Emperor tamarin

Emperor tamarin

Winner of the Animal Kingdom Mustache Championship four years running, the emperor tamarin is a prominent and influential figure in the animal world.[1]

emperor tamarin

It’s well-earned.

In addition to performing its duties as mustache champion, the emperor tamarin is emperor of all monkeys.

Special powers

The emperor tamarin rules over all monkeys. It is a great power. There are a lot of monkeys. And they’re good at stuff that other animals aren’t, like picking stuff up without putting them in their dang mouths.

Its mustache is immune to poison.


The emperor tamarin’s dictatorship has not been without controversy. Recently declassified documents revealed that the CIA tried several times in the ’60s to depose the emperor tamarin – unsuccessfully each time. There was the attempt to slip poison into its mustache wax. There was the arming of the insurrectionist Proboscis monkey to aid in its failed coup. There was the car bomb foiled by the realization that the emperor tamarin can’t drive.

In later years, the United Nations even went so far as to request to resolve to officially condemn in writing the actions of the emperor tamarin.

Number of legs


Favorite video game

NFL Street.


According to the Jackson Zoo, the emperor tamarin “displays a need for tenderness, as in captivity they love to be stroked by hand and will actually lay on their backs in hopes of extra petting attention.” Which, like, you and me both, man.

emperor tamarin and family

You and me both.

What if it fought a bear?

The emperor tamarin fights bears all the time to prove its strength. However, those bears are actually its own guard monkeys wearing bear suits and throwing the fights. A real bear would likely prove more of a challenge.

Is it noble?


Final rating

According to monkey propaganda, the emperor tamarin invented napkins and the Arnold Palmer.[2] They say it was born under a “super eclipse,” an astronomical phenomenon which involves the sun and moon occupying the same place in space and which has seemingly no basis in actual astronomy. Its mustache is said to deflect bullets. So far, only the last of these claims has been proven to be true.







[1]Plants don’t give a single crap.

[2]Both the drink and the golfer.

Tagged , , , ,