We have learned in this blog, that if it looks like a dracula, walks like a dracula, and talks like a dracula, it’s probably a dracula.
But not all draculas are so unsubtle. Some hide their vampiric ways in the body of a teddy bear. Well, just one runs that particular scam, really, and its name is the wombat.
The wombat has a special advantage against potential slayers in that it lacks a neck, leaving little opportunity for beheadings.
Its incisors never stop growing. It is only through the wombat trying to sink its fangs into tough plants, rocks and personal belongings that they are ever worn down.
It is not great at figuring out what things have blood.
Also, wooden stakes, silver, sunlight, garlic, and Little Debbie brand snack cakes.
Number of legs
The wombat is something of a restless spirit. It has lived in Transylvania, Hanselvania, Castlevania, Anselvania Adams, Wrestlevania and Australia. After college, it backpacked around Maryland in a misguided attempt to be different from its peers.
The wombat was not born with this love of travel, though. For five solid months, the wombat remained confined not just to its birthplace, not just to its home, not just to a room or basement, but to its mother’s pouch. Millennials, am I right?
What if it fought a man in brown shorts?
The wombat has a fierce and undying hatred of men in brown shorts, and it will never quit. The wombat is the number one cause of death among UPS drivers.
What if it fought a bear?
What is a bear? A miserable pile of brown shorts.
Is it noble?
In general, I am pro-UPS driver, at least as far as not wanting them to die. The wombat is a wonderful combination of danger and cuddliness, but I can not endorse its bigotry and murders. For those, I must dock it half a point.