Category Archives: mammals

Goat

Goat

By the Chinese zodiac, 2015 is the Year of the Sheep/Goat/Ram – proof that people dumb enough to believe in astrology don’t understand what different animals are. 2015 is gonna be a big year. I have a number of Bold Predictions for 2015, which I would like to list now:

  • We’ll hit all 12 months again, in – and here’s the spooky part – the exact same order as last year.

  • Sisqo will sing “Toyotathon-th-thon-thon-thon.”

  • The new Helen Thomas (beloved stalwart White House press conference presence) will be a man named BuzzgrindTommy.

  • Pink Floyd will finally get the Doors/Eagles style backlash it has delayed for years through a soon-to-expire contract with Satan.

  • The truth about Area 51 (that it is the Seventh Flag of Six Flags) will be revealed.

  • Justin Timberlake will announce, “I brought sexy back and if you aren’t more responsible with it, I’ll take it away again.”

  • A popular news website will publish an editorial positing that “maybe the Kennedys should have cameled less.”

  • A beloved actor who is now almost 90 years old will die.

  • Jeff Dunham will become a martyr for many free speech advocates when he is hospitalized with stab wounds after his new puppet “Satchmo” comes to life.

  • Arbor Day will be fraught with controversy in light of public sentiment turning against trees. A comparably themed day called Freedom Shrub Day will be celebrated.

  • A brave new serialized drama will explore the murder of one woman, and how it affects a grumpy dude, over the course of a short season.
  • 2015 will be Ryan Lewis’s year to shine.

  • The 2016 U.S. Presidential race will heat up when Joe Biden promises “a stunt-ready dirtbike in every garage,” Jeb Bush takes a meeting with a major campaign supporter who turns out to be a sentient tire fire, Mitt Romney calls a taco “one of those delightful spicened rollers,” and Hillary Clinton takes to wearing a black cloak she claims helps her harness “the Darkforce.”

  • The molemen will not reveal themselves fully to land-dwellers, but they will make their presence felt subtly. Pay close attention to the signs.

  • Seahawks over Packers, by just a little.

  • The Grammys will be cohosted by LL Cool J from NCIS: Los Angeles and Yass Cat from the phone application Vine.

  • North Dakota will be canceled due to lack of interest.

This is what happens when you let the goat have a whole year.

Special powers

Not that I dislike the goat, necessarily. It has many things going for it. It produces milk useful to humans. It’s equipped with horns for defense. It can double jump, allowing it to reach the highest platforms on most stages.

I should also note that the goat is a wuminant – its stomach has 36 chambers.

Weaknesses

It will eat anything, even boots or old tin cans, and it doesn’t even put sriracha or something on there first.

The goat’s eyes are unnatural nightmare portals.

aaahhhh

The goat has on several occasions served as the bridge that allowed real evil into our world. We think it’s unintentional.

get killing

There’s some circumstantial evidence that it’s not.

Number of legs

Four.

Number of men it respects

The goat only respects one man.

Police warned angry goat on roof 'only respects one man'

What if it fought a bear?

Step one of fighting the bear is respecting the bear’s ability. That is a step the goat will fail.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Assuming the goat isn’t actually a willing servant of the demonic, it’s perhaps the most charmingly goofy source of cheese that exists. That’s the kind of comfort we’re going to need to make it through the Year of the Goat. A conditional…

 

 

8.5/10

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Pony

Pony

When a horse refuses to grow up, it becomes a pony. There are many reasons this could happen, including societal pressures, the influence of Peter Pan, or a trainer pressing B during the evolution animation.

Whatever the case, the pony has its own vibe, and is worth discussing on its own merits and failings. For example, the horse has extremely poor instincts when it comes to clothing choices.

a horse in space clothing

“I think I look fine,” it said like an idiot.

By contrast, the pony is a real fashion plate.

Shetland ponies in sweaters

They look good and you know it.

As a special treat for our readers, I now turn it over to the pony for some timely fashion tips:

“Thank you, human Nathan.

Readers, it is almost winter. All fall, the trend has been earth tones and wind tones. The new colors of the season are green and ultraviolet. Be sure to also wear patterns for the winter: polka dots will let heat escape. Trap it in with the interlocking squares of a plaid. That’s not just fashion; that’s science. Trust me. I’m the pony.”

Special powers

Pound for pound, the Shetland pony is stronger than any horse, or as it puts it, “PONY STRONGEST THERE IS! PONY SMASH!”

It no longer ages.

Weaknesses

The pony is constantly beset by its rival in the fashion world, the Japanese macaque. Try as the pony might, it cannot escape that monkey.

remember the internet monkey?

It looks good and you know it.

Its eternal youth means it is eternally kind of snotty.

Number of legs

Four.

Online presence

The pony has exactly one Yelp review, of a music venue. It reads, in its entirety, “It was just a bunch of human men with instruments, not a train at all. I give this concert zero stars.”

Celebrity birthdays

The pony shares a birthday with…

  • Tom Hanks, who loves to play Tom Hands, a game of his own design

  • ALF, which is not really his name, but an acronym short for Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms

  • Benedict Arnold, a blacksmith who had to explain no, he’s not that one so many, many times.

Shots fired at the Wikipedia page for Shetland pony

“American Shetland Ponies are more refined than the traditional Shetland.”

You know where you are right now, traditional Shetland? You’re on blast, and some American Shetland-loving Wiki user just put you there.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear has no chance against the pony’s strength and low center of gravity.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

No matter what year it is, the forever-young pony hasn’t heard of the good music thing you like from several years ago. This, as we all know, is the worst sin anyone can commit. But dang if it doesn’t look good.

pony in human shoes

Accessorize sparingly, but boldly.

 

 

 

7/10

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Raccoon dog

Raccoon dog

The raccoon dog, a.k.a. the tanuki, used to be bad. It was a malevolent force, a trickster spirit with cruel aims. Since those days, it’s gone straight – or at least somewhat. It’s still an impish prankster, but a lovable, mostly harmless one.

raccoon dog

Aww, you scamp.

Special powers

The raccoon dog has a beautiful, soft coat of fur. In fact, mankind hunts the raccoon dog for its fur, on account of we are nature’s ultimate prick. It is a superb musician; its instrument of choice is its own belly as a drum. As one can guess by this choice, its talents are more in the area of technical skill than satisfying songwriting.

Also, it is a shape-shifter.

Weaknesses

The raccoon dog has an enormous scrotum. Most any person who has a scrotum will tell you it is a very fragile weak spot. The raccoon dog may as well paint a big target on its crotch while it’s at it. It’s like that classic schoolyard song goes: “Tan-tan-tanuki no kintama wa, kaze mo nai no ni, bura bura.”[1]

It gets seasick.

Number of legs

Four.

Drink of choice

Sake.

Celebrity birthdays

The raccoon dog shares a birthday with…

  • Gerard Butler, whose real name is Gerald Butrer.

  • Kim Jong-Un, who has his basketball number shaved into the back of his head every month.

  • Judah Friedlander, who, for the credits in every episode of 30 Rock, performed his famous point live.

bom! bom! bom bom-bom-bom bom! bom!

He nailed it every time.

What if it fought a bear?

The raccoon dog would befriend the bear and get it drunk. We’re looking at arm-in-arm “Piano Man” singing within three hours.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The raccoon dog is friendly, fluffy, and jolly. As long as you train yourself to avoid staring it directly in the scrotum, it’s a good time. At least until you remember you have work in the morning.

 

 

9/10

 

 

 

[1]“Tanuki’s balls, there isn’t any wind but they still go swing, swing, swing.” It’s as true today as it was then.

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Elephant

Elephant

You forgot to vote this week. Yeah, that was this week. You missed out on a totally free sticker. The elephant is disappointed in you.

So it says

It’s not mad.

The elephant is highly invested in the political process. Political cartoonists and logo designers have used it as a symbol of the United States Republican Party, but its actual views are much more diverse. It has cycled through a number of third parties in search of one that fully captures its unique opinions. To this end, it has been involved in the Bull Moose Party, the Hen Buffalo Party, the Brunch Party, the Plutocrats, the Aristocats, M.O.P., #TeamBreezy, the Baseball Furies, a group of hobos led by Brother Soupcon, and the Super Sweet Sixteen Party. It is currently registered as an Independent.

Special powers

Every study about the elephant is about its gentle artist’s soul and how emotionally supportive it is. The elephant went to therapy and learned to paint, so now it thinks it knows everything about relationships. Do not ask the elephant for advice. It might be pretty good, but it’s not worth the tone.

The elephant has a trunk capable of taking in and spraying out water. It can also be used to grab things and play pranks on Kate Capshaw or anyone within one standard deviation of Kate Capshaw.

The elephant has tusks, which are oversized incisor teeth, and don’t you feel less comfortable about them now?

It can sleep standing up or lying down, so it’s got options.

it can be hard to get comfortable

Maybe too many options.

Weaknesses

The elephant is susceptible to floppy trunk syndrome, one of the most adorably named forms of paralysis of all time.

Number of legs

Four

Other ratings of the elephant

“The elephant SAYS it’s working for regular pachyderms. But the TRUTH is it’s in the INCREDIBLY LARGE POCKET of BIG PEANUT.” – anti-elephant attack ad, paid for by a series of nested shell corporations

“Loser loser, chicken dinner. The elephant is both ON the hook and ON the chain.” – Guy Fieri

“Is the elephant good? Yes! But is it elite? Without a championship on its resume, I don’t think I can say it is.” – Jay Bilas

“The female has a well-developed clitoris at up to 40 cm (16 in).” – Wikipedia

What’s its astrological sign?

Cappadonna.

Military usage

The elephant was used for wars because it was “nature’s tank, which is a comparison we will understand once the tank is invented.”

What if it fought a bear?

Well, have you ever heard a song called “War Bear?” Would you like to? Here’s my demo tape. But to answer the question at hand, elephant wins.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The elephant may not have found a political identity that fits it yet, but there’s no need to put its stances in a box. What would you even do with the box once you had it? Commit an Operation Dumbo Drop? No one wants that. What we should want is to spend some time in the company of the sweet-natured elephant.

It kind of is in the pocket of Big Peanut though.

 

 

8/10

Thanks for coming

Bye now!

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Platypus

Platypus

There is no animal more confused about its identity than the platypus.

This thing is a mammal that lays eggs. It has a duck bill but a beaver tail, and walks like a reptile. It produces milk but has no teats, instead just kinda sweating it out. It has two ovaries, but only one works. It has extra bones in its shoulder that other mammals don’t, and nobody knows where it got them. It has tons of sex chromosomes – ten in fact, because one pair wasn’t good enough for it; its gender is more complicated than some of my old internet passwords. It has spurs on its hind feet that deliver venom – and again, I can’t stress enough that it’s a mammal despite all this. It is born with teeth that fall out one embarrassing day in fifth grade and it hides in the nurse’s office until school is over. And that’s just the tip of the figurative iceberg (see Weaknesses).

What else do we know about this duck-billed iceberg?

Special powers

We know the platypus has electrolocation, meaning it can detect prey by the electric fields generated by the movement of muscles. That sounds like a power Grant Morrison made up for a cool splash page, but it’s actually true and it is extremely baller.

Its internal temperature is lower than most normal mammals. That’s how dedicated it is to being chill.

ICE COLD

What’s cooler than being cool?

The platypus stores fat in its tail. Given that extra junk in the trunk is so hot right now, it is perfectly poised to be the breakout star of whatever music video awards happen this month.

I should mention here that venom again. Venom! Crazy.

Weaknesses

In addition to the above-mentioned conflicting traits, the platypus has had a goth phase, yuppie phase, gymrat phase, rockabilly phase, steampunk phase, dieselwave phase, person-who-wears-a-hat-all-the-time phase, politically active poet phase, eccentric balloonist phase, and many more. It tries on identities like other people try on glasses frames at the store. Fortunately, the above-mentioned chillness remains constant.

Number of legs

Four.

Magazine subscriptions

Redbook, Ranger Rick.

Is it on a piece of currency?

It is on the 20-cent coin in Australia, opposite the head of Queen Elizabeth II.

now that's paper. okay it's metal.

It’s so money and it doesn’t even know it, per the requirement that every website must contain at least one reference to Swingers (the Simmons Rule).

What if it fought a bear?

It depends what phase the bear catches it in, but if it’s a street-fighting one, the platypus has a chance.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The platypus doesn’t always know what kind of dude it wants to be, but it is always my kind of dude. I mean that in a non-gender-specific way. Rock on, you unnecessarily double-ovaried weirdo!

 

 

10/10

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Saiga antelope

Saiga antelope

Africa seems to have a monopoly on all the most popular antelopes. But there’s a hip “underground”[1] antelope you may not have heard of over in Eurasia and it’s called the saiga antelope. It doesn’t have the mainstream appeal or name recognition of many other antelopes, but it’s no less worthy of our attention.

Special powers

The male saiga has horns. The female saiga carries a baseball bat with nails in it.

Weaknesses

The saiga antelope was cursed by a wizard to have its voice replaced by the wizard’s mocking impression. That is why its mating call is “Duuuhhh I’m a lonely idiot duurrrr!”

One imagines the wizard was inspired in part by the saiga’s dopey-looking nose.

saiga antelope got a big ol' nose

Oh buddy.

Number of legs

Four.

Fierceness factor

Quite low. A little higher with good horns.

unconventional, but solid

Not bad.

Is it a victim of ethnic cleansing?

Not exactly, but it is critically endangered due to poaching. Please, before you poach something, ask yourself: Am I making breakfast and is the thing I’m poaching an egg? If not, please don’t poach it.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear’s gonna immediately punch that nose.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The saiga is not as glamorous as most antelopes, with its inaccessible goofy schnoz. But it is exceedingly underrated. Fortunately, this is not Underrate Every Animal, the worst website of all time.

 

 

8.5/10

 

 

[1]Not literally.

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Horse

Horse

Life ain’t all mint juleps and large hats. Believe it or not, the horse exists all year round, even on the high holy days. If people who like the horse are to be believed, it is the most important creature in the world.[1] It is certainly quite magnificent if you ignore its crazy eyes.

Special powers

The horse is a fast animal – so famous is its speed that if you look closely, you’ll find the word “horse” hidden within the word “horsepower.” The horse is a powerful animal, capable of pulling all manner of heavy objects – hence why we measure towing capacity in “horsespeed.”

But let’s get back to that impressive speed. Every single Kentucky Derby has been won by the horse, except for one year when it was won by a mysterious floating orb.[2]

Due to its above qualities and strong sense of justice, the horse frequently serves as a law enforcement officer.

HORSE LAW

HORSE LAW

It typically carries around a human assistant who can handle any speaking, writing, or hat-wearing duties.

Weaknesses

Speech. Writing. The wearing of hats.

There is a critical hole in the horse’s defenses: it can be controlled through mental communication.

Can't go wrong.

The perfect plan.

If that fails, it will do literally anything for oats.

Number of legs

Four

Phrases

The horse has been a prominent figure throughout history. The Lewis & Clark expedition, the Lincoln-Douglas debates, the invention of the telephone, the House Un-American Activities Committee hearings, and Joe Frazier and Muhammad Ali’s 1971 fight all took place with all the participants on horseback. Naturally, the horse has worked its way into many of our most enduring idioms. Below I have collected some of the most famous ones, along with their explanations:

One-horse town: Before adopting the star rating it uses today, Zagat would rate businesses on a scale of five horses. This term describes a city with a poor average Zagat rating.

Don’t put the cart before the horse: If the horse were presented with the garbage we have it pull around, it would fly into a blind rage. This phrase is comparable to “Ignorance is bliss.”

High horse: When you take the same position a marijuana-addled horse would take, you are “getting on your high horse.”

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink: The horse is a deeply responsible designated driver.

Trojan horse: If you can’t understand what your horse is saying, it may be speaking an ancient language of west Turkey.

Beating a dead horse: This is a sick thing to do. This is messed up.

A horse of a different color: Sometimes a horse will be a different color than yours and you will murder your neighbor in a jealous fury.

Straight from the horse’s mouth: Sometimes if you reach into the horse’s mouth, you will find prizes like gumballs, stuffed animals, or keys to a nnnneww caaaaaaar!

Look a gift horse in the mouth: If you check the horse’s mouth before you reach in, that’s cheating.

Hold your horse’s mouth: Horse-owners are obsessed with horse mouths.

Nightmare: A kind of female horse who enters your dreams as a psychic vampire.

This is the end of this list.

The horse in the future

Could the horse be replaced in the future by a mechanical simulacrum?

mechanical horse from 1933

Scientists say no, and stop asking so many questions and how did I get that photograph give them that right now get out of their office.

What if it fought a bear?

Unfortunately, the bear is a master of mental communication ever since it ate a psychic. The horse would quickly become its unwitting pawn. Unless of course we could engineer a horse who didn’t have an organic mind – only a computer. Perhaps such a creature would resemble a big metal bug. Yeah, now we’re onto something…

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The horse is beloved, and for good reason. Well, fairly good reason. It isn’t actually made of Heaven’s love like some horse-owner hymns say. Mainly it’s made of bones and horse-guts. But don’t let my instinct to push back against their hyperbole take away from the horse’s many good traits.

As they say in the Derby: saddle away!

 

9.5/10

 

 

[1]“Every precious horse life is worth a hundred human souls. May every beautiful horse soar to immortality on the land-wings God has granted and man has girded with iron. (One and every one!)” – famous horse-owner call and response

 

[2]“ORB IS GREAT. ORB IS GOOD. ALL HAIL ORB.” read the headline. On the next day, nobody remembered writing it.

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Nyala

Nyala

The NFL draft is this week. It’s a fabulous event, often considered “the Super Bowl of the NFL.” Teams will have a lot of tough decisions to make over the course of the three days of the NFL draft, as recently dramatized in the Kevin Costner film “Three Days To Kill.”

DRAFT DAY

What does all this have to do with the nyala?

Special powers

Well, the nyala is a draft expert.

Unlike most other draft experts, the male nyala has large twisted horns.

It has glands on its feet, leaving its scent where it walks. Most draft experts have these.

Weaknesses

Because of those glands, the nyala is a remarkably easy fugitive to track and a remarkably poor hide-and-seek competitor.

The nyala just generally has entirely too much going on, aesthetically.

This friggin' guy. Source: https://www.flickr.com/photos/arnolouise/3104729822/in/photostream/

This friggin’ guy.
Source

We’ve got spiral horns, big ears, shaggy hair on the neck, belly, and upper back legs but nowhere else, yellow-orange below the knee, white stripes AND facial markings… The nyala is distinctly over-accessorized.

Number of legs

Four.

Sample wisdom of the nyala

Another year, another exciting draft! Get your giant whiteboard, popcorn, and adult diaper ready now, ’cause you won’t want to miss a moment! But for those of you who haven’t followed my previous posts and scent messages, here’s a quick and dirty overview of what to watch for. Our sources indicate that as many as nineteen players could be selected to advance to the pros this year, so there’s a lot to keep track of. Let’s get started.

Top AAA+ Choices Good Job
Jadeveon Clowney (DE, South Carolina): If he’s anything like his future self who came back to the present to warn us of the error of our ways, Clowney will grow into a superb defensive player wholly unaffected by the nanoplague. Good hump moves on the deep web.
Darqueze Dennard (CB, Michigan State): Found extra gears on my cousin’s ATV. Gets in opposing player’s heads on the click-and-drag. Does up-close magic every brunch.
Khalil Mack (OLB, Buffalo): “Return of the Mack” was written about him. An easy merchandising opportunity since he has his own interactive webseries.
Sammy Watkins (WR, Clemson): My man on the inside discovered a tattoo reading REMEMBER SAMMY WATKINS on his body that he has no memory receiving.
Teddy Bridgewater (QB, Louisville): In practice, twirls his mustache and laughs like “Gr-r-ra-ha-ha-ha!”

Dark Horse Picks
Jackson Jeffcoat (DE, Texas): Appeared to sometimes underperform due to the heavy chains he wears around his body, but would instantly improve if persuaded to get rid of them.
Quincy Enunwa (WR, Nebraska): Undersized, but makes up for it in character. Could be for football what Mother Theresa was to racquetball.
Willie Snead (WR, Ball State): Runs routes like Sunday’s a Friday and the post office had a birthday party. Could be picked up for a song in a late round – specifically “Brandy (You’re A Fine Girl)” by Looking Glass.
Aaron Donald (DT, Pittsburgh): A lot of bang for your buck with two first names for the price of one. Rumor is he loves Judy as more than a friend.
Boseko Lokombo (OLB, Oregon): Scouts say he could outrun a husky and outsmart a husky who’s had some college. A real gumbo-chewer on the field.
Ha’Sean “Ha Ha” Clinton-Dix (FS, Alabama): Tall-hipped. A worthy pick for ironic jersey sales alone.

Bust to the Future (in the Future, they will have been busts)
Kerry Wynn (DT, Richmond): Ironically, picking “Wynn” will make you “lyosse.”
C.J. Mosley (ILB, Alabama): My sources tell me Mosley is afraid of the dark, making him a liability getting to the stadium for night games.
Demetri Goodson (CB, Baylor): There are questions about his football knowledge, such as “Has he heard of it?”
Bradley Roby (CB, Ohio State): Could stand to iron out his pedal and jimmy up his grind belts. Refers to the ball as “my friend, the constable” and only drinks iced milk on the sideline.
Blake Bortles (QB, Central Florida): Slam jumpers need work and petunias are left unguarded. Sometimes weak in the phalanges.

What if it fought a bear?

The nyala has reports on all the bear’s weaknesses from the combine.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The nyala’s sports reporting is, frankly, incomprehensible speculation.

.

.
4/10

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Rabbit

Rabbit

Easter is this Sunday, and with it will come the Easter Bunny. But did you know that the Easter Bunny is actually a rabbit? I know, bunny’s right in the name, but it turns out he has nothing to do with Playboy.

Not all rabbits are immortal beneficent givers of eggs and candies, however. The rabbit is also capable of evil, as the recent spate of theatrical rabbit-on-rabbit serial killings shows.

half a rabbit

This is its design.

And the Easter Bunny shouldn’t get off with its motives totally unquestioned either. I mean, where is it even getting those eggs?

Special powers

The rabbit has extremely lucky feet. It has never tripped in its life. Once it slid on some ice into a curb and it seemed like it was going to trip, but at the last possible moment it did the Charleston instead.

It sleeps with both eyes open because it trusts no one.

When the rabbit wears a dress, wig and makeup – and believe me, given enough time, it will – it becomes irresistibly attractive to anyone normally attracted to human women.

Bugs Bunny has constant access to false busoms

The sexiest.

It is incapable of vomiting.

Weaknesses

The rabbit’s tail is made of cotton, the favorite fabric of Zooey Deschanel and states’ rights enthusiasts. Though luxuriously soft, it is also functionally useless, tailwise.

It eats its own poop. It’s like, hey rabbit, just absorb the nutrients right the first time, dummy. Duh doy. Seems obvious to me.

It is incapable of vomiting.

Number of legs

Four.

Nomenclature

The male rabbit is called a buck; the female is known as a doe; and the child is a kitten, in a set-up identical to a deer couple who adopt a cat.

What if it fought a bear?

The best rabbit is immortal and has nothing to fear. The worst rabbit can split the bear in half. Between these points is mostly just easy rabbit meat.

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

So we don’t know where the Easter Bunny gets eggs from. But whatever its source, is it getting exactly the right number for the houses it breaks into? Surely there are extras to account for any eggs broken in the distribution process. So what happens to the leftovers?

"He's eating them."

I have a theory.

The rabbit: Could its greatest paragon also be its worst monster?

 

 

 

8/10 or 1/10 pending further investigation

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Tapir

Tapir

This message goes out to that son of a tapir, the tapir. You hear me, tapir? Listen up and listen well, ’cause I don’t want any of the subtleties of this message to slip out of that stupid head of yours.

tapir

Shut your ugly mouth when I’m talking, son.

Normally I don’t do this, tapir, but you’ve been begging for it. You’ve been pleading for it with every time you let that ugly punchable mug of yours out of the bag you keep it in. This isn’t a rating, tapir. This is a mercy-kill and I’m your Dr. Kevorkian.

What even are you? No orgy in the history of sex has been as immediately regretted as the unholy alliance of rhino, horse, and zebra that must have led to you crawling out of the ensuing ooze. Your trunk is too short to do anything of real use, but just long enough to make you one ugly sucker. Those short bristly hairs that cover your whole fat body aren’t doing you any favors either, pal. You look like the Elephant Man of elephants cosplaying as a black-and-white cookie.

Let me be clear. This isn’t just about appearances. I’m not shallow like that, tapir. This is about you being a trashy, classless redneck. You go home each night and look with pride on your wardrobe consisting entirely of Big Dawg sweatshirts and Tweety Bird apparel. “Behind Blue Eyes” is your favorite Who song, tapir. At any given moment in time, I got even odds you’re in a Wal-Mart parking lot with an empty case of PBR, paw hovering over the last button to drunk dial a white girl named Darlene.

More than that, tapir, this is about you being a coward. You’re so dumb and scared of getting wet, you try to dodge your chubby butt through the raindrops.

"Not my toesies!"

“Ooh no, is it safe? I better just touch it with my toesies!”

Meanwhile, and paradoxically, you love mud with your miserable life. You’re nasty, ya dirty bird. You disgust me.

What if it fought a bear?

No bear is gonna get its claws on you, tapir. Not before you feel my heel on your throat as I pose for my new profile picture for social media sites. I’m talking about Facebook, Twitter, Google Plus, LinkedIn, Farmers Only. I’m gonna beat you so hard it updates MySpace. This is serious.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Do you see what happens when you go up against the best animal rater in the game? Do you see what you get when you antagonize your superior? No, you don’t. Not yet. But you will. I will find you, tapir. I will go anywhere[1] on this blue marble I need to and I will end you.

 

1/10

 

 

[1]Except North Dakota. It knows why.

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