Category Archives: aliens

Cow

Cow

You know how aliens are always abducting the cow? Did that ever make sense to you?

The cow returned to its homeworld.

Doesn’t seem right.

If not, there’s a good reason for that. The reason is aliens don’t abduct cows. Cows are aliens.[1] What we think to be abductions are just the cow returning to its homeworld. What we think to be UFOs are really IFSPBBs (Identified Flying Spaceships Piloted By Bovines). I mean, the cow is considered holy in India and a number of other places. What seems more likely – that the cow proved worthy of divinity on its own cud-chewing merits or that it appeared to descend from the heavens? Exactly.

Special powers

Besides descending from the heavens and traveling the far reaches of space, the cow has more literally down-to-earth powers. For example, tasting absolutely delicious.

steak

Meat Every Animal

It’s not just its seared flesh that’s so tasty, however! The cow can also provide sustenance without even dying first, by way of milk. This liquid is so precious – pure or made into various dairy products – that countless cow wars continue to be fought in our world’s most milk-rich regions. Ask your grocer about conflict-free mozzarella.

It can sleep standing up (see Weaknesses). The males have horns. Sometimes, they’re long horns. We call such creatures “shortfaces.”[2]

Weaknesses

A bit of a hipster, the cow stands around in the middle of flat fields in cold wind, sleeps standing up, and re-chews food it liked better the first time – all “ironically.”

Furthermore, the cow is a very poor conversationalist. It mostly just stares blankly at you.

There’s also a recurring problem of the cow going utterly insane. It’s not uncommon for a mortal considered to be sacred to go mad with power. It’s just like the old saying: Power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely; girl power corrupts girlishly; you can’t go over water unless you’ve got power.

Number of legs

Four

Place of origin

If the cow does not come from Earth, then where does it come from? The answer is not as easy as it might initially seem, because it turns out space is really really big. I don’t know if you knew that, but it was a real shock to me in my research. There are literally hundreds of planets out there and at least as many stars. Each world is named after a Roman god, like Saturn, Mercury, Audi, Volvo, or Studebaker. Not Pluto, though. Neil deGrassi Tyson, Canadian teen scientist, blew the lid off that whole hoax. Pluto never existed.

Pluto is lies.

A fabrication.

Anyway, the cow is from a planet that does exist: Buick. Little is known about its homeworld, and good luck getting the cow to say anything about it (see Weaknesses).

What if it fought a bear?

The cow, with the assistance of Mrs. O’Leary, started the Chicago Fire. The bear can’t do a dang thing about a fire without my help.

Is it noble?

It is unknowable.

Final rating

Tasty in the end, but a bit of a bore leading up to that. Even its whole “mad god” routine isn’t as entertaining as it could be.

 

4.5/10

 

 

 

[1]Today’s post adapted from a doodle by M. Night Shyamalan.

[2]Their faces aren’t even that short, but in terms of proportions, you know?

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Harvestman

Harvestman

Though more commonly known as the daddy longlegs, this animal is truly the harvestman.

harvestman

Harvestman, harvestman, harvests whatever a spider can.

One thing it is truly not is a spider, though it is related enough to see spiders at Christmas and Thanksgiving. So what is it then? The answer, of course, is an invader from outer space.[1] No one knows why it came to our world, but we know what it has done in the time it’s been here. It conquered and enslaved creatures smaller than it. The harvestman placed blocks in their brains to limit their intelligence – hence why bugs are so, so dumb. Still, the harvestman’s victory has had little effect of the day-to-day of those of us unshrunk by Honey’s husband.

tripod

From the viewpoint of the harvestman’s victim.

Special powers

The harvestman does strong impressions of punctuation marks. It once convinced Merriam Webster herself that it was the exclamation point.

See footnotes. Eight footnotes!

The harvestman as the asterisk.

It is also owner of the most powerful venom in the world. It got it on eBay.

Weaknesses

However, the harvestman only has the one vial of said venom, and it has such sentimental value for it that it would never part with it.

Furthermore, it can’t sew a lick. It tried to make a pair of boxers once and the result was downright tragic. Of course, part of that might have been that it had to put eight leg holes in the thing.

Number of legs

Eight.

Known aliases

As I mentioned before, the harvestman is frequently called the daddy longlegs. It also goes by grandaddy longlegs, grampa tallstiltsgreat uncle octopod and pop-pop extendofeet. These nicknames make no sense and are frankly kind of dumb. Though I do appreciate the distraction they provide from the harvestman’s creepy actual name.

Online presence

The harvestman has not put forward much of itself onto the web, but it is a regular user of its resources. Every single audio file it owns contains “DatPiff Exclusive” in the title.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear is a lot bigger than the harvestman’s usual targets. This fight is over before you can say “squish.”

Is it noble?

It is beyond our small human conceptions of nobility.

Final rating

Many mysteries remain. What will the harvestman harvest? Is this harvest the ultimate goal of its invasion? Should those of us larger than an inch be concerned?

Probably not.

 

5/10

 

 

 

[1]Like some sort of… space inv[ED. NOTE: COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT. CEASE & DESIST]

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Bumblebee

Bumblebee

The animal I’ll be rating today is the first of its class to be featured here on this blog. The animal is the bumblebee, and the class is – of course – Autobots.

Like its kin, the bumblebee hails from Cybertron, but is one of a number who have made their home on Earth. Over the years, the bumblebee has been integrated into its environment. It has even formed symbiotic relationships with flowers, serving as a pollinator in exchange for precious Energon reserves stored in the anther. The bumblebee is a particularly valuable pollinator in this day and age, as it practices buzz pollination – using word of mouth and social media in order to facilitate plant reproduction.

bumblebee on flower

beeHarmony.com

Special powers

Unlike the honeybee, the bumblebee has the incredible ability to temporarily annoy someone else without tearing its own innards out.

Weaknesses

The deep irony of the bumblebee’s kamikaze-free stinger is that it would really like to commit suicide, but can’t figure out how.

Number of legs

Six.

Rumors of flight

It is a common misconception that the bumblebee can fly. It’s hard to pin down the exact origin of this notion, but it’s only been increased by the many, many sightings of it flying, its tendency to move between locations which seem traversable only by flight, its possession of wings, etcetera. Physics tells us, however, that this is patently false. Our eyes and recording devices are not to be trusted on this matter.

Aliases

The bumblebee used to also go by the humblebee, to highlight its vast reserves of humility. The name fell into disuse when the irony of this braggy nickname became clear. The fact that it took so long reflects poorly on the bumblebee’s intelligence. But it acknowledges its failings there, given that it’s so humble.

bumblebee

Pictured: The bumblebee thinking about how little it thinks about itself.

A note on senses

The bumblebee does not have ears, so it can’t hear what you’re saying about it.

What if it fought a bear?

The bumblebee, using its special power, would manage to not commit suicide.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The bumblebee fights for humanity and our allies the flowers, so I hate to call it out for its flaws. But it really freaks me out not knowing how they get around.

 
7/10

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Mantis shrimp

Mantis shrimp

Welcome to the second post of Shrimp Week here at Rate Every Animal. Shockingly, today’s subject (the mantis shrimp) is not a shrimp at all. Nor is it even a mantis.

Q: But… But what is it then?

A: Great question.

Q: You’re too kind. I do what I can.

A: I just recognize excellence when I see it. But more to the topic at hand, the mantis shrimp can be best categorized as an alien.

Mantis shrimp

“This planet will suit my purposes.”

We do not know what planet spawned it, nor why the mantis shrimp came to our oceans.

Q: What do we know?

A: Dang it you, get out of here. We know is that it has been here for years; it is a formidable foe; and it has been building.

Special powers

The mantis shrimp is the proud owner of the world’s fastest punch. It can throw its claws at such speeds that its targets literally explode. The only terrestrial beast to achieve this technique is the pistol shrimp, and even it is only a brown belt compared to the mantis shrimp’s complete mastery.*

Weaknesses

It is also the proud owner of the world’s most extensive New Kids on the Block collection. This of course includes their entire discography on all available formats, but it also extends to posters, backpacks, mugs, themed humidors, faux license plates, commemorative pepper sprays and convincing Donnie Wahlberg masks. Oddly, and for its own reasons, the mantis shrimp does not recognize NKOTBSB.

Mantis shrimp as Donnie Wahlberg

The mantis shrimp wearing one of its prize possessions.

Number of legs

STILL UNKNOWN.

Inscrutability

Science has attempted for years to scrute the mantis shrimp’s intentions, but it cannot be scruted. The mantis shrimp’s alien mind is, like its number of legs, ultimately unknowable.

What is it building?

Sweet Christmas I hope it’s not something to destroy us.

What if it fought a bear?

Assuming the bear is not one of the Knight brothers,** the mantis shrimp would punch the bear so hard it blows up.

Is it noble?

It is beyond our small human conceptions of nobility.

Final rating

Please, mantis shrimp. Please have mercy on us.

Heaven help us, if you come at us, we will start offing New Kids on the Block.

 

8/10

 

 

*The mantis shrimp’s belt color is a secret higher level – the name of which only black belts can even know.

**For a list of other famous people who are bears, please see my future bear post.

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