This animal, this silverfish, is the worst thing to ever be made of silver. Most of the time something is only made out of silver if it really seems worth making. That calculus never entered into the creation of the silverfish.
It’s not all bad, of course. Being made of metal, it is one of the most durable insects around. And it’s good with cross-stitch.
The silverfish is a commitment-phobe and social coward. Science has studied its methods for avoiding obligations of friendships and ending relationships entirely, and discovered another fifty ways to leave one’s lover, in addition to the first set enumerated by Dr. Paul Simon. Some of these new entries include:
1. Text her, Dexter
2. Start a G-chat, Matt
3. Hit unfollow, Waldo
4. Call a conference, Hortense
5. Make up a story, Corey
6. Pretend you’re sick, Nick
7. Take the fire escape, Snape
8. Resort to defenestration, Nathan
9. Use a decoy, Troy
10. Fake your own death, Beth
11. Tie hundreds of balloons to your pants, Lance
12. Hide in the trash, Ash
13. Become a hobo, Joe
14. Be a huge jerk, Dirk
15. Walk into the sea, Lee
16. Snap into a slim, Jim
17. Fall in a latrine, Gene
18. Say you lost a bet, Rhett
19. Replace yourself with a robot, Scott
20. Walk like you got crab knees, Dabney
21. Ride a T. Rex, Lex
22. Take the form of a bat, Pat
23. Buy a full-page color ad, Brad
24. Tell her in rhyme, Jeff
25. Hold court, Voldemort
26. Go screw, Andrew
27. Jump up your own butt, Helmut
Besides being a bad friend and worse romantic partner, the silverfish is shiftless and physically feeble.
Number of legs
Favorite video game
E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial.
The silverfish accesses the Internet solely through apps. It uploads Vines of its meals as they’re cooking (usually Ramen mid-boil), takes Instagrams of ceiling fans, and tweets vague statements of emotion with excessive ellipses.
What if it fought a bear?
It would run away, Faye.
Is it noble?
Even the worst fish (that deceitful, mate-absorbing ol’ racist the anglerfish) is better than the silverfish.
Until I come across a worse fish. It’s like Taken said in The Phantom Menace, “There’s always a worse fish.”
Programming note: This blog will take off one to two weeks, but will return with our big 150th review spectacular. Stay tuned!