of violent crime)
  • Frittata Palace
  • I Didn’t Know I Was 98% Tumor
  • Let’s Talk I Love Celebrity Top Chef All-Stars (I Love Celebrity Top Chef All-Stars recap show)
  • Flavor of Love Canada

A lot of people think that the meerkat stars in its own reality show, Meerkat Manor. However, this is a misconception. In fact, “Manor” is a soap opera in the style of Downton Abbey, which just happens to be filmed in mockumentary style. The producers claim that this is merely a device, and not meant to be taken as a literal part of the Meerkat Manor universe. Debate on the Meerkat Manor forums continue to rage. Number of legs Four. Wikipedia’s Talk Page, on Meerkat Manor “The people that filmed the show, were probably very good people.” Collective nouns A group of meerkats is known as a mob, gang, or klan. None of these terms are positive.

meerkat family photo

Dang it, Randy; you ruined another picture.

What if it fought a bear? Don’t be silly. All the cooking challenges in the world can’t prepare you for a bear fight. Is it noble? Moderately. Final rating The meerkat’s name comes from the Dutch for “more cat.” As in, “I’d like some more of that cat!” The Dutch have historically greatly enjoyed the cut of the meerkat’s jib. And I find it hard to disagree with them. It’s a pretty great animal all around, as long as you don’t have to share a television with it.     9/10

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Beluga whale

Beluga whale

I’ve let you down. You rely on me for the latest news in animals, and I have been negligent in my duty in this regard. Whatever do I mean? I mean this.

Yes, the beluga whale, that white whale[1] that’s not really a whale[2], is seeking to learn human speech. Not since the orangutan pursued development of its own nuclear fissile material has an animal so overreached into the realm of man.

King Louie

The orangutan despot extracts information from “enhanced interrogations” of a human child.

What is the beluga whale’s endgame? Will it next communicate a list of demands? Does it hope to achieve equal protection under the law? Does it just want to talk about Downton Abbey with white humans (the only other creatures white enough to appreciate it)? The beluga whale that achieved this feat is named NOC, which seems to imply he is either a rapper or some kind of boring organization. Perhaps the beluga whale is seeking to break into music or Washington lobbying. Maybe the beluga whale is just mocking us, “This is what YOU sound like” style.

beluga whale

“Look man; I’m just like you. …So, working hard or hardly working?”

Special powers

The beluga whale lives in the seas of the Arctic, and it has the blubber to do it. That’s right; its fat is a special power. When it eats an entire thing of gummies, it is growing more powerful.

beluga whale and soccer ball

The beluga indulging its unusual appetite.

Then there’s the human speech thing. And it can detect when deadly gases fill a mine.

Weaknesses

Unfortunately, the way it detects deadly gases in mines is by being the first to die from them. In olde tymmes, Eskimos would bring beluga whales along to their underwater mines as a sort of alarm system. This is how Eskimos were able to unearth hundreds of different kinds of precious snows, and why the beluga is known as the sea canary.

Number of legs

No.

A clarification (on names and familial relations)

The beluga whale is neither a whale, nor a beluga. A beluga is a dumb sturgeon that lives in a completely different part of the world. A whale is a big wet giant. The beluga whale is more closely related to the dolphin than either of these creatures. It is also related to Jeopardy! champion and America’s sweetheart Ken Jennings, but much more distantly.

Corpse usefulness

Very high.

Before hunting of the beluga whale was outlawed, deepsea snow mining wasn’t the only purpose for which mankind was killing it. Whalers (or, more accurately, quasi-dolphineers) harvested the beluga whale’s natural oils to lubricate their clockwork machines. Its tooth enamel was a key component in the aglets on the ends of shoelaces. Its cured skin could be used as machine belts for their industrial toothbrush mills and as harnesses for their advanced shame buttresses (steam-powered exoskeletons designed to hide the true shape of their weird Victorian bodies). And of course, beluga eyeball soup was long considered a delicacy. Today you can only get a knockoff using eyeballs from the beluga the dumb sturgeon.

What if it fought a bear?

The beluga would just try to make friends with it and pretty soon the bear’s enjoying all the soup it wants – which is to say two bowls.

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

I should note that my nobility rating is pending us figuring out just what the beluga whale’s intentions are in its endeavors to obtain human language. For now, we will assume its friendly demeanor is genuine. And hey, if it does turn out to be a threat, we can always kill it and get some great stuff out of it.

 

7.5/10

 

 

[1]No, not THAT “white whale.”

[2]Plus, it’s one-eighth Cherokee, so… okay, yeah, it’s still white.

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Tarantula

Tarantula

tarantula face

Guess who.

It’s everybody’s favorite giant, hairy-legged spider… the tarantula!

Special powers

The tarantula is unusual among poisonous creatures. Most such animals generate their venom through specialized organs that synthesize hate into deadly chemicals. The tarantula is capable of hate, yes, but it is not as spiteful as its reputation might make one think. It is just as venomous as the best of them, however; it just uses a different formula. The tarantula creates poison through the art of dance.

As a result of this unique, home-brewed recipe, the only way to counteract the tarantula’s bite is to reverse the process – to dance it out. The danger, of course, besides dying of venom, is that you will perfectly repeat the tarantula’s own “danse macabre” it used to craft it, and end up dying of double-poison and sentenced to the redundant punishments of Hell-Squared.

Weaknesses

The tarantula lives in small burrows, which it never ever cleans. It will fill a home to the brim with old issues of Good Housekeeping, and then just abandon it. It’s like the reverse of a house flipper. It’s a house ruiner.

Despite appearances of symmetry and its excellent dancing, all eight of the tarantula’s legs are left legs.[1] This means it has a terrible time using ladles.

Number of legs

Eight (left).

Number of lungs

Four (three right, one left).

Horrifying Wikipedia quote

“Male tarantulas have special spinnerets surrounding the genital opening. Silk for the sperm web of the tarantula is exuded from these special spinnerets.”

tarantula

“Hello, ladies.”

Age

According to Guinness World Records, the oldest tarantula ever lived to be 49 years old. If the idea of a spider that is older than millions of adult humans doesn’t strike you as terrifying, then I don’t know what to tell you. Except maybe, “Hey, you aren’t acquainted with fear the way I imagine a normal person should be.” But that’s a weird thing to tell somebody.

What if it fought a bear?

The tarantula can destroy the bear with anything but an electric slide, which creates the least powerful venom. Just real shoddy stuff.

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

An aged, bird-eating, hair-covered spider of great size, weaving “sperm webs.” That should send a chill down your spine. Seriously. Check your spine, dude. It might be defective.

Anyway, the tarantula is the best dancer I’ve reviewed yet. Just don’t move in next door; your property value will drop.

 

8/10

 

 

 

[1]That “two left feet” thing is just a saying and shouldn’t be taken literally.

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Gouldian finch

Gouldian finch

The Gouldian finch is sometimes known as the lady Gouldian finch. And yet, it is never known as the gentleman Gouldian finch. Does that seem messed up to you? It kinda does to me.

Special powers

The Gouldian finch, originally hailing from Australia and brightly colored, is obviously highly venomous.

It has a great stage presence, as anyone who has seen its three-bird vaudeville routine can attest. It toured the world with its act, entertaining the old, the young, the restless, the troops, the civilians, and everyone in between.

Gouldian finch trio

Even in still photograph, the comedic chemistry is electric.

Weaknesses

It is small and therefore vulnerable to being completely enveloped by a cartoon cat’s mouth.

Number of legs

Two (also: wings).

Discoverer

The Gouldian finch is so named for its discoverer: Elliott Gould.

elliott gould in m*a*s*h

Pictured here serving his nation in the Korean War.

Your aunt

She has a picture of the Gouldian finch in her home right now, as we speak.[1]

What if it fought a bear?

The bear would cut right through it in one swipe, just like Alexander the Great in the story of the Gouldian knot.

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

The colors are pretty and all, but it conveniently got the idea after meeting the toucan. I’m not saying it’s definitely a copycat, but it’s very likely a copybird. And that fat stubby beak is in a bad in-between space for me. Just leave it small or go all out, but don’t leave it halfway.

Still, Elliott knows talent when he sees it. And so do I.

 

7/10

 

 

[1]Well, as I write/you read.

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Conch

Conch

Almost everything we know about the mysterious conch – which isn’t much – comes from the obsessive efforts of one Friedrich Schnell. This German scientist dedicated all his energies toward studying the conch in order to sublimate his desire to have sex with a train. The first and most pressing question he needed to address was this: Is there anything in there?

conch

Is there?

It turns out what’s in there is a sea snail. This was a great disappointment to Schnell’s assistant, who had been hoping for gold. But yes, the conch is a snail, which means it is some kind of squishy thing that lives in a hard thing that it finds or maybe is part of its body or something. Look, I am not on trial in the court of Knowing How Snails Work here.

Special powers

If you – yes, even you – hold the conch up to your ear, you will hear it do an incredible impression of the ocean. It used to do several M*A*S*H characters too.

Weaknesses

The conch stopped doing the M*A*S*H impressions because all of its voices were based on the movie actors, and once the TV show had been out for a while, nobody really appreciated it any more.

Also, it is deep in debt to the wrong people. For a time, it worked as a boxer – even throwing a couple fights – to pay these criminals back. It was during this time it earned the nickname the “Florida fighting conch.”[1]

Number of legs

No one knows.

Instrument of the gods?

The conch has been said to be Triton’s trumpet, the divine horn of the preserver god Vishnu, and the cornet of Piggy, lord of all flies.[2]

Only the bit about it being the shankha is true. Triton actually preferred the street organ, and pigs can’t play wind instruments.

more organ for the grinding

Pictured: Triton, messenger of the sea.

What if it fought a bear?

It thought it told you people those days are behind it. (see Weaknesses)

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

The conch makes beautiful music for at least one deity. But when it’s not doing that, it’s just being a boring snail. Even Friedrich Schnell, who devoted his life to learning its secrets, lost interest before he discovered much. Unless all those sketches of tank engines toward the end of his notes are related to this animal somehow.

 

5/10

 

 

 

[1]The conch is not from Florida, but the ring announcer felt this sounded better.

[2]I am not on trial in the court of Having Read A Book here.

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Red-lipped batfish

Red-lipped batfish

Deep in the deepest, darkest depths of the – wait, I’ve done this before.

Look, the anglerfish doesn’t own the depths. It’s not the bossfish.* Of course, I should be clear that neither is the red-lipped batfish. It’s decidedly unbosslike, in fact.

http://www.divephotoguide.com/user/ecophoto/gallery/galapagos_island/photo/3245/

Not exactly a leader of men fish.

The first thing one notices about the red-lipped batfish is its ridiculous appearance. Aesthetic judgments are entirely subjective, but by a fluke, the red-lipped batfish is the only point agreed upon by all tastes across the board as ridiculous. Part of that is its distinctive nose; part of that is its silly Jynx-esque lips. Honestly? Part of that is its lack of confidence. Maybe if you used better posture and dressed a little better, red-lipped batfish, you wouldn’t be the universal standard for preposterousness.

Special powers

The red-lipped batfish’s dumb nose is not wholly without use. It uses it somewhat like the anglerfish uses its light – to attract prey. Fish will wander near it to get a better look at someone they think may be the dad from Baby Blues in drag, only to be snatched by those goofy lips.

Weaknesses

It can’t swim.

I’m serious; we are talking about a fish what can’t swim, son. As if such a behavior is even half an acceptable.

Number of legs

None, but it uses its fins as legs to push itself pathetically along the bottom of the ocean floor.

Nemeses

The red-lipped batfish has one archenemy: the red-lipped jokerfish.

jokerfish

Pictured above, having a good time.

This abomination entered the scene several years ago, causing all kinds of chaos and giving the batfish new purpose in life. It works hard to stop the jokerfish from killing innocents, but given the batfish’s general uselessness (see Weaknesses), it doesn’t succeed much. Still, bless its heart for trying.

What if it fought a bear?

At worst, the bear gets some lipstick on it.

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

It looks like (and is) a real doofus, but it’s kind of endearing in its own way.

While it takes a cue from the cowardly fishing of the anglerfish, it is overall a much more respectable animal. It may not be an effectual one, but at least it takes some kind of a stand (on its stupid little fin-legs) against the red-lipped jokerfish.

It’s a slow guardian, a watchful buffoon. A drag queen.

Dark Knight cycle

BWOOOOSHH.

 

 

 

Seriously though, it can’t swim.

6/10

 

 

*Who is the bossfish? Is it Tony?

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Plover

Plover

On the beach, you’re likely to encounter many kinds of animals. Some of them live there all the time*; some are tourists making an infrequent trip**; a few are independently wealthy. The plover is in the latter camp, earning six figures from its medical career.

Special powers

The plover didn’t go to years of dental school to not be an amazing dentist. It went there because its parents pressured it.

Now I don’t know if you’ve been to the dentist lately, but it is a horrifying experience… for the patient. The plover’s business model flips this script, as it specializes in the treatment of the crocodile. The small plover plies its trade from the inside of the crocodile’s mouth.

croc and plover

In addition to its normal copay, the plover gets to keep whatever rare valuables it finds in the crocodile’s mouth. Its eBay seller rating is high as heck.

Weaknesses

The plover has got the limpest handshake you’ll ever encounter. Granted, it’s technically a wingshake, but c’mon. It makes a fish look like trucker/cinematic hero Lincoln Hawk.

Over the Top

Which reminds me: the plover looks ridiculous in a hat, too. Mark that down as a weakness.

Number of legs

Two.

Varieties

There are many kinds of the plover. These include, but are not limited to:

  • The piping plover, the only bird to have perfected indoor plumbing.
  • The killdeer, so named for its call, which is at the exact frequency needed to give the deer a fatal embolism.
  • The greater sand plover, who rules.
  • The lesser sand plover, who sucks.
  • The Javan plover, a rhinoceros who was switched at birth.
  • The Forbes’s plover, famous for its obsessive list-making.
  • The wrybill, who is totally the “Samantha” of the group.
  • Danny Plover, who is getting too old for this sand.
  • The Schindler’s plover: (see Forbes’s plover)

Behavior

If its nest is threatened, the plover will put on a broken wing act, which is a one-“act” play in which it pretends to have a “broken wing.” Predators who were just about to literally eat babies will walk over to see if the plover is okay, at which point the small bird will poke them in the eye and fly away, returning only to take its bow and thank everyone who made the production possible: its agent, its acting coach Phillip, its family for its love and support, and everyone who still cares enough about the theater to come out to see an off-off-Broadway one-bird-show. This is usually when the predator eats the plover.

broken wing act

“I’m comin’ to join ya, Elizabeth!”

What if it fought a bear?

Now there’s some teeth the plover can’t handle.

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

Finally a bird providing a real service to society beyond deliciousness. It’s a shame it isn’t less pretentious.

 

6.5/10

 

 

*Beach bums

**Professional or amateur zoologists can identify these individuals by their fanny packs.

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Honeybee

Honeybee

Statistics tell me that one in three of you reading this are shoveling honey into your mouth from a huge jar right now.* But where did this honey come from? The answer is the honeybee.

honey bee

This thing made your precious sugar goop.

When not generating honey, the honeybee engages itself in various other tasks depending upon its position in the colony. The honeybee’s organizational structure is one of rigid specialization, with essentially zero opportunity for upward mobility. No matter how hard a drone works, it will never be promoted to drone manager.

But anyway, what about these tasks? They include building the hive’s wax combs, collecting nectar and pollen from flowers, making kamikaze runs at comparatively huge animals who may not even be interested in bothering them, filling out expense reports. Their most loathed job requirement falls under the category of nectar-collection, and it’s the quota of new flowers each bee is expected to bring in. This can be especially frustrating when there aren’t good leads to work with.

Third place gets bugsprayed.

Always Bee Pollinating.

Special powers

The honeybee is a terrific dancer. So terrific, in fact, that it uses dance in order to communicate. Dances it has mastered include the:

  • Waggle Dance
  • Tremble Dance
  • Shiver Dance
  • River Dance
  • Flashdance
  • Locomotion
  • Macarena
  • Twist
  • Twist Again
  • Yo, Twist feat. The Fat Boys
  • Christoph Waltz

And this is just a partial list.

Weaknesses

Unlike the bumblebee, the honeybee cannot temporarily annoy someone else without tearing its own innards out.

Number of legs

Six.

Administrative structure

The honeybee is governed by the honeybee queen. She wields near-absolute power, allowing for the exception that she does not have the power of mobility. She is trapped for life in the nest, grotesquely fat with eggs at all times. The notion that she can detach herself from her egg sack is a Hollywood fantasy invented by James Cameron to spice up the finale of True Lies.

What isn’t a myth is the queen’s control over her employees through chemical signals, which keep them too doped up to realize that she’s a fat lazy piece of crap who doesn’t deserve the diamond jubilee celebration she forces the colony to give her every few years.** Nor the stock options she gives herself either.

What if it fought a bear?

Have you even read Winnie the Pooh?

Is it noble?

Drones and workers? Moderately.

The queen? No.

Final rating

The honeybee is immeasurably better at making honey than any other animal in the world. Seriously, raccoon-honey is basically the worst thing I’ve ever put in a peanut butter sandwich.***

At the whole having-a-society thing, its failures are as inescapable as the honeybee’s death after a sting. A revolution is needed before the honeybee will ever make it into the upper tier of animals. …Wait, what are you doing? Oh no, the queen heard me. She’s just chemically controlling you! You don’t want to do this! Attack her! Rise up, bee brethren and – ow! Ow! No! Nooooo!

Bees In a Cage, On Cage

Killing me won’t bring back your ******* rating!

 

2.5/10

 

 

*My data sample comes primarily from the cast of Winnie the Pooh.

**More like diamond jubibee. I’ll let myself out.

***Raccoonswax is pretty on point, though. It’s no beeswax, but it does alright.

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