Category Archives: marsupials

Quokka

Quokka

The quokka is the happiest, goest, and luckiest animal this side of the giraffe.

And it's easy to tell. [Pic Mogens Johansen, The West Australian 6/08/13]

And it’s easy to tell.
[Pic Mogens Johansen, The West Australian 6/08/13]

Special powers

The quokka has no fear of humans.

Weaknesses

The quokka has no fear of humans.

quokka3Number of legs

Four.

History

The quokka was one of the first Australian animals that Europeans encountered. They mistook it variously for a cat or a big rat. They had no idea the weirdness they were in for. The quokka is an introductory course compared to the other stuff Australia has to offer.

Do I own a Beanie Baby of it?

I wish.

What if it fought a bear?

It would likely be just as delighted with this development as the last.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

Look at that face.

Who can say “any lower than 6/10” to that face?

Who can say “any lower than 6/10” to that face?

 

8.5/10

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Wombat

Wombat

We have learned in this blog, that if it looks like a dracula, walks like a dracula, and talks like a dracula, it’s probably a dracula.

symphony_of_the_night_1

But not all draculas are so unsubtle. Some hide their vampiric ways in the body of a teddy bear. Well, just one runs that particular scam, really, and its name is the wombat.

What is a wombat?

What is a wombat? An adorable pile of dracula traits.

Special powers

The wombat has a special advantage against potential slayers in that it lacks a neck, leaving little opportunity for beheadings.

Its incisors never stop growing. It is only through the wombat trying to sink its fangs into tough plants, rocks and personal belongings that they are ever worn down.

Weaknesses

It is not great at figuring out what things have blood.

Also, wooden stakes, silver, sunlight, garlic, and Little Debbie brand snack cakes.

Number of legs

Four.

Home

The wombat is something of a restless spirit. It has lived in Transylvania, Hanselvania, Castlevania, Anselvania Adams, Wrestlevania and Australia. After college, it backpacked around Maryland in a misguided attempt to be different from its peers.

The wombat was not born with this love of travel, though. For five solid months, the wombat remained confined not just to its birthplace, not just to its home, not just to a room or basement, but to its mother’s pouch. Millennials, am I right?

What if it fought a man in brown shorts?

The wombat has a fierce and undying hatred of men in brown shorts, and it will never quit. The wombat is the number one cause of death among UPS drivers.

What if it fought a bear?

What is a bear? A miserable pile of brown shorts.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

In general, I am pro-UPS driver, at least as far as not wanting them to die. The wombat is a wonderful combination of danger and cuddliness, but I can not endorse its bigotry and murders. For those, I must dock it half a point.

 

 

9.5/10

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Tasmanian devil

Tasmanian devil

When you hear the name of today’s animal, you may think it is just a fictional cartoon invented by the Warner Brothers for profit[1], like Elmer Fudd or Johnny Depp. But no, unlike them, the Tasmanian devil is real.

Satan Is Real

Shenanigans.

And that’s the other misconception right there. The Tasmanian devil is not, strictly speaking, a devil. Does it receive a small commission for souls it has led to a certain circle of the underworld by its temptations? Yes. But it is simply a contractor for the actual demonic administration. The Tasmanian devil’s primary income still comes from its job hosting a travel show.

Special powers

The Tasmanian devil is undiscriminating in its consumption. It eats everything meat or meat-adjacent it can get its jaws around. That includes bones, fur, and any scarves or smart phones the deceased may have had on its person[2], up to forty percent of its own body weight in one sitting – forty-five if it’s Thanksgiving. All this makes the Tasmanian devil an unstoppable force in eating contests.

What fat the Tasmanian devil doesn’t work off just generally going nutso in its day-to-day is stored in its tail, leaving the Tasmanian devil’s torso as camera-ready as ever. It saves a ton on clothes never having to change sizes.

it can't drive

It bought that sweater in the first Bush administration.

Weaknesses

The Tasmanian devil was hunted nearly to extinction by farmers who blamed it for killing livestock. The accusations were false, and the Tasmanian devil dedicated itself to finding the real killer (OJ Simpson). In 1941 the local government made the devil a protected species, but poor wording meant this law protected all devils. And that is why Australia is home to more hellbeasts than any locale on Earth.[3]

It should also be noted that it’s got a chubby tail.

Number of legs

Four.

Professions

As mentioned above, the Tasmanian devil passes its time with contract work for Hell and its travel-themed cable program. In this show, the Tasmanian devil goes around the globe to try various small restaurants and devour anything vaguely food-like put in front of it. It has visited hundreds of eateries over the show’s three seasons of production.[4] Some of the Tasmanian devil’s favorites were:

  • Rosa’s
  • Alice’s Restaurant
  • Marconio’s
  • sqüeeze
  • Big Todd’s Belly Hut
  • Pork Squad
  • Panda Dragon Cuisine
  • A Taste of Ottawa
  • Alice’s Kitchen
  • El Esqueleto
  • The Sloppy Beagle
  • The Spangly Dowager
  • The Dourest Charlatan
  • Sportz ‘n’ Spoonz Bar & Grill
  • Dee Snyder Presents Back Seat
  • Alice’s Diner
  • Seattle Fish Market of P’yongyang
  • Crunch! Artisan Pretzel Donuts
  • Mucho Gusto
  • Cookies Cookies Cookies
  • The Sizzla in Manila
  • GD Ritzy’s
  • Gruntle House
  • Untitled (a hot dog cart in Stockholm)
  • Pizza Dojo
  • KFC Chang’s
  • Alice’s Foodtruck
  • Chilly’s (a Chili’s that lost its license)
  • The People’s Demilitarized Pancake Zone
  • Waffle Trough
  • Donny’s Buckets
  • You Catch ‘Em, We Fry ‘Em
  • Wattay International Airport Shake Shack
  • A Midsummer Night’s Tenderloin
  • Donair Shed
  • Stouffer’s LIVE!
  • State Route 37 (a road where the Tasmanian devil found some roadkill it really enjoyed)

Upsetting Wikipedia quote

“Devils are not monogamous, and their reproductive process is very robust and competitive.”

bow chikka etc

Think about that while you’re in bed tonight.

Favorite video game

Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2.

What if it fought a bear?

As much as the Tasmanian devil would relish the challenge of eating an entire dead bear, it would be quickly ended by a live one.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Just because you’re not a devil doesn’t make working for devils any more admirable – even part-time work. It runs a fun show, though.

 

 

6/10

 

 

 

 

 

[1]And to defeat the Monstars.

[2]Metaphorical person. It’s usually an animal.

[3]The top three is rounded out by that giant sinkhole in Guatemala and Detroit.

[4]Ignoring the unaired pilot where the Tasmanian devil’s role was filled by Craig Kilborn.

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Opossum

Opossum

Every animal has a role to play.

Well, most animals. I am excluding beasts like the loathsome tree frog. Take the giant panda. I’m really regretting giving it my number; just today it called and asked me if I wanted to “hit up the ‘gan’s for some T-bizzles!”[1] Frankly, this didn’t even make sense, given the panda’s exclusive consumption of Faygo.

But I’m getting off track. What I mean to say is that the giant panda is nature’s obnoxious juggalo. Similarly, the cow is nature’s hipster. And today’s animal is nature’s hobo – the opossum.

It travels from town to town with its busted-up top hat that looks like a broken soup can and its shoes made of broken soup cans. The opossum travels by rail, by hitchhiking, and by giant trebuchet. It even has a bindle built into its body in the form of a pouch.

Special powers

Beyond said pouch, the opossum has opposable foot-thumbs. Haven’t we all been going about our usual routine and wished we could pick something up with our foot and place it into a hands-free container? Yes. We have. Trust me on this one.

opossum

“Jealous?”

The opossum’s greatest strength comes from the moon. If you’ve ever seen the opossum at night, you’ve no doubt seen its eyes glow with moon-power. This is the time when the opossum is resistant to pit viper venom, surprisingly cunning, and as fast as a car[2]. And so, the opossum is free to commit its moon-crimes.

Also, it quickly recovers from rabies and death.

Weaknesses

Unfortunately, the opossum stone cold contracts rabies at least once a week. Worse than that, it dies frequently.

Beyond those problems, the opossum is sluggish and weak in the daylight, and its hat doesn’t do much of anything a hat should do.

Number of legs

Four.

Number of pouches

One.

Diet

The opossum eats any and all kinds of pie: Apple, raspberry, shoofly, shepherd’s, mulberry, booberry, frankenberry, oopsallberry, rhubarb, meat, pizza, pecan, key lime, vital lemon, crucial tangerine, and much more.

Horrifying Wikipedia quote

“Notably, the male opossum has a forked penis bearing twin glandes.”

Hilarious Wikipedia quote

“In an attempt to create another icon like the teddy bear, U.S. President William Howard Taft was tied to the character Billy Possum.[27][28] The character did not do well, as public perception of the opossum led to its downfall.”

What if it fought a bear?

It all depends on the position of the moon.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The opossum is many things depending on the time. Sometimes it’s dead; sometimes it’s super-powered; sometimes it’s just a train-hopping graffitiman. But it is always a pie-loving moon-criminal.

 

6/10

 

 

 

[1]“Visit the chain restaurant Logan’s Roadhouse to purchase and consume T-bone steaks

[2]Hence why they are often found on highways. Fast though the moon-powered opossum may be, it does not have the safety features of today’s automobiles.

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Kangaroo

Kangaroo

There is much to unravel with the kangaroo. To get at all the secrets its pouch conceals, we will have to go deep into the subject.

Captain Kangaroo

Captain Kangaroo

Captain Kangaroo

WE HAVE TO GO DEEPER

Captain Kangaroo

I N C A P T A I N

The kangaroo got its start with the kangaroo rat in the mean streets of London. There the two of them ran cons masterminded by the kangaroo rat, with the kangaroo acting largely as muscle. One of their favorites was to enter the kangaroo in boxing matches, only to manipulate the outcome through cheating or taking a fall. Honestly, though, the fact that any Londoner wanted to punch a kangaroo speaks ill of them.

Eventually, Scotland Yard got wise to one of the duo’s more elaborate schemes and arrested them. The plan called for them to ransom Big Ben’s hour hand, so it was probably doomed from the start. The kangaroo rat had started to sample hard drugs at that stage, and its masterminding was beginning to suffer.

And so, the kangaroo was exiled to Australia, where it found itself quite at home among fellow criminals and road warriors. In modern times, it is considered a pest by most, but it’s still on good terms with the road warriors.

Special powers

The kangaroo is an excellent boxer. Its special feet allow it to jump at great speeds and for long distances without tiring. Its pouch hides a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, which would blow your head clean off.

Weaknesses

It is not the sharpest. It went along with all the kangaroo rat’s plans, even the drug-addled, obviously dumb ones. This ties into another weakness it has: the inability to tell right from wrong.

Kangaroo

“Duhhhh, what’s morality?” That’s what you sound like, dummy.

Number of legs

Two, kind of. Kind of four. If three, your kangaroo may be injured.

Libelous statement on Wikipedia’s talk page

“This is an ancient system that can also be seen in reptiles today (evidently the kangaroo was to lazy to evolve out of it). Hitthat (talk) 21:09, 5 March 2010 (UTC)”

Spectral presence

People have been perplexed for years by the appearances of the phantom kangaroo, a marsupial apparition which sometimes bounces through this mortal plane. How can this ghastly thing exist while the kangaroo is alive and well?

The answer is still not completely confirmed, but the phantom kangaroo’s distinctive scar on its left eye seems to indicate that it comes from the future or some kind of parallel universe.

Known aliases

According to Wikipedia, “Kangaroos are often colloquially referred to as roos. Male kangaroos are called bucks, boomers, jacks, or old men; females are does, flyers, or jills, and the young ones are joeys.

In other news, Australians have a lot of time on their hands for talking about kangaroos.

What if it fought a bear?

Assuming there’s no money in losing, the kangaroo would win.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

I am a harsh but fair judge… unlike the kangaroo court, the kangaroo’s failed attempt to fashion a working tribunal to execute the kangaroo’s will under the guise of justice in the lawless Outback.

The kangaroo is very charming. I’d love to give it a higher rating. But it has made too many poor decisions, and understood none of them. Have fun with the drifting biker gangs, kangaroo, but keep your criminal ways out of my society.

 

4/10

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