For a dark, nearly two-month period this year, Jaden Smith did not tweet. People wondered: why? Where would he put his thoughts? The answer is he rented a small space on this blog. Unfortunately, due to publishing lead times, our lengthy vetting process, and weather patterns, only now – after his triumphant return to Twitter – are we revealing this collection of things Jaden would otherwise have tweeted in the time he was gone from our social media lives.

Of course, he did not rent the entirety of this web space. There is still animal-rating business to attend to – specifically, the rating of the manakin.

It has a fun new haircut, courtesy of the folks behind the Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney game series.

It has a fun new haircut, courtesy of the folks behind the Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney game series.

Special powers

There are numerous varieties of manakin, each with their own special power. Some can make a pronounced sound with their wings like a grasshopper rubbing its legs together or a violinist rubbing his/her legs on a violin. The helmeted manakin can do incredible skateboard stunts. The jet manakin is extremely fast. The fiery-capped manakin is immune to lava. The white-collared manakin has connections in the federal government. The tiny tyrant-manakin can levy taxes and execute prisoners.

All can fly.


Like a troll, the manakin can be defeated by solving its riddle. Its current riddle is “Without looking it up, name the full title of the second Guy Ritchie Sherlock Holmes.” It is basically unstoppable.

Number of legs

Two, not counting the wings.

Jaden’s Wisdom Corner

  • Forrest Gump Has All The History I Need To Know

  • Moses Was Put In A Basket On The River. Do The Same With Your Fear.

  • Maybe What I Call Purple You See As Sour Cream

  • Due To The Empty Space Between Electrons. We Are Nothing Just As Much As We Are Something. I Will Be Doing A DJ Set In Miami Tonight.

  • The Realest Adventures Of Jonny Quest Were In QuestWorld.

  • If It’s A Touch Down Why Does The Score Go Up

  • “You Look Nice Today,” Mateo Said. “Sight Is A Lie We Tell Ourselves In Real Time,” I Replied.

  • All The History I Need To Know Is In A Nightmare On Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors

  • Never Let Anyone Tell You You’re Not Tall Enough To Ride. Your Mind Isn’t Short.

  • The World Would Be Better If Instead Of Making Dogs Mayors We Made Mayors Dogs

  • In This Universe We Process Time Linearly Forward. But Outside Of Our Space-Time, From What Would Be A Fourth-Dimensional Perspective, Time Wouldn’t Exist. And From That Vantage, Could We Attain It? We See Our Space-Time Would Look Flattened. Like A Single Sculpture Of Matter And Super-Position Of Every Place It Ever Occupied. Our Sentience Is Just Cycling Through Our Lives Like Carts On A Track. Everything Outside Our Dimension: That’s Eternity. Eternity Looking Down On Us. To Us, It’s A Sphere, But To Them It’s A Circle.

  • Mateo Says Somebody Already Said The Stuff I Talked About In My Last Message

  • After Earth Is The Greatest Movie I’ve Ever Seen

  • If We Just Stop Teaching Shapes In School, No One Could Build Another Prison

  • The Moon Is Impossible

What if it fought a bear?

The bear skipped both RDJ Sherlock Holmes movies because it “doesn’t like foreign films.” It is doomed.

Is it noble?


Even the tiny tyrant-manakin?

No. Not that one.

Final rating

There’s a little something for everyone with the manakin. And it looks dynamite, manga hair or no.

It just realized it left the oven on.

It just realized it left the oven on.





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