When a horse refuses to grow up, it becomes a pony. There are many reasons this could happen, including societal pressures, the influence of Peter Pan, or a trainer pressing B during the evolution animation.

Whatever the case, the pony has its own vibe, and is worth discussing on its own merits and failings. For example, the horse has extremely poor instincts when it comes to clothing choices.

a horse in space clothing

“I think I look fine,” it said like an idiot.

By contrast, the pony is a real fashion plate.

Shetland ponies in sweaters

They look good and you know it.

As a special treat for our readers, I now turn it over to the pony for some timely fashion tips:

“Thank you, human Nathan.

Readers, it is almost winter. All fall, the trend has been earth tones and wind tones. The new colors of the season are green and ultraviolet. Be sure to also wear patterns for the winter: polka dots will let heat escape. Trap it in with the interlocking squares of a plaid. That’s not just fashion; that’s science. Trust me. I’m the pony.”

Special powers

Pound for pound, the Shetland pony is stronger than any horse, or as it puts it, “PONY STRONGEST THERE IS! PONY SMASH!”

It no longer ages.


The pony is constantly beset by its rival in the fashion world, the Japanese macaque. Try as the pony might, it cannot escape that monkey.

remember the internet monkey?

It looks good and you know it.

Its eternal youth means it is eternally kind of snotty.

Number of legs


Online presence

The pony has exactly one Yelp review, of a music venue. It reads, in its entirety, “It was just a bunch of human men with instruments, not a train at all. I give this concert zero stars.”

Celebrity birthdays

The pony shares a birthday with…

  • Tom Hanks, who loves to play Tom Hands, a game of his own design

  • ALF, which is not really his name, but an acronym short for Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms

  • Benedict Arnold, a blacksmith who had to explain no, he’s not that one so many, many times.

Shots fired at the Wikipedia page for Shetland pony

“American Shetland Ponies are more refined than the traditional Shetland.”

You know where you are right now, traditional Shetland? You’re on blast, and some American Shetland-loving Wiki user just put you there.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear has no chance against the pony’s strength and low center of gravity.

Is it noble?


Final rating

No matter what year it is, the forever-young pony hasn’t heard of the good music thing you like from several years ago. This, as we all know, is the worst sin anyone can commit. But dang if it doesn’t look good.

pony in human shoes

Accessorize sparingly, but boldly.





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