Category Archives: dinosaurs

Yoshi

Yoshi

As the Year of Luigi draws to a close in just twenty days, I’m sure we all find ourselves reflecting. Reflecting on what we accomplished with the time of Luigi we’ve been given, how our circumstances of Luigi have changed, and where in Luigi we hope to be in the future. This seems the perfect time to rate Luigi’s most faithful steed, the Yoshi.

this wild Yoshi you cannot tame

It’s not an exclusive relationship.

Special powers

The Yoshi has a great tongue. It’s a better tongue than you’ll ever have. It’s long and sticky and can grab stuff at a distance, even big living stuff. Koopa Troopa steal your parking spot? If you’re the Yoshi, you can just straight up eat him. No jury in the land would convict you.

Once the Yoshi has swallowed something like a Koopa Troopa, it lays an egg, which it throws around as weapons. It is seriously, seriously messed up.

Weaknesses

In all the animal kingdom, only the Yoshi is known to be born with its own natural saddle, which encourages all manner of people to ride it. It normally doesn’t mind this, but would like to be consulted first.

Number of legs

Two, shod.

Sports proficiencies

The Yoshi is proficient at even more sports than the dog (normally the golden standard for animal diversity in sports performance). There is little overlap, however – primarily because the Yoshi swallows any frisbee it catches. It is a capable athlete in each of the following sports:

  • Tennis
  • Kart racing
  • Baseball
  • Basketball
  • Soccer (or as the Yoshi calls it, “football”)
  • Golf
  • Party

Mario Wiki Talk Page Theater

“Tell me no or yes. It’s facts! I mean, does Yoshi have cancer all the time? No! New article, or new section?”

What if it fought a bear?

Use the floating platforms on either side of the room to get above the bear when it stomps. From there you can jump on its head. Repeat twice, and beware of when the bear puts on its spike hat.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The Yoshi is already a terrific animal, and then you add that it comes in whatever color you want, like a dang car?

amazing technicolor yoshi

Artist’s interpretation.

That’s the icing on the cake. Except actual cakes know how eggs work.

 

 

 

9.5/10

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Stegosaurus

Stegosaurus

What killed the dinosaurs? Was it a Great Flood? Was it an Armageddon? Was it a Deep Impact? Was it a flap of Jeff Goldblum‘s wings? The answer, believe it or not, is tied to this week’s animal, our hundredth here at Rate Every Animal, the stegosaurus.

stegosaurus

Happy 100, everybody! Well, mostly me. I did it.

The stegosaurus died all those years back with the other dinosaurs, right? Well, yes and no. It did die in the past (hence the bones), but it did not originate there. The stegosaurus is from the future. It has traveled all around the timestream, but it spent a lot of its time in two eras in particular: the late Jurassic and the early 1940s.[1]

While in the ’40s, the stegosaurus befriended some scientists. It offered to assist them in developing something known as the Manhattan Project.[2] They needed a safe place to test their bomb. The stegosaurus died in an attempt to test the atomic bomb in an unpopulated area in the late Cretaceous – specifically Old Pterosaur Johnson‘s house while he was away on vacation. Obviously, the stegosaur had never heard the old time-traveler’s rhyme about transporting nuclear material through time outside of a protective aluminum package. Perhaps if it had a time-traveler role model to look up to, that role model could have taught the stegosaurus stuff like that.

Special powers

The stegosaurus has access to a time machine. It also has giant spiky plates coming out of its back and tail like some kinda Battlebot. The tail spikes are called the thagomizer, because of a cartoon Gary Larson made and it’s crap like this that makes weirdos believe scientists are just making things up as they go along.

The Far Side

“The fate of Thag Simmons notwithstanding, dinosaurs and humans did not exist in the same era,” Wikipedia helpfully adds.

Weaknesses

The stegosaurus might still be alive today/yesterday/tomorrow if not for its lack of a time-traveling mentor.

It also suffers from a famously tiny, tiny, barely-there brain. Less commented upon is its weak lungs, but the stegosaurus can’t go for fifteen minutes of physical activity without coming to a wheezy stop.

Number of legs

Four.

Drink of choice

3-D-printed sriracha-infused vodka Red Bull, or a Moscow Mule, depending on availability.

Notable accomplishments

Beyond helping the Manhattan Project along, the stegosaurus has also used its time-traveling ways to save Crimean War era Europe from the Cybermen, prevent the birth of Adolfina Hitler, win Card Sharks, give Thomas Dam the idea for troll dolls, and eat ferns from over 100 different centuries.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear would get thagomized.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The stegosaurus is a good dinosaur, despite being from the future. I mean, it spent most of its time among the dinosaurs; it acts like a dinosaur; it looks like a dinosaur – and a cool one, at that. I’m calling it a dinosaur.

It would deserve a high rating even if it hadn’t saved history at least twice. But it did, and that more than makes up for the puny brain.

 

9/10

 

 

 

[1]It also liked to occasionally go to the mid-2020s to cut loose with some laser-disco and 3-D-printed sriracha-infused vodka Red Bulls.

[2]Ironically, Manhattan Project scientists preferred Moscow Mules.

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