Category Archives: birds

Drongo

Drongo

The drongo may appear demonic, but it is a wholly earthborn fiend.

Hell is not responsible for this.

Hell is not responsible for this.

The drongo uses alarm calls when there is no predator in the area to scare off other animals so the drongo can swoop in and eat the food they left in their panic. It will even mimic other species’ calls to accomplish its nefarious purposes. Basically the drongo took shouting “fire” in a crowded theatre and made that its primary way of life.

Special powers

The drongo is an impressive impressionist.

It can fly.

Weaknesses

The drongo is a compulsive liar. It claimed to have made a full court basketball shot. It claimed to have an uncle who works at Nintendo who told him MISSINGNO was playable in Super Smash Bros. It claimed to speak Portuguese. It claimed it invented Facebook. It claimed bears are just big raccoons. It claimed to be the inspiration for the lyrics of Carly Simon’s “Nobody Does It Better.” It claimed to have been in line first.

All these claims have been rated Pants on Fire by PolitiFact.

Number of legs

Two, plus wings.

Do I own a Beanie Baby of it?

The drongo sold me what it purported to be just that, but its tag describes it as a “Boinie Babby” by “Tyy Inc.” So, I’m inclined to guess no.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear has heard the lies the drongo spread about it, and it will have vengeance.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The drongo has been lying so long, it doesn’t even know itself what is real any more.

 

 

 

2/10

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Roadrunner

Roadrunner

The famous musical rapper Jay-Z once said, “Allow me to reintroduce myself.” That is inevitably what I would like to do in addition as well. My name is Randall. Nathan, who usually writes this Internet site, is my older cousin. In the past I have provided guest posts as a writing exorcism so that my essays at school will be better, more improved, and get good grades.

Today, I am rating the roadrunner, which I agreed to before I knew it was another bird, which I have stated before that I do not like because they are almost always very boring. This is the roadrunner:

Remember to put a caption in

Remember to put a caption in

Special powers

The roadrunner has the fastest running speed of any bird who can also fly. I’m not a sciencetist but I’ve been thinking about this a lot and I think it means there are birds that can’t fly that are faster at running. And there are birds that can fly faster, like for example’s sake the falcon, which is cool and good. For these reasons, I believe the Loony Toons cartoons are exaggerated.

Therefore, we can conclude that it is only sometimes able to trick coyotes into suicide.

Weaknesses

It can’t fly, despite being a stupid bird.

Number of legs

Two.

Number of toes

Four on each foot, half forward-ways and half backwards.

Chief imports and exports

According to the CIA Factbook, “Your search – roadrunner – did not match any documents.”

What if it fought a bear?

No offense, but so what if it did? I don’t think we should judge it because of the principal of don’t be a hater. I think if more people were as open-minded about not judging people for getting in fights, there would be less people in detention.

Is it noble?

I don’t know.

Final rating

The roadrunner may be a bird, but it at least is different enough that I didn’t realize that when I agreed to review it. This then does beg a question if Nathan decepted me on purpose. But at any rate, I will be kinder to the roadrunner in my rating than I would to a more typical and less unique bird.

In conclusion, the roadrunner is a land of contrasts.

 

 

4.5/10

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Manakin

Manakin

For a dark, nearly two-month period this year, Jaden Smith did not tweet. People wondered: why? Where would he put his thoughts? The answer is he rented a small space on this blog. Unfortunately, due to publishing lead times, our lengthy vetting process, and weather patterns, only now – after his triumphant return to Twitter – are we revealing this collection of things Jaden would otherwise have tweeted in the time he was gone from our social media lives.

Of course, he did not rent the entirety of this web space. There is still animal-rating business to attend to – specifically, the rating of the manakin.

It has a fun new haircut, courtesy of the folks behind the Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney game series.

It has a fun new haircut, courtesy of the folks behind the Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney game series.

Special powers

There are numerous varieties of manakin, each with their own special power. Some can make a pronounced sound with their wings like a grasshopper rubbing its legs together or a violinist rubbing his/her legs on a violin. The helmeted manakin can do incredible skateboard stunts. The jet manakin is extremely fast. The fiery-capped manakin is immune to lava. The white-collared manakin has connections in the federal government. The tiny tyrant-manakin can levy taxes and execute prisoners.

All can fly.

Weaknesses

Like a troll, the manakin can be defeated by solving its riddle. Its current riddle is “Without looking it up, name the full title of the second Guy Ritchie Sherlock Holmes.” It is basically unstoppable.

Number of legs

Two, not counting the wings.

Jaden’s Wisdom Corner

  • Forrest Gump Has All The History I Need To Know

  • Moses Was Put In A Basket On The River. Do The Same With Your Fear.

  • Maybe What I Call Purple You See As Sour Cream

  • Due To The Empty Space Between Electrons. We Are Nothing Just As Much As We Are Something. I Will Be Doing A DJ Set In Miami Tonight.

  • The Realest Adventures Of Jonny Quest Were In QuestWorld.

  • If It’s A Touch Down Why Does The Score Go Up

  • “You Look Nice Today,” Mateo Said. “Sight Is A Lie We Tell Ourselves In Real Time,” I Replied.

  • All The History I Need To Know Is In A Nightmare On Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors

  • Never Let Anyone Tell You You’re Not Tall Enough To Ride. Your Mind Isn’t Short.

  • The World Would Be Better If Instead Of Making Dogs Mayors We Made Mayors Dogs

  • In This Universe We Process Time Linearly Forward. But Outside Of Our Space-Time, From What Would Be A Fourth-Dimensional Perspective, Time Wouldn’t Exist. And From That Vantage, Could We Attain It? We See Our Space-Time Would Look Flattened. Like A Single Sculpture Of Matter And Super-Position Of Every Place It Ever Occupied. Our Sentience Is Just Cycling Through Our Lives Like Carts On A Track. Everything Outside Our Dimension: That’s Eternity. Eternity Looking Down On Us. To Us, It’s A Sphere, But To Them It’s A Circle.

  • Mateo Says Somebody Already Said The Stuff I Talked About In My Last Message

  • After Earth Is The Greatest Movie I’ve Ever Seen

  • If We Just Stop Teaching Shapes In School, No One Could Build Another Prison

  • The Moon Is Impossible

What if it fought a bear?

The bear skipped both RDJ Sherlock Holmes movies because it “doesn’t like foreign films.” It is doomed.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Even the tiny tyrant-manakin?

No. Not that one.

Final rating

There’s a little something for everyone with the manakin. And it looks dynamite, manga hair or no.

It just realized it left the oven on.

It just realized it left the oven on.

 

 

 

8.5/10

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Blue jay

Blue jay

The crow family is not typically known for its good looks or outgoing nature, but today’s featured animal is something of a blue sheep in those regards. It’s the blue jay, and it’s both those things despite its familial ties.

Special powers

The blue jay has the gift of gab. The Kingfisher Illustrated Encyclopedia of Animals uncharitably describes this by saying “The colorful but elusive jay is best known for its harsh, scraping call.”

It also has high-level television decision-making power. Along with its fellow executives, it has approved numerous new series to air in the 2015-16 season, as announced this week at “upfronts.”[1] These include…

Chicago Animal Control: From superstar producer Dick Wolf comes the latest tale of the men and women who keep the Windiest City safe. This team specializes in what can happen when our furry friends… become furry foes. From Wolf Films.

The Unit: Declassified: All your favorite heroes from the original run of The Unit are back in this special eventized limited edition foil-packaged series! Donald Palmsbert! Bill Ryan! Swan McTavish! Cara Burpentallh! Tex Negroni! Fott Scully! When a threat from their past infiltrates the highest levels of the government, only The Unit can be trusted to save the nation. From MiddKid Productions.

Pop Sensation: Contestants try desperately to win big prizes by popping balloons in several fast-paced party games, as hosted by Mr. T. From Millennium Squared Studios.

Thin-Skinned: Dr. Blake Berger (Adrian Pasdar) is one of the most talented dermatologists in the world. Ironically, the one skin the perpetually offended doctor can’t strengthen is his own. From Weebletone Signature.

Great Old One: This time, it’s Cthulhu who will start taking calls when the ancient water god comes up from the deep and helps Detective Joanna Thurston (Amber Stevens West) catch criminals. The mystery thickens when bodies start turning up related to a cult worshiping the Elder Things. From FlanderWest Studios.

Untitled Apparently Kid Project: A Pennsylvania child (Apparently Kid) strikes it rich at a carnival game and uses his newfound millionaire status to fund a documentary crew to follow his daily adventures. Apparently, it’s a wild ride! From Bruntwad Productions.

Oh Henry!: A sitcom about a man who just can’t stop overthinking things, and his friends who are at different points in their lives. Charles Shaughnessy, Larisa Oleynick and ALF star. From Cundleswick Studios.

Weaknesses

The blue jay experiences unironic emotion when hearing that Wiz Khalifa song from Furious 7.

It never uses crosswalks.

It has a neckbeard:

The sideburns are really something too.

The sideburns are really something too.

Number of legs

Two, plus wings.

Do I own a Beanie Baby of it?

Yes.

Unfortunate duties

Due to an ill-advised bet it made many years ago, the blue jay has to go every Friday to Hell to take sticks to the Devil. What does Satan do with sticks anyway?

Nothing good, we can presume.

Nothing good, we can presume.

What if it fought a bear?

It did try to fight a bear. The blue jay was so aggressive, the bear got freaked out and assumed against all evidence that the blue jay must know something about its fighting prowess that the bear didn’t, so it backed down. Score one for the blue jay.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

With the blue jay’s colors, it is probably my all-time number one favorite bird to look at. But those shows don’t look very good.

 

 

9.5/10

 

 

 

[1]This is a time when the networks are very “upfront” with everyone about how much they love Matthew Perry and Kyle Bornheimer.

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Terror bird

Terror bird

It is more properly known as the phorusrhacid, but those who met it[1] knew it by another name: terror bird.

artist's interpretation

Its mom called it Elroy (she always preferred its middle name).

Special powers

The terror bird walked South America millions of years ago on big ol’ talons. It stood two or three meters tall, making it a very big boy. It would grab prey in its huge beak and smash it against the ground until it would stop moving. This technique is practiced today by the roadrunner[2] and Rob Lowe.

This is the terror bird's skull next to some keys. Have fun thinking about how big this thing was!

This is the terror bird’s skull next to some keys. Have fun thinking about how big this thing was!

Oh, and also it instilled terror in its foes with its demonic powers it learned from a correspondence course.

Weaknesses

It couldn’t fly.

It also couldn’t look in a mirror without accidentally terrifying itself, so its wigs were frequently askew.

Number of legs

Two.

Who terrifies the terror bird?

I don’t know, God I guess.

Fierceness factor

100%.

Reason for extinction

Stunted too hard on a crotch rocket.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear has not often known fear, but the terror bird could fix that.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The terror bird lives up to its name just on pure physicality, before you factor in the dark arts. It just had terrible decision-making.

 

8.5/10

 

 

 

[1]And those who don’t have a trophy room dedicated to commemorating their spelling bee triumphs.

[2]“Meep meep” translates roughly to “My thirst for blood shall soon be slaked.”

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Lovebird

Lovebird

The lovebird and I have a lot in common. Mate for life? Check? Love to nuzzle beaks? Check. Enjoy the works of Sir Conan Arthur Doyle? Check. Beautiful plumage? Check.

Special powers

The lovebird is one of the greatest flautists of all time. It hides a micro-flute in its throat and pretends it’s just a natural singing voice, but it’s totally a micro-flute.

It mates for life.

It's not shallow about looks.

It’s not shallow about looks.

Weaknesses

It mates for life, so it has to listen to the irritating way its partner eats seeds until the day it dies.

The lovebird over-microwaves popcorn every time.

Number of legs

Two.

Nemeses

The lovebird is at constant word with the wrathbird, the fearbird and all the other negative emotionbirds.

What if it fought a bear?

The power of love is a curious thing. Make one bear weep, make another bear sing.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

Oh, lovebird. Why won’t you admit to your incredible musical ability? We want to celebrate you. But you don’t care. You’re sooooo happy.

What do you have that I don't? Wings and world-class talent? That's probably it.

What do you have that I don’t? Wings and world-class talent? That’s probably it.

 

 

8.5/10

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Swan

Swan

There’s a rumor that the swan used to be an ugly duckling. Is the lovely curvature of its neck the work of plastic surgeons? Or is it the work of the Original Plastic Surgeon, God Almighty? Do you have a minute to talk about our Lord and Savior? No? Well would you like to hear about the swan’s mating habits?

The swan mates for life, with only one exception: if it doesn’t.

Special powers

It has a long neck for reaching for the choicest morsels of soggy bread.

Weaknesses

It has a long neck, perfect for beheading in a rage when your choicest morsels of soggy bread have just been stolen.

Number of legs

Two.

What is its astrological sign?

Gamora.

Varieties

There are five main swans. They are…

  • the tundra swan (the quiet one)

  • the trumpeter swan (the obsessive musical one[1])

  • the mute swan (the other quiet one)

  • the black swan (the bad boy)

  • the whooper swan (cool but rude)

wheee

Babies get to ride it. Just one more reason to be jealous of babies.

What if it fought a bear?

It is said that the swan, before it dies, will sing for the first and last time. When the swan song is heard, the bear will come.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

When you need it, the swan will be there for you. Forever. Unless it isn’t.

 

 

6/10

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Ladybug

Ladybug

There are more apps than ever before. If you don’t believe me, just check the nearest mobile “smart” telephone. What do you see? You guessed it – apps.

These programs do not appear fully formed out of nothing. Someone has to develop them, and in the case of several apps, that someone is the ladybug.

Pictured here soaring over Silicon Valley

Pictured here soaring over Silicon Valley

The ladybug has been fully or partially responsible for…

  • Qarma

  • fone

  • Blokkr

  • CanItMelt?

  • mega

  • picpop

  • Sleestak

  • AccountClam

  • Grundlr

  • Xzibit

  • MeltIt!

  • KAZOW

  • lyme

  • Vend.Me

  • SandyCab

  • Flurnge

  • Plumly

  • zerocool

  • AcidBurn

  • phazify

  • Sumppd

  • Simulvine

  • shovl

  • ShouldIHaveMeltedIt?

  • Linxxxx

The ladybug is insufferable to talk to.

Special powers

In addition to its programming expertise and start-up experience, the ladybug has nine lives and sensitive whiskers.

Weaknesses

If you touch the ladybug, you will find that it stinks horribly.

Number of legs

Six.

A note on categorization

Entomologists prefer to call the ladybug the ladybird beetle, because it is not a true bug, but it is a true bird and as many as three times a lady.

The Kingfisher Illustrated Encyclopedia of Animals Says

“One larva will eat several hundred aphids during its three week development.”

The ladybug is a mass-murderer.

What does Mark Trail think of it?

He finds it useful. For now.

He finds it useful. For now.

What if it fought a bear?

A bear is not an aphid, so it is fine.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Don’t talk to the ladybug. It thinks it’s going to save the world by charging money for weird things. And it stinks. And it hangs out in your house uninvited in the winter.

 

 

3/10

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Quail

Quail

The quail and mankind used to be friends a long time ago.

"You wanna go cruise for babes?"

But I haven’t thought of you lately at all. (Photo from Des Moines Register)

Now, of course, humanity’s BFF is the dog. But in the long-distant past, that role was filled by the quail. Accounts differ as to what exactly broke up the then-inseparable pair. One story is that the quail ate something in the fridge that man was saving for later. One rumor is that man said something bad about the quail’s girlfriend, or possibly its fondue start-up business. Some say the break-up was caused by a betrayal in a game of foursquare, though there’s no consensus on who was the betrayer.

Special powers

Look man, what do you want? It’s the quail. The only power we thought it had was loyalty and if the story about the fridge is true, we know that’s not so. We wanted the rest of that chicken wrap for dinner, quail! We wanted it so bad.

Weaknesses

The qual is subject to the whims and orders of the king quail.

A certain kind of quail was, in punishment for the crime of murder, cursed to forever repeat the name of its victim, Bob White.

Number of legs

Two. Plus two wings.

Wikipedia’s Talk Page Asks

“I Would Like To ?buy Fresh Water Drinkers For thirtytwothirtyfour Naseby 4rd B’ham Beight threHe For Sabina Insha Allah I Will Pay When zit -arrives”

What if it fought a bear?

The quail would challenge the bear to a game of foursquare. The bear would maul it instead.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

We may not remember exactly what you did to us, quail, but we will never forgive you. The dog is way cooler than you, anyway. It would never eat our wrap. It… It puked on the floor and now it’s eating the puke.

…The point stands.

 

3.5/10

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Seagull

Seagull

The biggest name in coastal birds is the seagull. Much like the biggest name in hamburgers is McDonald’s. The seagull is the McDonald’s of beach creatures. That’s not a compliment.

Special powers

Flight, of course. Though it’s also true that it is a great runner.

It worships the Ancient Ones, and may be spared or kept alive longer than the rest of us.

om nom nom

However…

Weaknesses

However, it is a very sloppy eater. It is such a sloppy eater that it extends all the way through the digestion process, right down to its reckless pooping.[1] Like many birds, it’s an idiot. It is also classless. It showed up to the raven‘s wedding in cargo shorts so it could hold more beers.

Number of legs

Two.

Wikipedia’s talk page asks

“Wouldn’t a nice photo of two gulls fighting over the entrails of a herring be a better shot to have uppermost in the giull wikipedia page?”

Other ratings of the seagull

“The herring gull is one of the most successful of birds.” – The Kingfisher Illustrated Encyclopedia of Animals

“An unfortunate misstep that will undoubtedly damage the bird brand.” – Alan Sepinwall

“Promising in concept, flawed in execution. Shipping was fast.” – Amazon user Caitlyn P.

“Terrible. 9.6/10” – IGN

Related sports teams

There are not many teams named for the seagull, but those that are know the pride and fulfillment of achieving victory as a Seagull. Two Australian rugby teams have worn the uniform of the Seagull, but one abandoned it to become the Chargers. You know, like the thing that plugs your phone into the wall. They have brought shame and dishonor upon themselves by choosing this coward’s way out. Once a Seagull, always a Seagull.

Go Sammy Go!

You let down Sammy the Sea Gull of Salisbury University, Gold Coast.

What if it fought a bear?

It would lose.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

You know the saying, “You are what you eat.” The seagull eats garbage.

 

2.5/10



[1]Just like McDonald’s.

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