Around this time two years ago I was in the throes of basketball fever. Fortunately, I survived to rate another day (and several more after that).

Now it’s that time again – March, when a young athlete’s fancy turns to basketballsmanship. Many of the basketball teams engaging in basketball contests this month will be invoking animals as their patron saints. They will seek aid from the husky, the bull, the hawk, the piece of wheat, the Native American human being and many more.[1]

One animal that serves such a role to inspire a team and imbue them with its power? The gorlok.


You heard me.

Special powers

The gorlok is a strange creature. It boasts the paws of a speeding cheetah, the horns of a fierce buffalo, and the face of the Saint Bernard.[2]


I don’t think we can really count that last one as a plus. Or else I greatly misunderstood a compliment I was being paid.

Number of legs

Two, plus two arms.

Time and place of birth

The Gorlok was born in 1984 in St. Louis, Missouri. It appreciates the Spice Girls on a much deeper level than you.[3] It thinks it’s involved in regional food disputes that do not concern it.

What if it fought a bear?

That would be a cross-conference match-up and it’s not a rivalry, so we don’t have much of a record to look at to make a prediction. Too close to call.

Is it noble?


Final rating

The gorlok is a mash-up of some dope animals. Something is lost, though, when you take all these bits of good animals out of context, mix them up together, and slap an Archie Andrews style one-giant-letter sweater on it.







[1]Well, one or two of those aren’t like the others.

[2]What has science wrought?

[3]Or so it claims, but it also claimed that Jennifer Lawrence was, in its words, “literally me.”

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