Category Archives: arachnids

Mite

Mite

Okay, listn. Did I forgrt to writ an ananimal rating? Maybe yes. Maybe also yes. Did Karen bteak op with me? That’s a truth too. Have I ahd a couple? I’m an adult and you’re not my superb visor.

But we’re not here to ta;k about any of thatt. We’re gonna talk about the nite. Sorry, the mi5e. Sorry, the mite.

sorry

sorry

Special powers

It can make you ittchy. That’s nothing. I’m have the supered powres here. DID YOU KNOW if you put teqiula in teh whisky, you will VUKCING TIME TRABELffff I am seven Justice Leauges and I am RUDE. You made a BIG mistaek, Karem.

Weaknesses

Uu88uugh I gotta do all these ctaghoeriis uuuuugh.

The mite is so so tiny. It’s like miscrobocapbly small. Uou need a micorscoep to see it.[1] Why wuld you want to.

Number of legs

Eight.

The Kingfisher Illustrated Encyclopedia of Animals Says

“and they live in all sorts of odd places, including the nostrils of seals, the hearing organs of moths, and decaying cheese.”

Hoo boy hhhhhhhhhh

hhhhhhh

I fel sick.

What if it fought a bear?

Who cares a siht?

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Kaaern come backkkk

 

1.5/10

 

 

 

[1]Juts like Kraren’s heart.

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Giant huntsman spider

Giant huntsman spider

The giant huntsman spider is the largest spider in the world by leg-span (although there is another that is larger by mass). Its leg-span is twelve inches, which you may know as “a foot.” Like fellow oversized creatures Marmaduke and Beethoven, the giant huntsman spider is a scamp who’s constantly getting into adorable hijinks that fluster Charles Grodin.

what a darling

Aww, he thinks he’s people!

For example, the giant huntsman spider will come running with all eight legs pounding against the floor to tackle its adoptive family members when they arrive home. It’s just so happy to see them! And the feeling is mutual, though they’d prefer if the giant huntsman spider wouldn’t track in so much mud.

Special powers

The end of the workday isn’t the only time the giant huntsman spider shows its loyalty in a way that’s both endearing and exasperating. Consider also it sitting at the foot of your bed as you sleep, staring with its many eyes – waiting patiently for you to begin the morning. Such a good boy, but let me sleep in, buddy!

Weaknesses

Sometimes the giant huntsman spider’s cute antics can cost those around it, like when it got so excited on Thanksgiving and spilled the turkey on the floor or the time it dumped out Grandma’s urn to make its pentagram on the floor for The Ritual or when it ran between everyone’s legs and caused the constable to lose balance.

silly billy

Oh, giant huntsman spider, when will you learn you’re not a wee spiderling any more?

The giant huntsman spider can get so ornery when it wants treats.

Number of legs

Eight.

Political connections

The giant huntsman spider’s brother once ran for president.

What if it fought a bear?

The giant huntsman spider gave the bear a friendly hug as it’s so well-equipped to do. The next morning, the bear found a black spot on its paw. Three days later, it committed suicide. It’s a tragic story, but at least it got a little comfort from the giant huntsman spider before it went.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

Oh, giant huntsman spider! I can’t stay mad at that face!

goochie goochie goo

Come down from up there, you mischief-maker!

 

9/10

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Horseshoe crab

Horseshoe crab

Of all those who purport to have legitimate claims to the crab throne, the horseshoe crab‘s pretending is the most egregious. The horseshoe crab, you see, is no crab at all.

horseshoe crab photoshoot

FRAUD

The horseshoe crab is more closely related to the spider, scorpion and xenomorph than any true crab. Still it persists in making plays to establish itself as the crab king.

Special powers

And it has the weaponry to support its campaign. The horseshoe crab’s whole body is covered in a firm leathery carapace. It can use its tail to flip itself back over when upside-down, giving it an instant advantage in BattleBot matches. The horseshoe crab isn’t technically a robot any more than it is a crab, but it hasn’t let that stop it from entering.

Weaknesses

It failed to avoid the Noid.

Number of legs

Ten.

Is its mouth somewhere weird?

Yes, in the middle of all its creepy legs.

horseshoe crab: the view from below

Sweet dreams!

What if it fought a bear?

The bear is just one beast. The horseshoe crab has an army. Oh, I’m sorry; did I not mention the army earlier? It has one.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The horseshoe crab is not crab. It’s not horseshoe. I doubt it’s of this earthly realm. I am thankful its ambitions are limited to the crab kingdom for now, but the crabs can only squabble over their oceanic throne for so long. Eventually, the horseshoe crab’s attentions could be drawn elsewhere. And when that time comes, not even flipping it over will save us.

_

_

8/10

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Black house spider

Black house spider

And then along came a spider…

black house spider

Get it? It’s like Along Came Polly, but for a spider.

The black house spider is one of three closely related species, the other two being the grey house spider, which also exists primarily in Australia and New Zealand, and the White House spider, which exists primarily in the District of Columbia.

Special powers

One does not live in Australia or New Zealand without developing serious toughness to survive the daily onslaught of deadly snakes and goblins. The black house spider has some venom. It’s not the strongest stuff, but how strong is your venom? Exactly. Glass houses, bro.

It also has the standard spider ability of web building.

Weaknesses

The flip side of the black house spider’s web-making ability is that it has all the architectural understanding of that guy in your class who tried to make a tower out of single toothpicks stacked end-on-end, Kevin.

Also like Kevin, it has never read a novel to completion.

Number of legs

Eight.

This week in personal anecdotes of Wikipedians who are probably dead now

“I’ve had a great opportunity to study a fine specimen (female, with spiderlings) in my bathroom window for 6 months now. I must confess to feeding her blowflies that foolishly enter the house. My boy and I think it’s better than T.V. to watch her hunt and kill. It was a very exciting event when the hatchling first emerged. They are growing fast – probably tripled in size in the first few weeks. I have observed both mother and children ‘drinking’ from the web when I have a shower and steam up the bathroom. They spread out on the web and glean the little droplets of dew condensating on the strands. All this time, I have never seen the spiderlings eat anything and yet they are growing well. There are fewer than when first hatched. Do they eat each other? They don’t seem interested in the flies I feed her. It’s a mystery to me. I wondered if anyone had any ideas?Shaun Gardner (talk) 23:19, 13 December 2010 (UTC)”

What does Mark Trail think of it?

Mark Trail on spidersWhat if it fought a bear?

The White House spider could just order the bear arrested. The black house spider has no such recourse.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

It is man’s staunchest ally in the perpetual war against the insect world.

 

7.5/10

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Harvestman

Harvestman

Though more commonly known as the daddy longlegs, this animal is truly the harvestman.

harvestman

Harvestman, harvestman, harvests whatever a spider can.

One thing it is truly not is a spider, though it is related enough to see spiders at Christmas and Thanksgiving. So what is it then? The answer, of course, is an invader from outer space.[1] No one knows why it came to our world, but we know what it has done in the time it’s been here. It conquered and enslaved creatures smaller than it. The harvestman placed blocks in their brains to limit their intelligence – hence why bugs are so, so dumb. Still, the harvestman’s victory has had little effect of the day-to-day of those of us unshrunk by Honey’s husband.

tripod

From the viewpoint of the harvestman’s victim.

Special powers

The harvestman does strong impressions of punctuation marks. It once convinced Merriam Webster herself that it was the exclamation point.

See footnotes. Eight footnotes!

The harvestman as the asterisk.

It is also owner of the most powerful venom in the world. It got it on eBay.

Weaknesses

However, the harvestman only has the one vial of said venom, and it has such sentimental value for it that it would never part with it.

Furthermore, it can’t sew a lick. It tried to make a pair of boxers once and the result was downright tragic. Of course, part of that might have been that it had to put eight leg holes in the thing.

Number of legs

Eight.

Known aliases

As I mentioned before, the harvestman is frequently called the daddy longlegs. It also goes by grandaddy longlegs, grampa tallstiltsgreat uncle octopod and pop-pop extendofeet. These nicknames make no sense and are frankly kind of dumb. Though I do appreciate the distraction they provide from the harvestman’s creepy actual name.

Online presence

The harvestman has not put forward much of itself onto the web, but it is a regular user of its resources. Every single audio file it owns contains “DatPiff Exclusive” in the title.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear is a lot bigger than the harvestman’s usual targets. This fight is over before you can say “squish.”

Is it noble?

It is beyond our small human conceptions of nobility.

Final rating

Many mysteries remain. What will the harvestman harvest? Is this harvest the ultimate goal of its invasion? Should those of us larger than an inch be concerned?

Probably not.

 

5/10

 

 

 

[1]Like some sort of… space inv[ED. NOTE: COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT. CEASE & DESIST]

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Tarantula

Tarantula

tarantula face

Guess who.

It’s everybody’s favorite giant, hairy-legged spider… the tarantula!

Special powers

The tarantula is unusual among poisonous creatures. Most such animals generate their venom through specialized organs that synthesize hate into deadly chemicals. The tarantula is capable of hate, yes, but it is not as spiteful as its reputation might make one think. It is just as venomous as the best of them, however; it just uses a different formula. The tarantula creates poison through the art of dance.

As a result of this unique, home-brewed recipe, the only way to counteract the tarantula’s bite is to reverse the process – to dance it out. The danger, of course, besides dying of venom, is that you will perfectly repeat the tarantula’s own “danse macabre” it used to craft it, and end up dying of double-poison and sentenced to the redundant punishments of Hell-Squared.

Weaknesses

The tarantula lives in small burrows, which it never ever cleans. It will fill a home to the brim with old issues of Good Housekeeping, and then just abandon it. It’s like the reverse of a house flipper. It’s a house ruiner.

Despite appearances of symmetry and its excellent dancing, all eight of the tarantula’s legs are left legs.[1] This means it has a terrible time using ladles.

Number of legs

Eight (left).

Number of lungs

Four (three right, one left).

Horrifying Wikipedia quote

“Male tarantulas have special spinnerets surrounding the genital opening. Silk for the sperm web of the tarantula is exuded from these special spinnerets.”

tarantula

“Hello, ladies.”

Age

According to Guinness World Records, the oldest tarantula ever lived to be 49 years old. If the idea of a spider that is older than millions of adult humans doesn’t strike you as terrifying, then I don’t know what to tell you. Except maybe, “Hey, you aren’t acquainted with fear the way I imagine a normal person should be.” But that’s a weird thing to tell somebody.

What if it fought a bear?

The tarantula can destroy the bear with anything but an electric slide, which creates the least powerful venom. Just real shoddy stuff.

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

An aged, bird-eating, hair-covered spider of great size, weaving “sperm webs.” That should send a chill down your spine. Seriously. Check your spine, dude. It might be defective.

Anyway, the tarantula is the best dancer I’ve reviewed yet. Just don’t move in next door; your property value will drop.

 

8/10

 

 

 

[1]That “two left feet” thing is just a saying and shouldn’t be taken literally.

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Scorpion

Scorpion

Guys, the scorpion is insane. Just look at this thing:

scorpion

Seriously, guys.

You may wonder from where such a creature could come. The answer is, of course, metal. An enterprising van artist and metal fan (named Randall) grew tired of his work being expressed mostly in the form of Ford Econolines. He hungered to create something that truly lived. And so the artist turned to mad science. The result was a hybrid of tarantula, lobster, and a wicked sweet venom-barbed tail. The original sketch also called for ram’s horns, bat wings, and an improbably large sword, but those proved unfeasible.

Special powers

Like the coolest BattleBots, the scorpion is brimming with weapons. There’s the claws up front, the venom-barbed tail in the back, and its launchable spear – which the scorpion loves to use in conjunction with its catchphrase “Get over here!”

Weaknesses

Viewing the scorpion’s stock portfolio is like visiting a gallery of bad decisions. Enron, Pets.com, the banks, AlpacaCorp… The scorpion got burned by them all.

Number of legs

Eight.

Characteristics

The scorpion is known for its intensity, determination, magnetism, and reliance on pseudoscience.

Fluorescence

When exposed to ultraviolet light, such as from a blacklight, the scorpion’s true face can be seen – that of a decaying Randall!

What if it fought a bear?

The scorpion can execute combos the bear never could.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The scorpion is cool, but it’s trying a little too hard to be cool, you know? Plus it’s technically just a palette-swap of Sub-Zero. But hey, he’s cool too.

 

8/10

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