Dwarf pipe snake

Dwarf pipe snake

The dwarf pipe snake is easy to understand. All you have to do is picture the Asian pipe snake, but pretend it doesn’t have a chin groove. You’re almost there, but also…

Actually, forget it. Who can think about the dwarf pipe snake at a time like this? We are in the middle of award season, and it is getting heated. I’m talking about the Globes, the Grammys, the Latin Grammys, the Prussian Grammys, the Venusian MegaGrammys, the PGAs, the DGAs, the SAGs, the J*A*Gs, the People’s Choice Awards, all leading up to the Oscars just a mere seven months from now. There’s a lot to analyze, so let’s take a look first at some animals who are top contenders this year.

Top contenders

As always, the blue whale is a heavy[1] favorite in all the music categories. It should win all manner of Grammys and get ever closer to its goal of filling its bathtub entirely with the things. And it has one big bathtub, friend.

Speaking of music, the drake has a strong possibility of winning Best Rap Song for “Started From The Bottom” about finding a choice piece of bread that sank to the lake floor.

male duck

“You’re a good hen and you know it.”

Everyone is looking to the porcupine to win Pointiest Quills, and not just because the voters are all petrified it will kill someone if it loses. That award genuinely seems tailor-made for it, honestly, especially the part where its name has already been etched into it by the sculptor at quill-point.

Achievement in Noses is the proboscis monkey‘s to lose.

And of course, the tree frog is expected to take home Wackest Living Creature for the ninety-sixth year running.

Dark horse picks

If you’re going to win your office awards pool, you can’t just pick the big names everyone expects to win. You need to select some lower profile animals who have a good shot at pulling off the upset.

Animals like the mule. It doesn’t have the pedigree of some other nominees, but don’t underestimate the appeal of youth and a good personal story. It just might surprise people and knock off an obvious favorite like the dark horse.

black horse

It’s hard to beat.

I freely admit this is a long shot, but if Tim Allen does rush in from nowhere to slam K.K. Barrett from the top rope and win Best Production Design, a category in which he is neither nominated nor eligible, I will win $956 million. I couldn’t afford not to place that bet.

Snubs and flubs

The various bodies that hand out awards this time of year aren’t infallible, I’m afraid. After all, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association was made up by a sixth-grader and has only continued to exist out of momentum. That’s just one example. The others have their own problems[2], and so have fallen into some serious flubs, not to mention snubs as well.

Foremost among these is totally ignoring the cat for its supporting performance in Inside Llewyn Davis. You know how people sometimes say New York City is like its own character? Well, the cat is a million times better in Inside Llewyn Davis than New York is in any movie, though maybe not Barkhad Abdi good. But still, it deserved a nomination.

what an odd couple

Shame on you, Oscar.

Consider next the ridiculous nomination of the bat for Achievement in Fruit-Eating Among Mammals. Don’t get me wrong; it’s not that I think the bat isn’t a world-class fruit-eater. I vote to induct it into the Hall of Fame every year I can. My issue is that as you can tell by its wings, the bat is clearly a bird. Duh-doy.

Speaking of categorization controversy, there has been much talk of the California condor being deemed ineligible in the meat-eating categories because, according to the academy, its meals are derivative of another animal’s kill.

What to watch for

Awards season isn’t all just a list of winners and losers nominees. Much of the excitement[citation needed] comes from the ceremonies themselves. Who will wow on the red carpet? Who will beach themselves on the red carpet and nearly asphyxiate to death? Will someone make a hilarious and timely joke about Kanye West upstaging Taylor Swift five years ago?

The chamois is sure to pull some kind of mysterious stunt to promote its next project.

The whole fashion industry is on the edge of their seats to see the swan‘s wardrobe after last year’s “human” dress that got everyone talking (none of it complimentary). But hey, she felt like a princess, albeit a creepy Thomas Harris nightmare princess. It will be a hard act to follow at any rate.

Keep an eye on the presenters this year. If you look closely, you may find that a full 58% of them forget to read the teleprompter out loud and instead just mouth the words along with it. Thanks to tape delay, these presenters can immediately dub themselves before the East Coast feed even notices.

Final rating

The dwarf pipe snake is boring.

 

2/10

 

 

 

 

 

[1]Both figuratively and literally.

[2]Word is, J.D. Power killed and ate two Associates this year.

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