Silverfish

Silverfish

This animal, this silverfish, is the worst thing to ever be made of silver. Most of the time something is only made out of silver if it really seems worth making. That calculus never entered into the creation of the silverfish.

Special powers

It’s not all bad, of course. Being made of metal, it is one of the most durable insects around. And it’s good with cross-stitch.

Weaknesses

The silverfish is a commitment-phobe and social coward. Science has studied its methods for avoiding obligations of friendships and ending relationships entirely, and discovered another fifty ways to leave one’s lover, in addition to the first set enumerated by Dr. Paul Simon. Some of these new entries include:

1. Text her, Dexter

2. Start a G-chat, Matt

3. Hit unfollow, Waldo

4. Call a conference, Hortense

5. Make up a story, Corey

6. Pretend you’re sick, Nick

7. Take the fire escape, Snape

8. Resort to defenestration, Nathan

9. Use a decoy, Troy

10. Fake your own death, Beth

11. Tie hundreds of balloons to your pants, Lance

12. Hide in the trash, Ash

13. Become a hobo, Joe

14. Be a huge jerk, Dirk

15. Walk into the sea, Lee

16. Snap into a slim, Jim

17. Fall in a latrine, Gene

18. Say you lost a bet, Rhett

19. Replace yourself with a robot, Scott

20. Walk like you got crab knees, Dabney

21. Ride a T. Rex, Lex

22. Take the form of a bat, Pat

23. Buy a full-page color ad, Brad

24. Tell her in rhyme, Jeff

25. Hold court, Voldemort

26. Go screw, Andrew

27. Jump up your own butt, Helmut

Besides being a bad friend and worse romantic partner, the silverfish is shiftless and physically feeble.

Number of legs

Six.

Favorite video game

E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial.

Online presence

The silverfish accesses the Internet solely through apps. It uploads Vines of its meals as they’re cooking (usually Ramen mid-boil), takes Instagrams of ceiling fans, and tweets vague statements of emotion with excessive ellipses.

silverfish

“So I guess it’s like that today huh…………. I don’t need this anyway………..”

What if it fought a bear?

It would run away, Faye.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Even the worst fish (that deceitful, mate-absorbing ol’ racist the anglerfish[1]) is better than the silverfish.

 

1/10

 
 

[1]Until I come across a worse fish. It’s like Taken said in The Phantom Menace, “There’s always a worse fish.”

 
 

Programming note: This blog will take off one to two weeks, but will return with our big 150th review spectacular. Stay tuned!

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