Category Archives: debated nobility

Roadrunner

Roadrunner

The famous musical rapper Jay-Z once said, “Allow me to reintroduce myself.” That is inevitably what I would like to do in addition as well. My name is Randall. Nathan, who usually writes this Internet site, is my older cousin. In the past I have provided guest posts as a writing exorcism so that my essays at school will be better, more improved, and get good grades.

Today, I am rating the roadrunner, which I agreed to before I knew it was another bird, which I have stated before that I do not like because they are almost always very boring. This is the roadrunner:

Remember to put a caption in

Remember to put a caption in

Special powers

The roadrunner has the fastest running speed of any bird who can also fly. I’m not a sciencetist but I’ve been thinking about this a lot and I think it means there are birds that can’t fly that are faster at running. And there are birds that can fly faster, like for example’s sake the falcon, which is cool and good. For these reasons, I believe the Loony Toons cartoons are exaggerated.

Therefore, we can conclude that it is only sometimes able to trick coyotes into suicide.

Weaknesses

It can’t fly, despite being a stupid bird.

Number of legs

Two.

Number of toes

Four on each foot, half forward-ways and half backwards.

Chief imports and exports

According to the CIA Factbook, “Your search – roadrunner – did not match any documents.”

What if it fought a bear?

No offense, but so what if it did? I don’t think we should judge it because of the principal of don’t be a hater. I think if more people were as open-minded about not judging people for getting in fights, there would be less people in detention.

Is it noble?

I don’t know.

Final rating

The roadrunner may be a bird, but it at least is different enough that I didn’t realize that when I agreed to review it. This then does beg a question if Nathan decepted me on purpose. But at any rate, I will be kinder to the roadrunner in my rating than I would to a more typical and less unique bird.

In conclusion, the roadrunner is a land of contrasts.

 

 

4.5/10

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Manakin

Manakin

For a dark, nearly two-month period this year, Jaden Smith did not tweet. People wondered: why? Where would he put his thoughts? The answer is he rented a small space on this blog. Unfortunately, due to publishing lead times, our lengthy vetting process, and weather patterns, only now – after his triumphant return to Twitter – are we revealing this collection of things Jaden would otherwise have tweeted in the time he was gone from our social media lives.

Of course, he did not rent the entirety of this web space. There is still animal-rating business to attend to – specifically, the rating of the manakin.

It has a fun new haircut, courtesy of the folks behind the Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney game series.

It has a fun new haircut, courtesy of the folks behind the Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney game series.

Special powers

There are numerous varieties of manakin, each with their own special power. Some can make a pronounced sound with their wings like a grasshopper rubbing its legs together or a violinist rubbing his/her legs on a violin. The helmeted manakin can do incredible skateboard stunts. The jet manakin is extremely fast. The fiery-capped manakin is immune to lava. The white-collared manakin has connections in the federal government. The tiny tyrant-manakin can levy taxes and execute prisoners.

All can fly.

Weaknesses

Like a troll, the manakin can be defeated by solving its riddle. Its current riddle is “Without looking it up, name the full title of the second Guy Ritchie Sherlock Holmes.” It is basically unstoppable.

Number of legs

Two, not counting the wings.

Jaden’s Wisdom Corner

  • Forrest Gump Has All The History I Need To Know

  • Moses Was Put In A Basket On The River. Do The Same With Your Fear.

  • Maybe What I Call Purple You See As Sour Cream

  • Due To The Empty Space Between Electrons. We Are Nothing Just As Much As We Are Something. I Will Be Doing A DJ Set In Miami Tonight.

  • The Realest Adventures Of Jonny Quest Were In QuestWorld.

  • If It’s A Touch Down Why Does The Score Go Up

  • “You Look Nice Today,” Mateo Said. “Sight Is A Lie We Tell Ourselves In Real Time,” I Replied.

  • All The History I Need To Know Is In A Nightmare On Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors

  • Never Let Anyone Tell You You’re Not Tall Enough To Ride. Your Mind Isn’t Short.

  • The World Would Be Better If Instead Of Making Dogs Mayors We Made Mayors Dogs

  • In This Universe We Process Time Linearly Forward. But Outside Of Our Space-Time, From What Would Be A Fourth-Dimensional Perspective, Time Wouldn’t Exist. And From That Vantage, Could We Attain It? We See Our Space-Time Would Look Flattened. Like A Single Sculpture Of Matter And Super-Position Of Every Place It Ever Occupied. Our Sentience Is Just Cycling Through Our Lives Like Carts On A Track. Everything Outside Our Dimension: That’s Eternity. Eternity Looking Down On Us. To Us, It’s A Sphere, But To Them It’s A Circle.

  • Mateo Says Somebody Already Said The Stuff I Talked About In My Last Message

  • After Earth Is The Greatest Movie I’ve Ever Seen

  • If We Just Stop Teaching Shapes In School, No One Could Build Another Prison

  • The Moon Is Impossible

What if it fought a bear?

The bear skipped both RDJ Sherlock Holmes movies because it “doesn’t like foreign films.” It is doomed.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Even the tiny tyrant-manakin?

No. Not that one.

Final rating

There’s a little something for everyone with the manakin. And it looks dynamite, manga hair or no.

It just realized it left the oven on.

It just realized it left the oven on.

 

 

 

8.5/10

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Monitor lizard

Monitor lizard

There is one inescapable question we must ask ourselves about the monitor lizard.

What is it here to monitor?

WHO SENT YOU

Who sent you?
(Source http://www.shutterstock.com/gallery-769606p1.html)

Special powers

It is watching. Always watching. Its motives are unknown. Is it, like Uatu, sworn not to intervene? Is it a spy, sent in advance of a malevolent force to perform reconnaissance? Is it an agent of Santa Claus?

Sometimes, in addition to watching, it will reproduce asexually.

Weaknesses

The monitor lizard complains like an old man, but it uses insufficiently old references. These are quotes it has been heard to say:

  • “In my day, our smartphones only had 2 Gs and we liked it.”

  • “I’m tired of all these Arian Grandos and Izzy Arugulas. Whatever happened to real music, like Ke$ha?”

  • “Kids nowadays don’t know how good they’ve got it. Used to be you wanted to edit a Vine, you had to do it outside the program. Now it’s all in-app.”

  • “Once upon a time, NBC was on top of the world, you know. My Name Is Earl, Celebrity Apprentice, Lipstick Jungle… They had it all.”

  • “It’s disgusting how the art of communication has been lost. AIM chats. Those were our snapchats.”

  • “I can’t go to these loud modern movies, all destroyed cities and Hans Zimmer music. It used to be, Hollywood made intelligent, restrained films, like Reindeer Games.”

  • “Now I gotta learn how to deal with Lollipop? I was just getting used to Jelly Bean!”

Number of legs

Four.

Status of tongue

Forked.

Notable relatives

It is the komodo dragon‘s kin.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear has sworn to tear out the monitor lizard’s eyes as a message. To whom and why, it will not divulge. The bear knows something.

Is it noble?

I wish I knew.

Final rating

I don’t know your game, monitor lizard. I know you’re a mild pain to be around, but I can’t help but wonder if all that kvetching isn’t an act to disguise your true purpose. I’ll crack you yet. Until I do, you remain an enigma. Say hi to the komodo dragon at Thanksgiving for me.

 

 

 

5/10

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Goblin shark

Goblin shark

When a shark and a goblin love each other very much, they contract a mad scientist to create an unholy hybrid known as the goblin shark.

add me to your five! :^{}

This is its MySpace picture.

Special powers

The goblin shark’s mouth is a horrifying nightmare weapon, filled with crazy teeth and able to leap forward and snatch prey.

noooooo

No no no no no no no

It is a real good swimmer.

Weaknesses

The goblin shark is weak against exosuit cargo-loaders. It used to have vulnerabilities to torches and pitchforks, but it has since removed those flaws.

Number of legs

None.

Favorite video game

It has eaten four separate copies of Ecco the Dolphin.

Celebrity birthdays

As the goblin shark was not literally born, the goblin shark does not have a birthday per se. But on the day its body was given animation, these celebrities were born by natural means:

  • Bruce Willis, an American actor who portrayed Unbreakable in the film Unbreakable

  • The Panda’s Accomplice, an athlete in the Chinese Basketball Association

  • Jimmie “The Beast” Foxx, the baseball player who first realized he could double his chances of hitting pitches by using two bats

What if it fought a bear?

The bear eschews most advanced technology, including exosuit cargo-loaders. The goblin shark would defeat it.

Is it noble?

Half.

Final rating

The goblin shark’s goblin half may – may – be balanced by its shark side. But as a creation of mad science, it has no soul. Its MySpace bio makes that much clear.

 

 

2.5/10

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Octopus

Octopus

“Octopussy! She is Octopussy!
Beware her ink
You’re sure to sink
Into her sea of lies
Her advanced eyes
Will see you meet your doom
At the eight strong hands of Octopussy!”

 – Theme from Octopussy

Those lyrics are as true today as they were the day they were written. The octopus is not just a fanciful foe of James Bond. It is all too real, my friend.

octopus

This could be just an inch below your feet any time you’re in the ocean. Have fun!

Special powers

We mammals all have a heart inside us. Most others are the same way. The octopus, clearly just showing off, has three.[1]

Beyond this blood-pumping triple threat, the octopus has many special powers: poison, considerable intelligence – including tool use, ink squirting, the ability to change color at will, excellent vision, a salivary papilla which is a tooth-covered organ that shoots out from its sharp beak, etcetera.

There are even specializations on top of all that. The mimic octopus does impressions and is a wizard. Paul the Octopus was a psychic who predicted World Cup winners, but could not foresee his own untimely death in a car accident.

Weaknesses

We mammals all have a spooky skeleton inside us. Most others are the same way, or wear their skeletons on the outside, as bugs do. The octopus, however, has no skeleton at all.

Contrary to popular belief, the octopus hates gardening. The Beatles, in their famous song about the subject, were using irony. You like them now, right, kids?

Number of legs

Eight, two rows of suckers each.

Courtship

The male octopus has a special sperm-filled arm dedicated to this purpose, which it breaks off its own body and gifts to a female in a tasteful but creative ceremony. For a spell, flash mobs and jumbotrons were popular ways to make the offering, but are now looked on as cliché.

What if it fought a bear?

That bear you think you see is just the octopus doing a pretend. The real bear was defeated thirty-five minutes ago.

Is it noble?

The octopus’s motives are known only to itself.

Final rating

This inscrutable creature is very powerful indeed. Honestly, I’d say it’s OP and ready for a nerf. And no, I’m not just saying that because I am being repeatedly owned. I don’t need to learn 2 play, octopus! I know how 2 play just fine!

 

6.5/10

 

 

[1]Eat your super-sized singular heart out, Grinch.

 

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Dwarf pipe snake

Dwarf pipe snake

The dwarf pipe snake is easy to understand. All you have to do is picture the Asian pipe snake, but pretend it doesn’t have a chin groove. You’re almost there, but also…

Actually, forget it. Who can think about the dwarf pipe snake at a time like this? We are in the middle of award season, and it is getting heated. I’m talking about the Globes, the Grammys, the Latin Grammys, the Prussian Grammys, the Venusian MegaGrammys, the PGAs, the DGAs, the SAGs, the J*A*Gs, the People’s Choice Awards, all leading up to the Oscars just a mere seven months from now. There’s a lot to analyze, so let’s take a look first at some animals who are top contenders this year.

Top contenders

As always, the blue whale is a heavy[1] favorite in all the music categories. It should win all manner of Grammys and get ever closer to its goal of filling its bathtub entirely with the things. And it has one big bathtub, friend.

Speaking of music, the drake has a strong possibility of winning Best Rap Song for “Started From The Bottom” about finding a choice piece of bread that sank to the lake floor.

male duck

“You’re a good hen and you know it.”

Everyone is looking to the porcupine to win Pointiest Quills, and not just because the voters are all petrified it will kill someone if it loses. That award genuinely seems tailor-made for it, honestly, especially the part where its name has already been etched into it by the sculptor at quill-point.

Achievement in Noses is the proboscis monkey‘s to lose.

And of course, the tree frog is expected to take home Wackest Living Creature for the ninety-sixth year running.

Dark horse picks

If you’re going to win your office awards pool, you can’t just pick the big names everyone expects to win. You need to select some lower profile animals who have a good shot at pulling off the upset.

Animals like the mule. It doesn’t have the pedigree of some other nominees, but don’t underestimate the appeal of youth and a good personal story. It just might surprise people and knock off an obvious favorite like the dark horse.

black horse

It’s hard to beat.

I freely admit this is a long shot, but if Tim Allen does rush in from nowhere to slam K.K. Barrett from the top rope and win Best Production Design, a category in which he is neither nominated nor eligible, I will win $956 million. I couldn’t afford not to place that bet.

Snubs and flubs

The various bodies that hand out awards this time of year aren’t infallible, I’m afraid. After all, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association was made up by a sixth-grader and has only continued to exist out of momentum. That’s just one example. The others have their own problems[2], and so have fallen into some serious flubs, not to mention snubs as well.

Foremost among these is totally ignoring the cat for its supporting performance in Inside Llewyn Davis. You know how people sometimes say New York City is like its own character? Well, the cat is a million times better in Inside Llewyn Davis than New York is in any movie, though maybe not Barkhad Abdi good. But still, it deserved a nomination.

what an odd couple

Shame on you, Oscar.

Consider next the ridiculous nomination of the bat for Achievement in Fruit-Eating Among Mammals. Don’t get me wrong; it’s not that I think the bat isn’t a world-class fruit-eater. I vote to induct it into the Hall of Fame every year I can. My issue is that as you can tell by its wings, the bat is clearly a bird. Duh-doy.

Speaking of categorization controversy, there has been much talk of the California condor being deemed ineligible in the meat-eating categories because, according to the academy, its meals are derivative of another animal’s kill.

What to watch for

Awards season isn’t all just a list of winners and losers nominees. Much of the excitement[citation needed] comes from the ceremonies themselves. Who will wow on the red carpet? Who will beach themselves on the red carpet and nearly asphyxiate to death? Will someone make a hilarious and timely joke about Kanye West upstaging Taylor Swift five years ago?

The chamois is sure to pull some kind of mysterious stunt to promote its next project.

The whole fashion industry is on the edge of their seats to see the swan‘s wardrobe after last year’s “human” dress that got everyone talking (none of it complimentary). But hey, she felt like a princess, albeit a creepy Thomas Harris nightmare princess. It will be a hard act to follow at any rate.

Keep an eye on the presenters this year. If you look closely, you may find that a full 58% of them forget to read the teleprompter out loud and instead just mouth the words along with it. Thanks to tape delay, these presenters can immediately dub themselves before the East Coast feed even notices.

Final rating

The dwarf pipe snake is boring.

 

2/10

 

 

 

 

 

[1]Both figuratively and literally.

[2]Word is, J.D. Power killed and ate two Associates this year.

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Fruit fly

Fruit fly

I'm Morley Safer

TICKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICK

And now, a few minutes with the friendly ghost of Andy Rooney.

Andy Rooney, 60 Minutes

I’ve been asked to review an animal called the fruit fly. It’s also sometimes called the vinegar fly. I’m no chef, but I don’t think fruit and vinegar are interchangeable. Maybe Rachael Ray could explain that. At any rate, it certainly does like fruit. I visited a friend’s house and the peach tree in their backyard was surrounded by fruit flies.

It makes me wonder why we don’t have other kinds of flies for other kinds of food. I’d rather be a lasagna fly or an ice cream sundae fly, myself. I suppose it wouldn’t be as healthy, but I wouldn’t live long anyway.

Special powers

fruit eye

The fruit fly has complex, red eyes.

I don’t know why they need such complicated eyes. I had the same simple eyes all my life and I think I saw just fine. Maybe the fruit fly sees something I don’t know about. After all, I was never able to see the spirit world when I was alive.

Weaknesses

Speaking of alive, the fruit fly doesn’t live very long. Nowadays, I’m aware of the dense sheets of fruit fly ghosts people walk through and breathe in every day. I wonder how many fruit fly generations lived and died in the course of my life. Which reminds me, why are Heaven’s gates made of pearl? It seems like an arbitrary choice. The streets are made of gold here, which looks mighty impressive, but I don’t know what was wrong with concrete.

Number of legs

The fruit fly has six legs. And I thought I hated buying shoes. Why are feet the only thing we feel the need to measure in some kind of steel clamp? I can tell you now if Men’s Wearhouse used that technology for their fitting sessions, I wouldn’t be wearing the suit you see me in today.

Sexual desires

According to National Geographic News, as summarized by Wikipedia, “The female fruit fly prefers a shorter duration when it comes to sex. Males, on the other hand, prefer it to last longer.” You can judge for yourself if that matches up with your experience.

What if it fought a bear?

I don’t know what would happen if a fruit fly fought a bear, but I know that when I tried it my family was too distraught to admit my actual cause of death.

Is it noble?

I don’t understand the question.

Final rating

Scientists like to study the fruit fly because of some surprising similarities to humans, including what diseases it can get. When the world feels so divided, there’s something oddly comforting knowing that even someone as different as a fruit fly can have something in common with me.

But I don’t like sharing my peaches. That’s what led to the situation with the bear.

 

 

5.5/10

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Salmon

Salmon

Gooooood evening and welcome to Debate Every Animal! We’re taking the hottest animals of the week; we’re chewing ’em up and we’re spitting ’em out in your face! Pow!

[Insert aggressive title graphic here. See if the FOX robot is available.]

Here on the panel today with me are Chip Dipson.

CD: Hi Nathan. I’m beside myself with rage.

NC: And Dip Dobson. Dip?

DD: Thanks for havin’ me, fellas. I just wanna say my blood pressure is higher than the Andes. It’s the silent killer, Nathan!

NC: Ha ha, that it is, Dip. That it is. All right, enough jaw-chaw. Let’s get to Mazda First Shots.(TM)

[Another loud title graphic. Gunshot sound effects are heard, along with faint screaming.]

NC: Fish! Can’t live with ’em, cannot microwave ’em without a smell! Never truer than of the salmon, who has been making waves[1] lately in the animal world. But is it a winner? Or a worthless piece of crap? Chip, what’s your Mazda First Shot(TM)?

CD: I mean, look, what can I say?

NC: Your opinion, in the form of things that aren’t swear words.

CD: Okay, thanks. I was wondering. I’m a skeptic on the salmon. There are thirty fish I would pick before I even need to consider the salmon.

DD: Are you serious right now?!

CD: Angelfish. Tilapia. Narwhal. Hogfish. Literally any shark. And I’m biased, but my bro the devil fish. It’s like the old truism: There are plenty of fish in the sea.

DD: Truism? More like false-ism. The hogfish hasn’t been relevant in years. And besides that, the narwhal isn’t even a fish.

CD: Alright, let’s not split hairs.

NC: Please don’t talk about hares; need I remind you this is a conversation about fish. Dip, your response?

Special powers

DD: The salmon is at the top of its game right now, and I’d put it up against the tilapia or devil fish any day. I’m not sayin’ it’s gonna come out on top every time, but 50% of the time. Chip, not one of those animals you listed makes an incredible journey home to spawn. The angelfish hardly strays from its reef. Where are the homing abilities? Where are the pure athletic jumps up waterfalls?

keep going, salmon

CD: We can talk all we want about athleticism and jumps, and I’m just gonna ignore for a second that the salmon is no dolphin when it comes to those.

DD: Oh, as if that’s a fair comparison.

CD: You brought it up!

DD: I’ll take second place.

CD: Yeah, you will, in this debate.

Weaknesses

CD: What’s happening as the salmon is doing all that jumping? The bear is getting its mouth positioned right in its target path!

NC: Please, Chip. We have a separate segment for bear-related inquiries.

CD: I’m sorry, Nathan, but I am riled up; I am roided up; and I am peeved out!

Number of legs

NC: Let’s go around the table for some quick predictions. How many legs does the salmon have at the end of the season?

DD: Four.

CD: Zero.

DD: Are you kiddin’ me?

CD: I don’t think it’s got it in it, Dip.

DD: You’re a hater. There’s no reasoning with you, you slobbering moron.

CD: We’ll see, you slack-jawed dirtmonkey.

Varieties

NC: Okay, setting aside the larger debate and getting micro. We got a lotta different kinds of salmon competing out there. Atlantic, Chinook, Chum, Pink, Sockeye, Steelhead, Balsaface, Lampbutt, Danube, Silver… Who’s your pick?

DD: You know, the Danube’s got the size advantage being the largest, but I think what it comes down to is passion. And when you want passion, you want the humpy.[2] I think the Pink Salmon’s gonna surprise a lot of people.

CD: I’m not gonna shock anybody here, but if I have to go with a salmon, I’m gonna go with the Chinook or King Salmon. Right?

DD: I’m not gonna say anything bad about that choice.

CD: I’ve gotta give it props. It’s a solid ruler and it has a good head on its shoulders.[3]

Elite status

NC: The salmon is one of the most famous fish active today. It has been served on millions of dinner plates. But is it an elite fish, a phrase which holds zero meaning and has been invented for the purposes of this discussion?

CD: I think we know where I fall on this. The salmon doesn’t have the hunting prowess or the beauty of the elite fish. It’s B-list material.

DD: Have you forgotten about the Salmon of Knowledge, you whimpering scum-slurper? This thing had all the collective wisdom of the universe.

CD: Yeah, yeah, we all know about the Salmon of Knowledge, you nutless twit. But it gained the wisdom of ancient times, when they thought meat was made of flies and nothing made you sicker than your own blood and whatnot.

salmon of knowledge

The ancients: Idiots?

What if it fought a bear?

CD: Look, the bear eats salmon every friggin’ day. The salmon jumps right in there, in the most misguided possible kamikaze attempt. Until the salmon finally remembers to strap a bomb to itself before it tries this little tactical gambit, the bear’s just gonna keep racking up the kills.

Salmon jumps into bear mouth

DD: I can’t disagree with ya, Chip, you filthy junk-jockey.

CD: Finally!

DD: Jumping directly into the mouth of your predator is a boneheaded, rookie move, and it’s an old habit the salmon needs to break – and soon.

Is it noble?

DD: Yes.

CD: Not a chance.

Final rating

NC: Gentlemen, it’s that time. What is your Geico “Oy it’s a lizard innit” Final Rating?

CD: 6/10.

DD: 8/10.

NC: I’m going 7/10. We’ll see you next week, when we’re not doing this dumb bit.

 

 

 

 

[1]Splash sound effect.

[2]Also known as the pink salmon.

[3]Do fish have shoulders? Check in next week for High Life Corrections and Regrets sponsored by Miller High Life.

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