Magellanic penguin

Magellanic penguin

The media likes to portray penguins in a very skewed way that perpetuates the classic stereotypes. But there is a much greater diversity among penguins than you’d be led to believe watching the all-Emperor penguin casts of March of the Penguins or F*R*I*E*N*D*S. Take for example the Magellanic penguin.

He's coming right at us

Here comes a special boy.

Unlike your average penguin, the Magellanic penguin likes to burrow into the ground for shelter, making it the moleman of the penguin world. I bet that doesn’t fit in the narrow little box you put all penguins in. Heck, the Magellanic penguin doesn’t even live in Antarctica.[1]

Special powers

The Magellanic penguin can dig burrows. It can swim. It’s great at going down.

Weaknesses

It’s just not very good at going up, given its unbirdlike lack of flight.

Also, it does a lot of unnecessary online shopping it probably shouldn’t.

Number of legs

Two.

Mating behavior

According to Wikipedia, “Magellanic Penguins mate with the same partner year after year. The male reclaims his burrow from the previous year and waits to reconnect with his female partner. The females are able to recognize their mates through their call alone.” Magellanic penguins were the number one market for ringback tones in 2012.[2]

Notable accomplishments

When it’s not hiding out in its burrow, spending time with its soulmate, or catching tasty fish, the Magellanic penguin does some telecommuting work as a script doctor. Hollywood producers once turned to it to punch up the dialogue in scenes involving a prominent Batman villain – Mr. Freeze.

sneaky sneaky sneak

Look at this guy, trying to be taller. Just wear pumps like the rest of us, bub.

Here are some examples of classic lines we all know and love from Batman & Robin that were written by the Magellanic penguin:

  • MR. FREEZE: There’s no business like snow business!
  • MR. FREEZE: Sweet dreams are made of freeze!
  • MR. FREEZE: What killed the dinosaurs? Scientists have several theories.
  • BATGIRL: Those targeting mirrors are frozen; the thawing beam won’t work.
  • MR. FREEZE: I hate the Heat Miser; he is awful. He can not treat the Snow Miser like this. I hate him with my life.
  • BRUCE WAYNE: That’s right, Dick. I want them so much I can taste it.
  • BATMAN: Autobots, roll out!
  • GOSSIP GERTY: Some men aren’t looking for anything logical, like money. They can’t be bought, bullied, reasoned, or argued with. Some men just want to watch the world freeze.
  • MR. FREEZE: Looks like I’ve struck… cold!
  • BATMAN: The difference between you and me is I’m wearin’ hockey skates!
  • MR. FREEZE: Frostbitten, ice shy!

What if it fought a bear?

Quite surprisingly, the Magellanic penguin would win handily. I can’t explain it.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

I like the Magellanic penguin. It defies the usual expectations for penguins, who already defy the usual expectations for birds. Plus, he provided some crucial edits of great scripts (and a couple stinkers, but hey, they can’t all be Batman & Robin).

 

8.5/10

 

 

 

[1]It lives in the Falkland Islands and the southest coasts of South America. It once took a cruise to Trinidad and Tobago. It liked Trinidad but had such a bad time in Tobago it swore off travel forever. It was also upset there were no burrows available to stay in on the cruise ship.

[2]Remember that hot minute in the mid-’00s when rappers got real concerned about ringtones? That seems weird in retrospect. Unrelated to the Magellanic penguin. Probably. You decide.

Tagged , , , , , ,