Category Archives: fish

John Dory

John Dory

Most animals don’t have human-style names. When they do, it’s often one a human gave them. And even then, it’s probably something like Snowball or Mayor Fuzzpants or Bella – names that very few humans actually have.

The John Dory is an exception.

It's like if somebody didn't play the fool sometimes.[1]

It’s like if somebody didn’t play the fool sometimes.[1]

Special powers

The John Dory has a name, social security number, and Ralphs card. It also has a false eye on the side of its body to trick predators and teachers who don’t know it’s really asleep.

Weaknesses

Its heavy plates slow it down.

The John Dory desperately wants to “go viral.” The only thing it has come up with toward this life goal is this image:

And what is .facebok?

This is the best it could come up with.

Number of legs

None.

Hollywood connections

You may not know that Zach Braff’s Scrubs character was loosely based on the John Dory.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear’s gonna fall for that fake-eye trick, I just know it.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

That “meme” is terrible, John Dory.

 

 

2.5/10

 

 

 

[1]That would never happen though. Bad example.

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Hogfish

Hogfish

What’s up, everybody!

photo: jetskibrian.com

Hey hey hey, y’all!

Today I’d like to talk to you about the hogfish. So I will.

Special powers

The hogfish starts out female and then about three years into its life, becomes male. Because it does what it wants.

Weaknesses

The hogfish got its name by hogging all the popcorn. You’re ruining movie night, hogfish!

Number of legs

No.

Drink of choice

Coors Heavy – it’s ready to drink when the lead mountains turn blue and extra-toxic!

Wikipedia’s Talk Page Says

“Calling this fish a ‘dick’ is not vandalism.”

What if it fought a bear?

Why would it though?

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The hogfish is a decisive iconoclast. Despite the libel of Wikipedia’s Talk Page, that does not make it a bad person fish. Its ungiving stance toward food-sharing comes close, though.

 

 

7.5/10

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Mudskipper

Mudskipper

The mudskipper rejects your preconceived notions. It won’t fit in your neat little boxes. Fish live in the water, you say? Screw your labels; I won’t do what you tell me, says the mudskipper. The mudskipper is straight up amphibious.

A creature of both water and earth. Ponder the duality of mudskipper. (Photo by K. Leonard)

A creature of both water and earth. Ponder the duality of mudskipper. (Photo by K. Leonard)

Special powers

Seriously, the mudskipper is a fish that can get up on land and walk around on its pectoral fins and breathe. It stores water in its gill chambers, trusty waterskin, and an adorably small flask so as to be both hydrated and aerated for its jaunts to the surface.

It puts the principles of good home decoration into practice in its burrow designs.

The mudskipper’s eyes give it an incredible field of vision – nearly 360 degrees. Don’t even try to do the thing where you tap it on the wrong shoulder. It sees what you’re up to. It’s seen all your tricks…

Weaknesses

…It’s seen perhaps too much.

The mudskipper made a Neopolitan pizza with non-standard mozzarella and was convicted of pizza fraud.

It is extremely bad at singing karaoke and doesn’t know it.

“UNDAH PRESSURE!”

“DON’T GO BREAKIN’ MY HEART!”

Number of legs

None, technically. But two, kind of.

Celebrity birthdays

The mudskipper shares a birthday with…

  • O. Henry, the writer who revealed on his deathbed that the O in his name stands for “Original Twilight Zone.”[1]

  • Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger, hero airline pilot who secretly hates birds with every fiber of his being. “Y’ see this?” he screams every time he takes off. “You’re not better than me, you flapping sky garbage!”

  • Emperor Norton, the United States’ only emperor.

What if it fought a bear?

The mudskipper would refuse to fight.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

I’ve forgiven the mudskipper for its cheese crime. I gotta take my hat off to it for breaking down boundaries for fish. It’s a true pioneer and it doesn’t care how silly it looks in the process. Skip on, mudskipper

 

 

9/10

 

 

 

 

[1]What a twist!

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Barreleye

Barreleye

With most other animals, barrel-shaped eyes with an upward-facing default setting would be the weirdest thing about them. Not so for the barreleye. The barreleye does have those eyes, but it keeps them in a straight up see-through head.

It's not any happier about this than we are.

It’s not any happier about this than we are.

Special powers

The barreleye can see above itself very well. It loves the first row of the movie theatre.

Weaknesses

It’s always borrowing things from the siphonophores and not returning them. It has an excuse every time, but at a certain point, the problem is the barreleye’s.

It’s got no teeth.

Number of legs

None. Unless they’re just invisible. This requires further investigation. Uhhh incomplete.

Aliases

Spook fish, glass-head, ghostface swimmah, hombre.

What if it fought a bear?

There’s a pretty major weakness specifically highlighted on the barreleye.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

You’re an unreliable thief, barreleye. I see right through you. Sorry for the choice of words, but you know what I mean, weirdo.

 

 

3/10

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Tetra

Tetra

As of this online web blog post, we are only a little more than a week away from Opening Day of the major league baseball season, the day when the commissioner opens up a baseball to find out what’s in there.[1] No one is more excited for baseball to begin than the tetra.

Look how big its smile is.

Look how big its smile is.

The tetra, you see, is a diehard baseball fan. It watches its favorite team play about 500 games a year, which is well over two thirds of a season! It can name the family lineage of Mr. Met going back six generations. It has a sizable collection of baseball cards, including…

    • Honus Wagner
    • Studs Bancker
    • Topsy Hartsel
    • Buddy Sachs
    • Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown
    • Boog Powell
    • Drum Duggan
    • Barclay Charles
    • Matt Stanchion
    • Knute Rockford
    • Bernie Titcomb
    • Slim Hardaway (a private investigator)
    • Harvey Kootz
    • Doc Abbey
    • Red Blackwell
    • Hamilton Leithauser
    • Chip Dipson
    • Dip Dobson
    • Bing Gardner
    • Cole Harbor Jr.
    • Fritz Ganon
    • Troy Brownfield
    • Phil Jimenez
    • Big Jim McLain
    • Slaw Johansson
    • Tom Ziljac
    • Chud Przlkzxby
    • Riggs Briggs
    • Leon J. Panetta
    • Flim Flammerman (a flim-flam man)
    • Slick Willie Gossett
    • Unus the Untouchabl
    • Gil Gilchrist
    • Billy Pope
    • Torg Arbuckle
    • Pudge Barrett
    • Sheen Splitcher
    • Jocko Blurst
    • Oyster Burns
    • Trent Hernandez
    • Keith Sweat
    • A six-foot party sub wearing a baseball cap
    • Buttercup Dickerson
    • Flip Chuntwad
    • Yutz Ploopie
    • Grim Fandango
    • Ngao Mbitu Lee
    • Jonah Beauregard
    • Jimmy Wolf
    • Ham Hamm
    • Bud Sexmagick
    • Walton Goggins
    • Cappy Fulmer
    • Stoddard
    • Leonard Snart
    • Bumpus Gunkle
    • Cradley Booper
    • Dread Forrestor The Tree Lord
    • Glenn John
    • Yahoo Sirius XM
    • Ned Geggus
    • Moses Farrell
    • Horace Hornswaggler
    • Dewey Defeatstruman
    • Jack Krampus
    • Muddy Samson
    • Dick Peppers
    • Ponyboy Dunn
    • Alabama (the band)
    • Otto Van Buxley
    • Spitwad Mullitzer
    • Oaky Pinewood
    • Ollie-Ollie-Oxenfree Smith
    • Fatty Mack
    • Charlie Schlong
    • The Baseball Furies
    • Scoops Turkel
    • Percy Childs
    • Denethor Driscoll
    • Beagle Bagley
    • Vic Wittels
    • Finn Berkelbach
    • Spuds MacKenzie
    • Dick Hunt
    • The Duke Ellington of Kicking Sand
    • Fivel Ladew
    • Pop Carroll
    • Pappy Figgemeier
    • Dad Yuengling
    • Pitch-A-Tron
    • Tug Mazzetti
    • Deacon Flick
    • Erve Scheffler
    • Air Bud

…As well as many other cards, too many[2] to list.

Special powers

The tetra is exceedingly patient.

Weaknesses

The tetra thinks its reflection is another fish. Way to go, idiot.

Number of legs

No.

Favorite video game

NHL: Eastside Hockey Manager 2007. I know; it’s inexplicable.

What if it fought a bear?

The tetra doesn’t stand a chance. The bear can just stop buying fish food.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

I should probably mention the tetra is a big-time embezzler. You can get way cooler fish for your aquarium who won’t abuse your trust for financial gain.

 

 

2/10

 

 

 

 

[1]Usually it’s more baseball, but if the commissioner sees his shadow, there may be six more weeks of spring training.

[2]Seven.

Programming note: Rate Every Animal will be on hiatus for a week or two. Hope to see you soon.

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Tilapia

Tilapia

This past Sunday was Big Game Sunday, when two teams battle it out in the Gridiron Mega-Bonanza for the chance to hoist the sport’s highest honor, the Points-a-lot Metal Ball as fun-time good color paper falls all around them on the grassed court. But the sportsing isn’t the only thing drawing hundreds of viewers every year. Many around the world – the tilapia included – love to watch it… for the commercials!!!!!!!!

You hear the corporations' messages about the products on purpose? So subversive and interesting!!!!

You hear the corporations’ messages about the products on purpose? So subversive and interesting!!!!

In celebration of the tilapia, let’s look back at some of this year’s most notable advertisements.

  • A goofy five-o’-clock-shadowed dude in a plaid button-up tried to store Pace brand salsa inside William “The Refrigerator” Perry, to his gorgeous wife’s consternation.

  • Bud Light, in an effort to test whether he was truly Up For Whatever, tricked a rookie cop into smoking PCP and handling a murder weapon with bare hands.

  • GoDaddy just straight up showed forty technically non-explicit seconds of a porno.

  • Doc Brown, the character from Back to the Future, was shocked to learn that 2015 does not have flying cars or weather control, but does have brutally efficient Dyson vacuum cleaners. (Music: Savin’ the Day by Alessi Brothers)

  • An office’s boss was unexpectedly replaced with Jimmy Buffett, who installed margarita machines and let lizards roam the hallways freely. It was for Geico somehow.

  • A pleasant-looking five-o’-clock-shadowed dude in a skinny tie found himself slowly turning into John Turturro. This was played not for whimsy, but as body horror. The product it was advertising is unclear, as the only clue was the hashtag #DieVermandlung.

  • John Stamos ate all the yogurt!

  • Following footage of Martin Luther King Jr.’s “Mountaintop” speech, the words “Anything is Lunchable” faded in.
  • Sam Elliott called America out as too much of a pansy to buy a commercially-available version of Grave Digger. “I dare you,” the actor intoned. “You won’t do it. You’re not a man; you’re a joke. America is not great. If it were, it would buy the Grave Digger Unlimited. You disgust me.” He gave the finger to a bald eagle, but they blurred it out. (Tagline: “America is a coward.” Music: Original composition by Hans Zimmer)

  • A nerd boy met a nerd girl and they waited three years until their braces were off to split a pack of Starburst candy. (Music: Waiting by Green Day)

  • We were treated to our very first look at the computer-animated designs for The Snorks that will be used in August’s Snorks film. (Music: Guess Who’s Back by Eminem, Tagline: “Those Mothersnorkers Are At It Again”)

  • An approachable five-o’-clock-shadowed dude in a flannel flipped a burger so high his grandma caught it from a third story window. A narrator informed us it would only take 15 seconds to write a family member out of your will with LegalBeagle.

  • Vin Diesel surfed one car onto another car to smash a third car back onto the aircraft carrier deck it was about to fall off of and then the second car exploded and The Rock caught him and cradled him like a huge baby and they locked arms like they were going to arm wrestle but you could tell it wasn’t out of aggression, it was just ’cause they’re family now. Lucas Black entered to say something and was immediately interrupted by the appearance of the title FURIOUS 7.

  • Nissan depicted a dad frequently taken away from his family by his job as a race car driver. (Music: Cat’s in the Cradle by Harry Chapin. Tagline: “Our relationship is irreparably damaged, father.”)

  • The Chocolate Rain guy, but this time he wanted orange rain! (Tagline: “Do you know about Fanta now?”)

  • Burger King showed that, even in light of national tragedy, it will bravely continue to offer sales like 50 chicken nuggets for $9.11. (Music: Slowed down children’s choir cover of Tubthumping)

  • A cartoon bee and a cartoon flower drank Coca-Colas together.

  • Nationwide threatened to kill a human child on live television unless 10,000 people switched to their coverage.

Special powers

The tilapia has bones in its throat that serve as a second jaw that does a little extra chewing and adds a lot of gross terror to an otherwise simple fish.

Its flesh tastes fine.

Weaknesses

The tilapia is the very definition of a basic fish. It… it can’t get enough pumpkin spice lattes or something? I don’t totally know what this means.

Number of legs

No.

What if it fought a bear?

It would lose.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The tilapia is sometimes known as St. Peter’s fish, because Jesus paid his and Peter’s taxes with money they found in the tilapia’s mouth. Tax season is coming up; give it a try! Brought to you by TaxSlayer. (Tagline: “Render unto Caesar whatever you find in a fish’s mouth.”)

 

 

4/10

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Goblin shark

Goblin shark

When a shark and a goblin love each other very much, they contract a mad scientist to create an unholy hybrid known as the goblin shark.

add me to your five! :^{}

This is its MySpace picture.

Special powers

The goblin shark’s mouth is a horrifying nightmare weapon, filled with crazy teeth and able to leap forward and snatch prey.

noooooo

No no no no no no no

It is a real good swimmer.

Weaknesses

The goblin shark is weak against exosuit cargo-loaders. It used to have vulnerabilities to torches and pitchforks, but it has since removed those flaws.

Number of legs

None.

Favorite video game

It has eaten four separate copies of Ecco the Dolphin.

Celebrity birthdays

As the goblin shark was not literally born, the goblin shark does not have a birthday per se. But on the day its body was given animation, these celebrities were born by natural means:

  • Bruce Willis, an American actor who portrayed Unbreakable in the film Unbreakable

  • The Panda’s Accomplice, an athlete in the Chinese Basketball Association

  • Jimmie “The Beast” Foxx, the baseball player who first realized he could double his chances of hitting pitches by using two bats

What if it fought a bear?

The bear eschews most advanced technology, including exosuit cargo-loaders. The goblin shark would defeat it.

Is it noble?

Half.

Final rating

The goblin shark’s goblin half may – may – be balanced by its shark side. But as a creation of mad science, it has no soul. Its MySpace bio makes that much clear.

 

 

2.5/10

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Halibut

Halibut

San Diego Comic-Con was this past weekend, a time when our favorite corporate overlords release information about new entertainments to which we can look forward. This year, there were some juicy scoops, and I’ve got the best ones right here…

  • In the ongoing saga of Batman v. Superman, Superman filed the paperwork to countersue the Gotham vigilante.
  • We got our first look at the Dexter movie, continuing the adventures of the Showtime serial serial killer killer. In the exclusive footage, we witness the following dialogue…

CIA OPERATIVE: Dexter, we need you back – now more than ever!

DEXTER: I’m out of the game. I kill trees now, not men.

CIA OPERATIVE: This isn’t a man we’re talking about. It’s a monster.

DEXTER: Just when I thought I was a lumberjack, they pull me back in.

  • The dark, gritty live-action Grape Ape reboot is moving forward, finally handling the source material with the gravity it deserves. Michael Bay is attached to produce.
  • LEGO Entourage: The Video Game will get a downloadable expansion pack called Turtle’s Big Day.
  • In the proud tradition of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Blues Brothers 2000, Psycho II, Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps, and The Rage: Carrie 2 (each everyone’s favorite in their respective series), the long-awaited sequel to Saving Private Ryan, titled Ryan: Shadow’s Legend, will at last hit the silver screen and doubtlessly be even greater than the first!
  • A man in glasses announced just some real nerdy business I didn’t understand.
  • Neil DeGrasse Tyson carefully and patiently explained over and over again that his show is non-fiction and that he didn’t need to come up with what “feels” his “character” would be experiencing. George Takei was on hand to repeat any science facts with added bacon references and Internet memes.
  • Fans rallied to demand a sixteenth season of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation in hopes of getting one step closer to the promise of “twenty-nine seasons and a movie, and the Tarantino episode doesn’t count!”
  • The new writer of the Green Lantern comic assured fans that the titular hero will be a “strong male character, as deadly as he is handsome.”
  • Mrs. Doubtfire: Origins will explore over five to nine television seasons the period before the marital problems or the Doubtfire disguise.
  • Doctor Who’s title will be corrected to its original intention, Doctor When. “It’s embarrassing that we’ve gone this long without fixing that,” admitted one producer.
  • Just in time for its fortieth anniversary, The Secret Lives of Waldo Kitty will return, exclusively on Zune.
  • After a long period being non-canon, the halibut is returning to continuity.

Let’s focus in on the last one.

Special powers

It might seem like the halibut was never gone, but that’s because its reintegration into our reality is being done as a retcon, or “retroactive con.” The story and our memories now are that it was always around, but the truth is it was tied up in rights issues for years. The halibut will be mostly unchanged from the old version.

It is still the black and white cookie of the sea, thanks to its dark top and white bottom. It can still time travel. It can still make bubbles. It is still bigger than you probably think – weighing up to hundreds of pounds.

Halibut: The black and white cookie of the sea.

Halibut: The black and white cookie of the sea.

Weaknesses

Not everything is the same, though. Some of the halibut’s more ridiculous special powers have been stripped away, in an effort to streamline the fish and make it more relatable. It no longer has super-hypnosis, phasing, the penance stare, or the ability to pull physical items out of its own thought balloons.

Number of legs

None.

Celebrity birthdays

The halibut shares a birthday with

  • Theedge, guitarist for U2
  • Gordon Darkhand, who many assume to be a twisted copy of Gordon Lightfoot, but it’s actually the other way around.
  • Colin Powell

What if it fought a bear?

Original Halibut could destroy the bear in a heartbeat. Rebooted Halibut would need eight to ten rounds to win.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

Welcome back, halibut. It’s like you never left.

 

7.5/10

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Ocean sunfish

Ocean sunfish

The sun has a number of avatars in the animal kingdom. The sunbear represents its heat. The sunbird represents its relationship with plants. The sundog represents its light. The sun angel battles moon criminals on its behalf. The sunflower is not an animal. The ocean sunfish represents its mass. It is the heaviest bony fish in the world at about a ton spread over its 13-foot length. Believe it or not, the sun is even bigger – a dozen times bigger, at least – but the point is the ocean sunfish is proportionally like the sun of its particular peer group.

Special powers

It’s humongous.

Though the ocean sunfish performed as a baritone with its college a cappella group, it can sing well in a range from bass all the way to tenor.

Out-of-town gigs were hard.

The ocean sunfish, pictured here with the rest of “Gleequeg.”

Weaknesses

Due to its great size, the ocean sunfish has poor speed and maneuverability.

It has a weird butt.

ocean sunfish doin its thing

Weird.

Number of legs

No.

Known aliases

  • Mola mola
  • Hank
  • _DipBoss23_

Former names of its college a cappella group, Gleequeg

  • Skull and Crosstones
  • N-TUNE
  • The Jolly Rogers
  • Lucky Charmony
  • No Strings
  • Micky Dolenz’ Locker
  • Sweater Boys
  • Gleefaring Vessel
  • Sweater Boyz

What if it fought a bear?

When any agent of the sun is in danger, its comrades will come to its aid. The bear could take one of them, but not all.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Dip is gross, sunfish. Why do you spend free time talking about it on a message board. That’s not befitting of a representative of our sun, THE GREATEST SUN IN THE UNIVERSE. WOOOO! EARTH! EARTH! EARTH! EARTH!

 

 

5.5/10

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Pleco

Pleco

How is it that we have so many fish and so few of them clean the world around them? Most fish only make things dirtier. I’m inventor James Dyson, and this problem has kept me up for countless sleepless nights.

A man and his fan

Dirty fish have ruined me.

It is insane to me the number of indignities humanity is seemingly willing to endure. We go through life with our four-wheeled vacuum cleaners and external-bladed fans as if nothing is deeply, fundamentally wrong with this joke of a life we lead.

I say it is insane to me, but really it’s the other way around. Because my fellow man thinks so little of the disastrous eons hand dryers take to do their job, I began to feel that it was I who was insane for noticing. I foreswore human contact for months at a time to develop solutions to these tragedies. And yet a problem remained in the world. How long, I asked myself between sobs, must aquariums suffer with algae and mucus?

Fortunately there is an answer. There are many names for what I’m referring to: sucker fish, janitor fish, algae eater, pleco.

pleco on the walls

Welcome to the future.

At the end of the day, though, it remains but one fish – and one fish that this vaguely Timm Gunn-sounding Britishman didn’t have to invent himself.[1]

Special powers

The pleco devours aquarium detritus through its specialized sucker mouth. It is an elegant design.

Weaknesses

Not as elegant as a sphere or a fan that is just a perfect loop, but elegant just the same.

Number of legs

Legs are a pitiful and inefficient method of ambulation. I despise myself for this flawed form in which I am trapped.

What if it fought a bear?

I am working day and night to develop a bear that doesn’t have the clear design problems of the current unwieldy bear – one that will harness the power of the principle of cyclonic separation.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

Why does society concern itself with such meaningless frivolities? War in the Middle East? What about all the wet hands in the Middle East which need drying? Who will speak for them? Oil spills? How about soil spills? How will you get that out of your most precious afghan? Death in the family? A dead body need not concern itself with further deterioration. If only dirt-ravaged family heirlooms felt so safe.

The pleco is the only animal I, James Dyson, can endorse with my genius, because the pleco is the only beast in God’s disgusting flawed creation which doesn’t lose suction. Oh, would that all animals contributed to the cleansing of this horrible world. It is a consummation devoutly to be wished.

 

 

10/10

 

 

 

[1]Being me is a horrible burden.

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