It’s the sea slug of the land. It’s the naked snail. But what is it on its own terms?

It's slug!

It’s slug!

Well, yes, it’s slug.

Special powers

Anyone who witnesses the slug making love will become unable to eat or sleep for an extended period of time. The physical effects are temporary, but the psychological damage is forever.


As the slug grows up, it undergoes a rite of passage known as torsion, in which its gut-parts up and move to the other side of its innards, moving its anus to up above its head for no readily apparent reason. I blame the impossible anus-on-head standards in the slug magazines and TV shows.

Also, it gets dangerously dry if it neglects to moisturize or is exposed to its kryptonite, salt.

Number of legs


Drink of choice

The slug specifically loves Coke at McDonald’s, but risks its life to even enter given the mass quantities of salt found there. Also, people aren’t usually happy to see it at any eatery.

What if it fought a bear?

Advantage bear.

Is it noble?


Final rating

The slug’s weakness is embarrassingly common. Any chump within thirty feet of a kitchen can be its Lex Luthor. I’d be tempted to do just that, but I know that killing it won’t erase the memories of its sex tape from my mind. Nothing but my own death will – and that’ll take a lot more salt.





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One thought on “Slug

  1. […] context outside starvation or bet loss. To those people I say: would you similarly defend eating a slug? If you wouldn’t eat an animal naked, don’t eat it just because it’s wearing […]

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